Venting So far, so good (not) (Rant)

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

It's been two months since I left the hospital. I had been hospitalised earlier this year for a lupus flare which inflamed my kidneys.

I tried my best—eating healthy, taking medications as prescribed, meditating and praying. I tried to convince myself that the powers that be had a plan for me, and that there is a purpose for my suffering. Even though there were some mild symptoms, I haven't had any major flare-ups. So far, so good, I thought. That was, up until last week.

I couldn't have felt more out of character all this time. Having started with a relatively high dose of prednisolone, I certainly hope that my sudden positive personality change was not the result of mind-altering drugs like steroids. I remember what it was like before the onset of my illness. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without a care in the world. Now I'm told to avoid this and that. Cut back on salt. Raw, uncooked food is a no-no if you have a compromised immune system. (I couldn't think of a more appropriate use for the term 'incel'–people like us are more or less forced to live out our lives as ascetics.)

Slowly but surely, doubt crept in and my faith started to waver. Nothing, as far as my eyes can see, will deliver us from such overwhelming misery and seemingly meaningless suffering. The nagging voice in my head mocked me for submitting out of fear and pain. The recent deaths of some members, some of whom I was particularly fond of, is demotivating to say the least. Daily reports of mass civilian casualties and brutal atrocities carried out by Russian forces in Ukraine don't help either.

It's not as if my FAITH score wasn't already a negative number anyway—before I was hospitalised I considered myself a staunch misotheist and despised religion. I quarreled with my family. And thought that that'd make the job easier. I wasn't, and still am not, keen on living with a lifelong condition.

After a week of indigestion that didn't go away, I finally snapped. I hit myself, breaking my record of being two months harm-free. I'm not upset or mad at all, and I don't regret what I've done. I saw it coming a mile away. My mental health fell apart like the house of cards it's always been. I don't know if I even want to recover or not, when the former means that I must leave my comfort zone, and break out of those negative thought patterns once and for all.

 

[GentleJerk]

I was following your earlier lupus related hospital admission. That's awful, steroids are so hardcore with a lot of potential side effects that can really make life complicated... I stopped taking corticosteroids and replaced them with huge doses of curcumin (I'm talking ridiculously ginormous 4-5g+ doses) which seems to be doing the trick nicely, at least for now. They seriously need to get to work on finding better treatments for autoimmune diseases.

You're doing a lot to keep functioning and you should be really proud of yourself.

 

[Pluto]

I relate to this a lot, and I'm sure many others can. Trying to make a radical shift into an all-positive mindset can set ourselves up to crash quite spectacularly. Then our inner voice will beat us up and enjoy its newfound monopoly on the internal narrative.

I don't know what the answer is unfortunately. :( I find that the quest for meaning or for a more enlightened perspective is only bearable when there is a reasonable state of mind in the first place. Otherwise, it feels a lot like being the powerless, whining dog in the Learned Helplessness experiment.

 

[_Seeking]

I'm sorry for all that you are dealing with. I know how it is when we try so hard to take good care of ourselves, and yet our bodies betray us despite all the effort. It is very disheartening. Life is unfair and I don't have any answers, but I hope that things improve for you.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I was following your earlier lupus related hospital admission. That's awful, steroids are so hardcore with a lot of potential side effects that can really make life complicated... I stopped taking corticosteroids and replaced them with huge doses of curcumin (I'm talking ridiculously ginormous 4-5g+ doses) which seems to be doing the trick nicely, at least for now. They seriously need to get to work on finding better treatments for autoimmune diseases.

You're doing a lot to keep functioning and you should be really proud of yourself.

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions, @GentleSoul. I agree that there should be more research into alternative and complementary treatment options for long-term conditions like autoimmune disease, as medications used for conventional therapies can have harmful side effects. I've heard of the anti-inflammatory properties of turmeric and its derivatives, and have read reports of positive outcomes in patients supplemented with curcumin. I'll see how this goes. When my prednisolone is tapered to a low enough dose, I could try asking my nephrologist whether I could supplement my diet with curcumin.

Trying to make a radical shift into an all-positive mindset can set ourselves up to crash quite spectacularly. Then our inner voice will beat us up and enjoy its newfound monopoly on the internal narrative.

I thought of an analogy for this—a cute little experiment we did in primary school, where we were supposed to stroke iron and steel bars with a magnet to magnetise said bars. The point of the experiment was to demonstrate that steel retains its magnetism longer than iron. I would compare my attempt(s) at recovery to the iron bar that is easily demagnatised. Even though I've never used the mental health services here, I do think techniques like (positive) affirmation would not be effective in helping me break out of negative thought patterns.

I find that the quest for meaning or for a more enlightened perspective is only bearable when there is a reasonable state of mind in the first place.

I agree. I think that a stable mind is conducive to productive meditation. I read a saying by a Zen Master (couldn't remember the name) to practice even when you have 'half a heart', or 'no heart at all'. Well, I could try. I could force myself to sit down and meditate with a disturbed mind, but from experience I only became more clouded with negative thoughts.

I know how it is when we try so hard to take good care of ourselves, and yet our bodies betray us despite all the effort.

Agreed. We can only control what we can control. As much as I would like to be irreligious, I do admit that there are forces beyond our control, and life hits you when you least expect it.

 

[Pluto]

I thought of an analogy for this—a cute little experiment we did in primary school, where we were supposed to stroke iron and steel bars with a magnet to magnetise said bars. The point of the experiment was to demonstrate that steel retains its magnetism longer than iron. I would compare my attempt(s) at recovery to the iron bar that is easily demagnatised. Even though I've never used the mental health services here, I do think techniques like (positive) affirmation would not be effective in helping me break out of negative thought patterns.

I agree. I think that a stable mind is conducive to productive meditation. I read a saying by a Zen Master (couldn't remember the name) to practice even when you have 'half a heart', or 'no heart at all'. Well, I could try. I could force myself to sit down and meditate with a disturbed mind, but from experience I only became more clouded with negative thoughts.

That's a thoughtful analogy. It's almost like farming in a flood-prone region that will inevitably wash away any seeds soon after they are planted. It would be madness to repeat the same thing expecting different results.

The fact that the Buddha failed to achieve enlightenment during his extremely ascetic phase of starving himself has made me wonder. Perhaps such advanced pursuits are doomed if we are neglecting the basics as per Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. This may not apply for all seekers, but I've concluded that for me, a reasonably stable community, social life and other basics are prerequisites and there will be no long-term functioning at any level without them.

On a more hopeful note, there is a simple path to instant happiness, at least according to the internet. LINK

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

The fact that the Buddha failed to achieve enlightenment during his extremely ascetic phase of starving himself has made me wonder. Perhaps such advanced pursuits are doomed if we are neglecting the basics as per Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. This may not apply for all seekers, but I've concluded that for me, a reasonably stable community, social life and other basics are prerequisites and there will be no long-term functioning at any level without them.

My teacher taught about this during the Fundamental Dhamma Course I'm currently attending. It is as you mentioned—at one point the Buddha realised that self-deprivation is not the way to go in his quest for enlightenment. Buddhism teaches the Middle Way, to steer clear of both extreme asceticism and sensual indulgence.

The application Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is very relevant here. Only when one has sufficiently satisfied the previous needs, then do higher-level pursuits such as self-actualization become possible. I think the idiom 'sleep with one eye open' comes from being unable to relax when you don't feel safe. Safety and security is, after all, considered one of our basic survival needs. Most of our decisions revolve around either sustaining, or improving our circumstances. It is all too human to desire predictability in an unpredictable world.

Speaking of floods, I do hope you're staying safe. I didn't imagine things would turn out this bad.

I've been following this YouTube channel that satirises the Australian government, and their most recent video is about the floods. The dark humour and complete disregard for political correctness has never failed to put a smile on my face.

 

[Pluto]

Those videos are well done! Thankfully, it's not illegal to post content like that. I'm in Victoria and we've actually been having very good weather for once, though there was a bit more rain than normal during the floods up north.

The federal government is quite openly a fossil-fuel lobbyist operation, but the majority (not all) of the elder generation smugly supports them, knowing that they won't live to see the worst of the ecological crises. There's also a lot of 'toxic masculinity' in the culture that is quite similar in character to Trump phenomenon Stateside. We virtually have to wait until the Boomers all pass away before we can start attempting to heal nature.

My teacher taught about this during the Fundamental Dhamma Course I'm currently attending. It is as you mentioned—at one point the Buddha realised that self-deprivation is not the way to go in his quest for enlightenment. Buddhism teaches the Middle Way, to steer clear of both extreme asceticism and sensual indulgence.

Yes, it is wise to pursue balance. It seems like there's no universal answer, though. Some people have enlightenment experiences in the midst of worldly life, even during periods of deep despair. Others abandon all materialism yet make little progress. I can comment that of the success stories that I'm familiar with in South India, most involve people who were extremely devout, ascetic and single-minded.

For the rest of us, the lesson seems to be that attempts to 'spiritual bypass' are unlikely to succeed. There is generally a need to take reasonable care of the body/mind and its endless needs.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

@Pluto Glad to hear you're safe.

Even though we call ourselves a democracy, the powers that be don't take criticism well. Don't even try to do so unless you're prepared to be fined or thrown into jail. Should you so bruise the Prime Minister's ego, he might decide it's personal and you'll be on the receiving end of a lawsuit. It has happened before.

It is indeed difficult to get the older generations to see things from our perspective. To them, climate change and mass extinction are not immediate threats, after all. In my mother's generation, plastic was seen as a miracle invention—lighter, cheaper and stronger than the materials that preceded it. Who would know plastic would one day become a disaster, polluting the environment, even to the deepest and most remote parts of the planet. What's more, the circumstances they were born and raised in completely differ from those of our generation. I do think they'd be more inclined to root for politicians that share similar values and beliefs, gender perspectives included.

As for the Ukraine crisis, an overwhelming majority of the population here were in favour of the imposition of sanctions on Russia. However, there were those of the older generations who felt uneasy taking a 'pro-West' stance, and who were concerned if our 'tiny' nation were to incur the wrath of the Russian bear.

For the rest of us, the lesson seems to be that attempts to 'spiritual bypass' are unlikely to succeed. There is generally a need to take reasonable care of the body/mind and its endless needs.

I agree. We should not live life in the extremes. There is indeed no easy way out—cultivating oneself spiritually requires commitment and devotion, hard work and sacrifice.

 

[Pluto]

Indeed, the generational divide is a tragedy of circumstance at many levels.

The Boomers of the '60s were the progressive, anti-war heroes of their time who now rage at finding themselves the villains of modern environmental movements. The same way that plastic went from being a cure to pollution, today's technologies like EV Li-ion batteries could one day be the next scourge. Such is the nature of change.

The other issue with the so-called 'Generation Me' was that they did not have to live through the horrors of WWI, the Great Depression or WWII as did their predecessors. As awful as those events were, the survivors were communal, generous and caring - qualities that had helped them to survive.

By contrast, the Boomers started out bingeing on drugs, then entered the workforce to initiate the heartless corporatism the 1980s 'decade of greed', then demanded tax cuts in the '90s so that future generations could pay for their national debts, and finally are retiring in luxury as the ecology and economy crumble for their grandchildren.

Anyway, back on the more important topic at hand, it is unavoidable to have times of downfall in the midst of a healing process. Unfortunately, the process is not a linear ascension. This is a time for letting off steam or indulging in escapism... then when the time is right, work can resume. To that end, the following thread might be helpful.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...one-with-restless-body-oversensitivity.88156/