MBiopic
Dreamer
- Apr 10, 2023
- 12
Hey there, ladies and gents. Just think I need to vent to someone, and hear what you guys think.
I've been feeling extremely disconnected and confused lately, especially about how I feel. I understand that my BPD is affecting this greatly, but I have also been feeling more suicidal lately.
Out of the two methods that I liked the most (SN and Night-Night), I decided to choose SN. However, there are a few things that keep me from moving forward with the plan:
1. I have my parents, my brother and my dog. I think I will miss them very much, also I wouldn't like for them to be sad over my death.
2. Even though I try to believe in an afterlife, not a religious one, but more like a perfect one (e.g. imagine anything and make it become a reality, basically your own personal heaven), I have also been a person of science my whole life. No matter how hard I try, there will always be this little voice telling me that there might be nothing, which is pretty likely. But honestly, I don't want it to be nothing.
3. I am afraid of the process itself. What if it goes wrong? What if I get brain damage? What if it will be painful? Suicide, naturally, is a risk. It's an attempt on your life, so, obviously, some damage is inevitable. Still. Hard to get over.
And lastly, do I even really want to die? I want not to feel all this pain that I'm feeling right now, but I also feel like I don't want to cure any of my mental health conditions. I do not want to go back to normal, I don't want to integrate into the society that I despise with all my heart. Maybe I'll never be normal, and I'm okay with that. But what is the escape, then?
Thanks for reading all this, though it's not much at all. I would love to hear what you think, and if you've been in a similiar situation (and maybe if you even got out if it) - I would love to read all about it!
I've been feeling extremely disconnected and confused lately, especially about how I feel. I understand that my BPD is affecting this greatly, but I have also been feeling more suicidal lately.
Out of the two methods that I liked the most (SN and Night-Night), I decided to choose SN. However, there are a few things that keep me from moving forward with the plan:
1. I have my parents, my brother and my dog. I think I will miss them very much, also I wouldn't like for them to be sad over my death.
2. Even though I try to believe in an afterlife, not a religious one, but more like a perfect one (e.g. imagine anything and make it become a reality, basically your own personal heaven), I have also been a person of science my whole life. No matter how hard I try, there will always be this little voice telling me that there might be nothing, which is pretty likely. But honestly, I don't want it to be nothing.
3. I am afraid of the process itself. What if it goes wrong? What if I get brain damage? What if it will be painful? Suicide, naturally, is a risk. It's an attempt on your life, so, obviously, some damage is inevitable. Still. Hard to get over.
And lastly, do I even really want to die? I want not to feel all this pain that I'm feeling right now, but I also feel like I don't want to cure any of my mental health conditions. I do not want to go back to normal, I don't want to integrate into the society that I despise with all my heart. Maybe I'll never be normal, and I'm okay with that. But what is the escape, then?
Thanks for reading all this, though it's not much at all. I would love to hear what you think, and if you've been in a similiar situation (and maybe if you even got out if it) - I would love to read all about it!
