H
hellodarkness
Member
- Dec 8, 2020
- 92
Last night my hallucinations were next level. A man was walking around our bedroom scratching the walls and whispering, "They know!" And he's not the voice I'm used to who is constantly telling me to drink bleach so that threw me more.
I didn't want to freak out my husband or my youngest daughter so I went to the couch and hit Klonopin like it owed me money. Passed out. In the morning our big ass dogs both had to lie on top of me for several hours because I swear to God they think they are my insanity support animals.
I still wasn't right, but I went to Walmart with the kids to get them stuff to have a sleepover. I hate that I am crazy, but I refuse to have them not have a childhood because I'm sick. I figured I could do it. As soon as we got about 100m in the store I heard a woman screaming. I'm looking around and I can't see anyone screaming, and then I realize no one else is fazed. Because no one else hears her. Because she doesn't exist and I'm the only one hearing it.
Got home and had to bleach the kitchen for three hours because engaging in my OCD compulsions helps calm me down. I know trying to mitigate my schizophrenia with my fucking OCD is wild and makes no sense but survival mode.
This was one of the worst days I've had since I've been medicated. These are the days where I feel like I'm obligated to CTB to protect my kids from what I am...
I didn't want to freak out my husband or my youngest daughter so I went to the couch and hit Klonopin like it owed me money. Passed out. In the morning our big ass dogs both had to lie on top of me for several hours because I swear to God they think they are my insanity support animals.
I still wasn't right, but I went to Walmart with the kids to get them stuff to have a sleepover. I hate that I am crazy, but I refuse to have them not have a childhood because I'm sick. I figured I could do it. As soon as we got about 100m in the store I heard a woman screaming. I'm looking around and I can't see anyone screaming, and then I realize no one else is fazed. Because no one else hears her. Because she doesn't exist and I'm the only one hearing it.
Got home and had to bleach the kitchen for three hours because engaging in my OCD compulsions helps calm me down. I know trying to mitigate my schizophrenia with my fucking OCD is wild and makes no sense but survival mode.
This was one of the worst days I've had since I've been medicated. These are the days where I feel like I'm obligated to CTB to protect my kids from what I am...