So depressed I can't function at a basic cognitive level

[ceilng_tile]

I'm on the verge of contract non-renewal at my job and even though I really tried to step up my game and show I could improve, the dismissive way I've been treated by everyone around me has just made me more depressed and now it feels like my brain isn't working. Every time I open my mouth I end up saying something really stupid, or like I'd forget some very obvious detail. This just makes people treat me even more like garbage.

The contract doesn't actually end until the end of June and I don't know if I can take 4+ more months of this. But if I ever want to find another job in this field (which is nonnegotiable -- if I can't stay in this field I will ctb), I don't want the reputation killer of having left my contract early. I already have too many red flags in my file as a result of late diagnosed autism and burnout and external life stressors that fucked up my performance.

I really don't know what to do in this situation. It's like I can't commit to getting better but also can't commit to just fucking ending it either.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be tiring what you are going through, I find it dreadful how other people can very easily make existing worse and just create more suffering. But anyway best wishes.

 

[heliophobic]

A quick question, out of genuine care and concern: Do you have a diagnosis of RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) or is your work environment really that hostile? Don't think that I'm being dismissive of your concerns. I have RSD and because of that, the slightest thing will leave me thinking that someone hates me or is mad at me when they aren't and would make me think that I was horrible at every job I had, that I was inches away from being reprimanded by my boss because I fucked up in some way. All RSD. If the situation is real, can you report it to your HR department, if you have one? No one should have to deal with a work environment like that, especially when they've done nothing to deserve it. I don't know if any of this helped, but I feel awful for the situation you're in and I hope you're able to sort things out at your job.

 

[ceilng_tile]

A quick question, out of genuine care and concern: Do you have a diagnosis of RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) or is your work environment really that hostile? Don't think that I'm being dismissive of your concerns. I have RSD and because of that, the slightest thing will leave me thinking that someone hates me or is mad at me when they aren't and would make me think that I was horrible at every job I had, that I was inches away from being reprimanded by my boss because I fucked up in some way. All RSD. If the situation is real, can you report it to your HR department, if you have one? No one should have to deal with a work environment like that, especially when they've done nothing to deserve it. I don't know if any of this helped, but I feel awful for the situation you're in and I hope you're able to sort things out at your job.

I definitely have RSD but also the treatment I've been receiving has been VERY obvious. (I am routinely bypassed for leadership roles and complex cases that are then given to people that I outrank.) I don't think HR will solve the issue. I have another autistic friend who was fired from the same institution despite VERY clear evidence that the accusations against her were false. HR didn't help her.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I have another autistic friend who was fired from the same institution despite VERY clear evidence that the accusations against her were false. HR didn't help her.

I was treated like shit at every workplace due to my autism. I never told anyone, I knew better but they always found something off about me. The higher-ups would treat me like cattle or try to get more productivity out of me or make me do really shit jobs. I remember having the clean mold from ceilings and I was the only one doing it. My best recommendation is don't trust corporate. Do not trust HR. HR is there to protect the company they will not protect you.

I wish I had something to offer to help you with your career, but, well I haven't had a whole lot of success myself. Just bad factory jobs and other entry-level stuff. I normally hate saying this because it would piss me off when people said it, but for now, you're gonna have to keep going and do your best. I've accepted long ago that people were gonna treat me shittily for being on the spectrum. Workplaces don't care that you are a human, they just want you to be the best quality, but cheapest tool they have. You've made it to this point, I'm sure you can keep going. I gave up last month and it almost made me homeless. If you decide on that route you're gonna need a plan.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Seems like RSD, autism, Asperger's, etc loosely fall under the same umbrella. I have ASD and find that emotional blunting medications, such as Pristiq (Devsevenlafaxine) has been somewhat of a help. Seeing as how the people around me can't be changed, finding a way to give less fucks has been my way of coping.

 

[qu13t5l33p]

Autism compounding with mental health problems and mistreatment from others is an unbelievably painful experience. It sounds like you feel truly trapped in this situation too, as you have to stay with this contract due to the field being something you love. It's a rough spot to be in to say the least. I hope you find what you're looking for in whatever way you move forward.

 

[heliophobic]

Seems like RSD, autism, Asperger's, etc loosely fall under the same umbrella. I have ASD and find that emotional blunting medications, such as Pristiq (Devsevenlafaxine) has been somewhat of a help. Seeing as how the people around me can't be changed, finding a way to give less fucks has been my way of coping.

Definitely this. No matter how many advances are made, no matter what century we're in, there will always be a stigma attached to any mental state that isn't "normal". Not just mental illness. There's still people that believe vaccines cause autism, so there's always way too many people with zero understanding of how anything to do with mental illness/autism/etc works but they're still okay with playing armchair psychiatrist when it suits them. All we can do is find a way to cope and give the world a metaphorical middle finger.