Nodscene
Its time
- Jun 7, 2019
- 154
Some of you may know I had a failed attempt in Nov (I've talked about it a bit or at least mentioned it) but I had very little info on what exactly happened. Part of that was that I in really bad shape and the meds I was on. I remember my sister explaining things but all I remember was that I wasn't awake for 3 days and they had to do CPR on my.
The parts I do remember was being in a gurney and being put in a helicopter to be sent to a hospital that was equiped to do the emergency surgery (which I had no clue why).
I know my sister and dad were pretty devastated so I didn't want to ask them to give me the whole story but I was able to get some more info from my best friend, you'll see why in a bit.
To start at the beginning I didn't have any concrete plans on when I was going to CTB but it was seriously on my mind for quite a while (I had a previous failed attempt about 5 years ago but put that aside to deal with the loss of my job and to move back in with family...which I was trying to avoid)
One night I had been drinking and due to chronic pain I was also on high dosages of opiods and other meds. I was still suffering but could handle the pain most of the time. I just couldn't sit or stand for much longer than 3hrs even on the most comfortable recliner before I had to lay down and wait for the repercusions the following day or two. Anything where I was bent over like sweeping and doing dishes (let alone trying to shovel or mow the lawn for my 88 year old dad) was not possible due to the pain increasing at an exponential level in a short period of time. So I live off frozen food and use plastic utensils and paper plates so I don't have to wash them
As I was in bed and coping the best I could I decided to OD on hydromorphone, sleeping pills, Valium, and alcohol. The strangest thing was that I already felt like I was dying so it wouldn't take much to finish the job. I remember writing a short note for my family and supposedly ended up writing a much longer letter than expected (kind of like this post haha).
It wasn't long before I passed out and I remember at some point experiencing the most profound peace I'd ever known...even surpassing some extreme mushroom trips :) Not long after that there was nothing and I ceased to exist. I can't wait for the next time as I won't fail.
Normally my dad doesn't bother me as I'm in the basement and my sleeping hours are all over the place so he's used to me being asleep during the days. For some reason he decided to check on me which turned out to be because he thought I wasn't breathing. Not sure how he spotted that since it's always really dark.
As expected he called the ambulance and my sister and I was whisked away to the hospital. At some point I felt this excruciating pain in my chest and I was crying out in my head to stop it. I don't know the time frame but I think it was from them doing CPR.
I came to find out from my friend today that I was on life support for 3 days. That really pisses my off because both my dad and sister both know I don't want any rescucitations and I even have a DNR tattoo on my wrist. To give them credit they tried to convince the doctor to let me die but I don't know how long they waited and how hard they fought. I should have been left to die and not put on machines.
The reason my best friend was called by my sister is that after 3 days they were going to take me off life support and no one was sure if I was going to be brain dead, die, or have other severe side effects from being dead for an unknown amount of time before being discovered and life saving measures were implemented. She was on the phone when they removed that stuff just to be there and wanted to make sure I was ok or be there in case I did pass.
After all that I still had a temperature of 103.7 due to a severe case of Pneumonia as well as a rare infection called Empyema which is where instead of having fluid between the lungs and the rib cage it's filled with puss. They cured the Pneumonia which is when they discovered the Empyema and immediately flew me by helicopter 4 hrs to the nearest hospital with a qualified surgeon.
As I mentioned normally with that infection it's pus that fills the cavity space but in my case if was all blood and some kind of fibrous material making it really hard to drain the fluids. By this time I must have been on a strong local anesthetic because I was awake for some of it and they even let me take pictures. As you can see there's a good amount of blood and the longest needle I've ever seen!
That's my story in a somewhat large nutshell. It actually makes me sad that I came so close and against all odds (I did manage to die at least once) was still revived and here I am waiting for my next try.
The absolute worst part was putting my family through so much trauma over 4 days or so and yet still have to CTB and do it to them all over again. Worst still is that it will need to be done in a month - 6 weeks because the doctor who treated me marked in my file I was a drug addict and called my doctor saying that he's not allowed to write any more prescriptions for me because he lives too far away from me.
I guess there are rules in regards to distance between patient and doctor and yet she knew that it's literally impossible to get a doctor where I live let alone one who will prescribe opiods. I was smart enough to make a stash of my meds so I'm currently getting by but as you may have guessed they will only last a month and a half.
I absolutely refuse to live in extreme pain (I can deal with chronic fatigue and severe depression but this is a whole other ball game) and don't understand how the healers of our generation lack the concsious and compassion to treat those in pain. All we are to them are drug seekers and drug addicts unless you have cancer. Then it's ok to take pain meds. I wish they could live in my shoes for a week.
My biggest screw up happened when I had to go to the hospital a while back and asked for a DNR form but got talked out of it because they said they only really give out the forms when you are in the hospital (for more than an infection). If I had that I'd be no more and would have succeeded. I'm going back this week to get one filled out and won't take no for an answer. Anyone who's made it this far should seriously consider going to their nearest hospital (or the one they think they will end up at) and get one filled out.
You can also get a medic alert bracelet identifying you as having a legal DNR order which may prevent the first responders from trying to recessetate (laws vary but still a good idea). I was at a very high risk of having brain damage from being dead for as long as I was which could have left me in a much worse scenario and even unable to be able to try to CTB again.
I wasn't expecting to write this much but trust me, it could have been a lot worse haha. Thanks for taking the time to listen to part of my story.
The parts I do remember was being in a gurney and being put in a helicopter to be sent to a hospital that was equiped to do the emergency surgery (which I had no clue why).
I know my sister and dad were pretty devastated so I didn't want to ask them to give me the whole story but I was able to get some more info from my best friend, you'll see why in a bit.
To start at the beginning I didn't have any concrete plans on when I was going to CTB but it was seriously on my mind for quite a while (I had a previous failed attempt about 5 years ago but put that aside to deal with the loss of my job and to move back in with family...which I was trying to avoid)
One night I had been drinking and due to chronic pain I was also on high dosages of opiods and other meds. I was still suffering but could handle the pain most of the time. I just couldn't sit or stand for much longer than 3hrs even on the most comfortable recliner before I had to lay down and wait for the repercusions the following day or two. Anything where I was bent over like sweeping and doing dishes (let alone trying to shovel or mow the lawn for my 88 year old dad) was not possible due to the pain increasing at an exponential level in a short period of time. So I live off frozen food and use plastic utensils and paper plates so I don't have to wash them
As I was in bed and coping the best I could I decided to OD on hydromorphone, sleeping pills, Valium, and alcohol. The strangest thing was that I already felt like I was dying so it wouldn't take much to finish the job. I remember writing a short note for my family and supposedly ended up writing a much longer letter than expected (kind of like this post haha).
It wasn't long before I passed out and I remember at some point experiencing the most profound peace I'd ever known...even surpassing some extreme mushroom trips :) Not long after that there was nothing and I ceased to exist. I can't wait for the next time as I won't fail.
Normally my dad doesn't bother me as I'm in the basement and my sleeping hours are all over the place so he's used to me being asleep during the days. For some reason he decided to check on me which turned out to be because he thought I wasn't breathing. Not sure how he spotted that since it's always really dark.
As expected he called the ambulance and my sister and I was whisked away to the hospital. At some point I felt this excruciating pain in my chest and I was crying out in my head to stop it. I don't know the time frame but I think it was from them doing CPR.
I came to find out from my friend today that I was on life support for 3 days. That really pisses my off because both my dad and sister both know I don't want any rescucitations and I even have a DNR tattoo on my wrist. To give them credit they tried to convince the doctor to let me die but I don't know how long they waited and how hard they fought. I should have been left to die and not put on machines.
The reason my best friend was called by my sister is that after 3 days they were going to take me off life support and no one was sure if I was going to be brain dead, die, or have other severe side effects from being dead for an unknown amount of time before being discovered and life saving measures were implemented. She was on the phone when they removed that stuff just to be there and wanted to make sure I was ok or be there in case I did pass.
After all that I still had a temperature of 103.7 due to a severe case of Pneumonia as well as a rare infection called Empyema which is where instead of having fluid between the lungs and the rib cage it's filled with puss. They cured the Pneumonia which is when they discovered the Empyema and immediately flew me by helicopter 4 hrs to the nearest hospital with a qualified surgeon.
As I mentioned normally with that infection it's pus that fills the cavity space but in my case if was all blood and some kind of fibrous material making it really hard to drain the fluids. By this time I must have been on a strong local anesthetic because I was awake for some of it and they even let me take pictures. As you can see there's a good amount of blood and the longest needle I've ever seen!
That's my story in a somewhat large nutshell. It actually makes me sad that I came so close and against all odds (I did manage to die at least once) was still revived and here I am waiting for my next try.
The absolute worst part was putting my family through so much trauma over 4 days or so and yet still have to CTB and do it to them all over again. Worst still is that it will need to be done in a month - 6 weeks because the doctor who treated me marked in my file I was a drug addict and called my doctor saying that he's not allowed to write any more prescriptions for me because he lives too far away from me.
I guess there are rules in regards to distance between patient and doctor and yet she knew that it's literally impossible to get a doctor where I live let alone one who will prescribe opiods. I was smart enough to make a stash of my meds so I'm currently getting by but as you may have guessed they will only last a month and a half.
I absolutely refuse to live in extreme pain (I can deal with chronic fatigue and severe depression but this is a whole other ball game) and don't understand how the healers of our generation lack the concsious and compassion to treat those in pain. All we are to them are drug seekers and drug addicts unless you have cancer. Then it's ok to take pain meds. I wish they could live in my shoes for a week.
My biggest screw up happened when I had to go to the hospital a while back and asked for a DNR form but got talked out of it because they said they only really give out the forms when you are in the hospital (for more than an infection). If I had that I'd be no more and would have succeeded. I'm going back this week to get one filled out and won't take no for an answer. Anyone who's made it this far should seriously consider going to their nearest hospital (or the one they think they will end up at) and get one filled out.
You can also get a medic alert bracelet identifying you as having a legal DNR order which may prevent the first responders from trying to recessetate (laws vary but still a good idea). I was at a very high risk of having brain damage from being dead for as long as I was which could have left me in a much worse scenario and even unable to be able to try to CTB again.
I wasn't expecting to write this much but trust me, it could have been a lot worse haha. Thanks for taking the time to listen to part of my story.
