Venting so fucking sick

[serah]

I've been taking antidepressants for a couple of months now. Been going to therapy occasionally. I tried for a while to do things "right". To try my best to get better, but it's so fucking hard to talk about my issues when the problem feels like its simply me. I hate the way my mind works. I'm overly sensitive, I get really stupid anger outbursts when someone does the tiniest thing to upset me. I can go from feeling perfecly fine to suddenly suicidal. My mind is convinced I'm the worst fucking person ever. I hate myself so much. I hate my mother. I hate my friends, but at the same time I go from hating them to being fine with them. Ultimately I'm the problem. Coping skills feel stupid, I can't fix my mind. The voice in my head that convinces me everyone I know will leave me for someone better, is so fucking loud. The idea of suicide is always on my mind, it feels like that's what all of this will end with. I have some goals and aspirations, but it feels like they'll only be accomplished if I was somebody else. They feel like goals for another "life". Someone with more motivation, and more desire to live. I don't really know who I am, I feel as though I only live through the lens of other people. I simply play a role. I tell myself if only I was thinner or if I only I didn't have social anxiety, perhaps my mind wouldn't have as many ways to convince me of my inferiority. I still think ultimately I was cursed to live this way. I don't know why I am the way that I am, and I've been telling my therapist everythings been fine and the meds have been working because it feels so stupid to even try to explain any of it. Why do I hate myself? Why do I feel like my friends are going to leave me? Why do I feel as though all of my interests are just to "mold" the version of myself others want me to be. I don't have actual answers for any of it, my mind has just convinced me of all fo it. They're my own thoughts I'm unable to control. I'm so fucking sick of all of this.

 

[Givenuponlife]

I can relate so much to this.

 

[SamTam33]

...The idea of suicide is always on my mind, it feels like that's what all of this will end with. I have some goals and aspirations, but it feels like they'll only be accomplished if I was somebody else. They feel like goals for another "life"...Why do I hate myself...

I feel this 100%. My goals and aspirations are just a fantasy meant to be carried out by the person I was supposed to be. Not the me I am now.

I think we hate ourselves because we had nothing to do with who we are.

People are always pushing self-love, but that's such an impractical request.

It's like being in an arranged marriage and being hounded to love and accept the partner as if we had picked them ourselves.

How are you supposed to love someone you don't even like?

I've never understood that.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I don't mean to be offensive at all but can I ask if you have a BPD diagnosis? I ask that as someone who was diagnosed with that.

You deserve to be experienced as you really are (even if that's unclear now) and not as how you think others want you to be.

 

[Wojaczek]

we all need amygdala implants

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I don't mean to be offensive at all but can I ask if you have a BPD diagnosis? I ask that as someone who was diagnosed with that.

You deserve to be experienced as you really are (even if that's unclear now) and not as how you think others want you to be.

i was gonna ask the same thing, i was diagnosed with BPD just awhile back and everything op has said clicks with me, but thats not something i even considered until, go figure, another person with BPD brought it to my attention that i could have it

 

[Zegers]

They feel like goals for another "life"

I can relate to this.

 

[TimetoGo!]

I've been taking antidepressants for a couple of months now. Been going to therapy occasionally. I tried for a while to do things "right". To try my best to get better, but it's so fucking hard to talk about my issues when the problem feels like its simply me. I hate the way my mind works. I'm overly sensitive, I get really stupid anger outbursts when someone does the tiniest thing to upset me. I can go from feeling perfecly fine to suddenly suicidal. My mind is convinced I'm the worst fucking person ever. I hate myself so much. I hate my mother. I hate my friends, but at the same time I go from hating them to being fine with them. Ultimately I'm the problem. Coping skills feel stupid, I can't fix my mind. The voice in my head that convinces me everyone I know will leave me for someone better, is so fucking loud. The idea of suicide is always on my mind, it feels like that's what all of this will end with. I have some goals and aspirations, but it feels like they'll only be accomplished if I was somebody else. They feel like goals for another "life". Someone with more motivation, and more desire to live. I don't really know who I am, I feel as though I only live through the lens of other people. I simply play a role. I tell myself if only I was thinner or if I only I didn't have social anxiety, perhaps my mind wouldn't have as many ways to convince me of my inferiority. I still think ultimately I was cursed to live this way. I don't know why I am the way that I am, and I've been telling my therapist everythings been fine and the meds have been working because it feels so stupid to even try to explain any of it. Why do I hate myself? Why do I feel like my friends are going to leave me? Why do I feel as though all of my interests are just to "mold" the version of myself others want me to be. I don't have actual answers for any of it, my mind has just convinced me of all fo it. They're my own thoughts I'm unable to control. I'm so fucking sick of all of this.

Everything you've said here I can relate with.

This is why SS is a big help because it shows none of us are alone with these thoughts

i was gonna ask the same thing, i was diagnosed with BPD just awhile back and everything op has said clicks with me, but thats not something i even considered until, go figure, another person with BPD brought it to my attention that i could have it

Yeh im starting to believe I have it now as tick every box

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing really can be torture as there is no real relief from ourselves and what we go through, it's so awful how all this endless suffering continues to exist in this world and be experienced. It does sound so tiring what you endure and it must be so hard to deal with being trapped in that situation and your feelings of wishing to leave are understandable. In my case simply just having to exist makes the thought of being gone from this world sound so incredibly appealing.

 

[serah]

I don't mean to be offensive at all but can I ask if you have a BPD diagnosis? I ask that as someone who was diagnosed with that.

You deserve to be experienced as you really are (even if that's unclear now) and not as how you think others want you to be.

I have been told by several people with BPD to get a diagnosis for it lol. I haven't spoken about any of this to my psychiatrist or therapist, I find it hard to even try to begin that process of opening up about everything. I think maybe I should try it out?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I have been told by several people with BPD to get a diagnosis for it lol. I haven't spoken about any of this to my psychiatrist or therapist, I find it hard to even try to begin that process of opening up about everything. I think maybe I should try it out?

Pretty much everything you described in your OP is a textbook symptom of BPD. And if you haven't been getting the appropriate kind of treatment, it makes sense why you haven't had much success, leading to your frustration and despondency. Therefore I think it's worth exploring.