So confused

[pleasehelp]

Hello everyone,

this is my first time posting here. I have struggled with mental illness for the past 5 years. I am still, just about, a teenager.
I just feel so confused. I have a boyfriend that loves me dearly, parents that love me dearly, half decent family around me that love me, I have a really well paid job. I literally want for nothing yet I still feel like this day to day?
I have to constantly fight my mind to stop myself from hurting myself.
I'm constantly doing stupid things like over dosing, attempting to hang myself etc and I just know my boyfriend is going to leave me but I can't stop myself from doing it. But I panic and get this daunting feeling everytime I do that tells me to stop or go and get help ASAP.
I just don't understand in my head why I don't just do it or the feelings just go away, I don't want to feel like this. All my friends go out and have a nice time and enjoy their life not worrying about voices in their heads constantly.
I have just came here to express my feelings and to help find some clarity and I would love to hear how others feel also.
Sorry for the rant.
xx

 

[Alexerini]

I feel the same way. I feel like I have no actual reason to suicide because I have the freedom to do what I'd like in life. I kind of feel guilty for feeling the way that I do but honestly reality just doesn't interest me at all and I'd rather leave the drudgery of existence.

 

[faust]

Don't worry, there is nothing wrong in telling about your problem here. If I knew about this forum before, I would not say so many disappointing things to my friends and ex. Now I understand that I should have chosen a better place and more appropriate people to talk about my troubles. There is a certain point when people probably will start accusing you of hearing things they do not want to hear. Just my recommendation, if you need to talk, better do it here, if you need to vent, do that here as well. All the things which we tell people who are close to us may add misunderstandings and conflicts between you and people who you love. Well, if you need to rant and do not want to do it here, you can always use a sheet of paper method, or free-writing, - just write whatever comes to your mind. Sending you hugs!

 

[Cosmiq]

So far, I think this is a fine place to rant. A place to be able to speak without fear of being shamed, because on paper you should be happy. Nor do you have to think about making those closest to you worry when trying to be honest and figure things out.
Even places that are supposed to help you understand these things still don't have it figured out.
When I was younger I struggled with the impulsive reckless actions, more than whatever was happening in my head. Find the right place whether it's here or a journal kept on your phone helps process and sort through these thoughts. For me talking, writing, and venting about these help me get a clearer picture I guess.
I could see a little more what was behind it all. Like maybe my recklessness started as a teen, but for as long as I can remember I've had this feeling of wanting to escape but couldn't figure out from where or from what exactly. I'm still new here, but reading other peoples questions and such even spark new paths for me to explore about myself.

 

[autumnal]

Hello everyone,

this is my first time posting here. I have struggled with mental illness for the past 5 years. I am still, just about, a teenager.
I just feel so confused. I have a boyfriend that loves me dearly, parents that love me dearly, half decent family around me that love me, I have a really well paid job. I literally want for nothing yet I still feel like this day to day?
I have to constantly fight my mind to stop myself from hurting myself.
I'm constantly doing stupid things like over dosing, attempting to hang myself etc and I just know my boyfriend is going to leave me but I can't stop myself from doing it. But I panic and get this daunting feeling everytime I do that tells me to stop or go and get help ASAP.
I just don't understand in my head why I don't just do it or the feelings just go away, I don't want to feel like this. All my friends go out and have a nice time and enjoy their life not worrying about voices in their heads constantly.
I have just came here to express my feelings and to help find some clarity and I would love to hear how others feel also.
Sorry for the rant.
xx

You mention struggling with mental illness. Have you seen a professional and/or been diagnosed with anything?

 

[pleasehelp]

You mention struggling with mental illness. Have you seen a professional and/or been diagnosed with anything?

I have been seeing professionals from being young, I have been diagnosed with depression and they was looking into others potentially but I stopped going

 

[autumnal]

I have been seeing professionals from being young, I have been diagnosed with depression and they was looking into others potentially but I stopped going

From your description, it sounds like you could really benefit to returning to some kind of treatment.