I made an account here a few years ago, but I never really posted much.
I have a history of being bullied and I was never popular with girls. My first and only relationship was at 25 with someone 5 years older than me. The relationship started going south when she said that she showed her friends my pics and they weren't impressed and made fun. We didn't even kiss. I am going to be 28 soon. I currently have no partner and no regular social circle that I chat or hang out with. I am from Sri Lanka and I'm currently studying Game Development in the UK. I was in UK when I was very small and me and my parents thought I would be happy here. But I'm not. I have done well on studies so far, but I have 0 social interactions. When 5 of us get on the bus to go home every day, we sit in 5 different seats. We are not close at all.
Despite being south asian, I have never really felt south asian culturally or physically. No, this is not a result of colonialism as the woke narrative would have you believe. Ever since I was a kid I have felt East Asian(using the term very loosely here). I have always had a fondness for Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Kazakh, Mongolian, Indonesian, Malaysian, Singaporean, Vietnamese and other asian aesthetics. The sight of Japanese letters fill me with Joy. While the sight of Sinhalese, Tamil and Hindi letters fill me with fear, anxiety, dread, depression and claustrophobia. I don't consider myself to be a Buddhist. But the sight of an East Asian Depiction of Buddha fills me with Tranquility, while the sight of a south asian depiction of Buddha fills me with those same feelings of anxiety and dread. I have always been attracted East Asian people regardless of Gender. I remember the first time I saw a Japanese person. And I realized that all my close friends growing up had belonged to the Malay minority in Sri Lanka. And all the girls I've ever had crushes on, including the only partner I had, had Asian features.
It because of these reasons that I consider myself transracial. I consider myself Anglo-Japanese. Anglo, because England itself played a role in who I am as a person. I have started learning Japanese. And I told my mother that we should go to Japan and convert from Sinhalese Theravadha Buddhism to Japanese Zen Buddhism. I want to get plastic surgery for my face, and my mother said she is okay with me going for that. But I'm afraid the surgery will make me look worse than I am. I am afraid of ending up like Oli London.
On my first day in England, I met a beautiful malaysian chinese girl and instantly developed a crush on her. We took the same bus from the airport, and took the same cab to the student village we're staying at. I was delusional enough to think that such a beautiful girl would want to be with someone who looked like me. I asked her out for coffee and she said she will think about it. I didn't realize she was just being nice. I later found out that she had a boyfriend, and I was devastated. She is now ignoring me. Last week she didn't even acknowledge me when I entered the student lounge. I had to initiate the conversation, and she didn't speak to me beyond small talk, and had her back turned to me as she drank her tea. When she left, she said good bye, several times, to all the people there, by name, and specifically left me out. However, this behaviour is not unique to just her. I am part of the regular crowd who hangs out in the lounge, and none of the people there acknowledge my existence. I get no 'Hi's or 'Bye's unless I initiate them. And that's all I get.
I have tried to change my situation for years. I grew up quite fat, and this drastically affected my self esteem. I couldn't even talk to girls. But I made up for it by socializing online. Sri Lanka is a small country and most of the population is concentrated around the capital. It is a lot like Singapore in that respect. When I was 21, I went through a massive weightloss because I wanted to date one of my online female friends. I lost 30 kg in three months. But I still didn't get the girl. She was my best and only friend, and she was just using me as an emotional tampon. But I still kept hitting the gym, taking care of my skin, and started dressing nice. This didn't really help all that much. While I was able to overcome my anxiety, my acne scars never went away. I posted a picture of my face to a shitposting group on fb once, with a picture an over the top american flag in the background. I was instantly ganged up on for my face. I was told that my face looks like chernobyl, and that the other sri lankan guy in the group is more handsome than me.
But the biggest flaw in my appearance is my hair. Before the weightloss, I had long and luscious hair. But after the weightloss I immediately started losing hair. I kept telling myself that I could find someone I'm compatible with before my hair completely goes away. But that never happened. I have the hair of a middle aged man at 27. I was 21 when I started losing my hair. Growing up, my hair was only asset. My parents have spent money on medication and treatments, but they've barely slowed down the hairloss. When the lockdown happened, my life slowly started going down hill again. My depression which I had been taking medication on and off for became worse. I started ordering take out, but I kept working out from home. I gained some fat. I slowly lost my abs.
After the break up, the depression got worse, and I had to take meds. My parents forced me to take them. I didn't have a job, despite being a 25 year old IT graduate. This also added to my depression. When my last Gym membership expired, I stopped going to the gym and decided to work out from home. But over the years I returned to a skinny fat body. The medication caused a lot of weight gain and killed my motivation. At one point I was institutionalized. I'm still trying to reclaim the body and hair I lost. I ran for an hour last week and when I tried to do it the next day, my shins hurt. They had been hurting for over 6 months, but this was unbearable, so I went to a doctor and he told me I would need physiotherapy to recover. I'm dieting heavily again, eating only apples each day.
Before anyone tells me that I have to work on myself, just before I left Sri Lanka, I had a job as a Game Developer where I was making 600 usd a month. Which is more than a lot of people make. for comparison, a tech lead makes around 1800 usd. And this was just my first real job. I have multiple talents and interests, I can draw, play the guitar, I'm a writer and I put my first novel on kindle, and I have written a bunch of poetry and short stories. Infact, my 'partner' liked me BECAUSE I was a writer, and she wanted to stay friends with me after we broke up. I thought she was just being nice, but she actually expected an engaging friendship after the breakup. I told her I wasn't over her, cuz it was my first relationship. And she told me not to consider it a relationship if that's what's bothering me. I started talking to someone a few months later, but she later cut me off saying she realized she was just using me to get over her ex. Soon I'll have a master's degree and go on to make 2000 GBP a month.
I tried approaching multiple asian girls here in the UK, ones from Malaysia and Vietnam, but they aren't interested in me. I have an internet friend in Sri Lanka who's half Malay and she and I have a deep connection where we care about each other platonically. I asked her if she wants to date. She said she's in love with someone else, and doesn't want to ruin our friendship with anything casual. I told her that love isn't a real thing, and that if you're lucky enough to find someone you can tolerate, you hold on and never let go. She agreed, but said she doesn't want to lead me on.
I have finally accepted that I will never be Anglo-Japanese, despite that's how I feel. I will never have an asian girlfriend. I will never travel the world with her and fuck her on different hotel balconies. I will never teach my kids to throw a ball or swing a bat. And I'm okay with it. I don't forgive the world for doing this to me. I have told my own mother that she should've marrried a white or asian guy. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay with the fact that I've lost in every aspect of my life. But I won't to have the last say in things. I don't want to watch my parents grow old and die. It's too much to bear. I don't wanna surround myself with books and actions figures till they're stacked to the walls and gathering dust. I don't want to spend money on fashion at the age of 30+. I don't want to work 9 - 5, even though I enjoy my work. I don't want to die alone.
I have no one in this life. And the life I'm currently living is a lie. My class went drinking a few months ago for a team building exercise. And during all the banter, someone asked me how many people I've had sex with in the last 5 years. I said 3. And asked him how many he's had, and he said "too many to count".
I feel like my nobody loves me, not even my parents. They never did anything to save me when I came home crying and bleeding and with scars over my face and my uniform full of shoeprints from being kicked. Now they just care cuz they realize they're old. And they don't even remember some of the things THEY did to me. Which is it's own can of worms.
Yes, I am in touch with the UK and University mental health teams, but they're not helping at all.
I have different medication stockpiled from months. Including Lithium. Every night I have to fight the urge to not take all my medication at once and OD. From morning to night I endure myself. I stay up till 2 AM every day cuz I can't feel and feel so lonely. I wake up at 7, and more recently at 6 and I go to college. When I get home I try to read or write or draw and often fail. Not even porn helps anymore, as masturbation feels like something I do to relieve myself. Not to make myself better. It feels like a maintenance task. Something I do for the dopamine, rather than because I'm in the mood. And it's harder to do now because my sex drive is dead from all the medication.
I didn't mean to go on such a long rant, and I'm sorry about that.
I have finally accepted that I will never be Anglo-Japanese. I don't blame any of the Asian and Asian-looking girls for rejecting me. I'm a disgusting pajeet and pajeets like me don't deserve to live. People put out their pets for far smaller reasons. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage. And I want to be put out of my misery. Every animal out there has a use, but not me. I'm worse than an animal. No one has ever loved me and no one ever will.
My story is one of many thousands, and the world will not suffer if it ends too soon.
I have a history of being bullied and I was never popular with girls. My first and only relationship was at 25 with someone 5 years older than me. The relationship started going south when she said that she showed her friends my pics and they weren't impressed and made fun. We didn't even kiss. I am going to be 28 soon. I currently have no partner and no regular social circle that I chat or hang out with. I am from Sri Lanka and I'm currently studying Game Development in the UK. I was in UK when I was very small and me and my parents thought I would be happy here. But I'm not. I have done well on studies so far, but I have 0 social interactions. When 5 of us get on the bus to go home every day, we sit in 5 different seats. We are not close at all.
Despite being south asian, I have never really felt south asian culturally or physically. No, this is not a result of colonialism as the woke narrative would have you believe. Ever since I was a kid I have felt East Asian(using the term very loosely here). I have always had a fondness for Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Kazakh, Mongolian, Indonesian, Malaysian, Singaporean, Vietnamese and other asian aesthetics. The sight of Japanese letters fill me with Joy. While the sight of Sinhalese, Tamil and Hindi letters fill me with fear, anxiety, dread, depression and claustrophobia. I don't consider myself to be a Buddhist. But the sight of an East Asian Depiction of Buddha fills me with Tranquility, while the sight of a south asian depiction of Buddha fills me with those same feelings of anxiety and dread. I have always been attracted East Asian people regardless of Gender. I remember the first time I saw a Japanese person. And I realized that all my close friends growing up had belonged to the Malay minority in Sri Lanka. And all the girls I've ever had crushes on, including the only partner I had, had Asian features.
It because of these reasons that I consider myself transracial. I consider myself Anglo-Japanese. Anglo, because England itself played a role in who I am as a person. I have started learning Japanese. And I told my mother that we should go to Japan and convert from Sinhalese Theravadha Buddhism to Japanese Zen Buddhism. I want to get plastic surgery for my face, and my mother said she is okay with me going for that. But I'm afraid the surgery will make me look worse than I am. I am afraid of ending up like Oli London.
On my first day in England, I met a beautiful malaysian chinese girl and instantly developed a crush on her. We took the same bus from the airport, and took the same cab to the student village we're staying at. I was delusional enough to think that such a beautiful girl would want to be with someone who looked like me. I asked her out for coffee and she said she will think about it. I didn't realize she was just being nice. I later found out that she had a boyfriend, and I was devastated. She is now ignoring me. Last week she didn't even acknowledge me when I entered the student lounge. I had to initiate the conversation, and she didn't speak to me beyond small talk, and had her back turned to me as she drank her tea. When she left, she said good bye, several times, to all the people there, by name, and specifically left me out. However, this behaviour is not unique to just her. I am part of the regular crowd who hangs out in the lounge, and none of the people there acknowledge my existence. I get no 'Hi's or 'Bye's unless I initiate them. And that's all I get.
I have tried to change my situation for years. I grew up quite fat, and this drastically affected my self esteem. I couldn't even talk to girls. But I made up for it by socializing online. Sri Lanka is a small country and most of the population is concentrated around the capital. It is a lot like Singapore in that respect. When I was 21, I went through a massive weightloss because I wanted to date one of my online female friends. I lost 30 kg in three months. But I still didn't get the girl. She was my best and only friend, and she was just using me as an emotional tampon. But I still kept hitting the gym, taking care of my skin, and started dressing nice. This didn't really help all that much. While I was able to overcome my anxiety, my acne scars never went away. I posted a picture of my face to a shitposting group on fb once, with a picture an over the top american flag in the background. I was instantly ganged up on for my face. I was told that my face looks like chernobyl, and that the other sri lankan guy in the group is more handsome than me.
But the biggest flaw in my appearance is my hair. Before the weightloss, I had long and luscious hair. But after the weightloss I immediately started losing hair. I kept telling myself that I could find someone I'm compatible with before my hair completely goes away. But that never happened. I have the hair of a middle aged man at 27. I was 21 when I started losing my hair. Growing up, my hair was only asset. My parents have spent money on medication and treatments, but they've barely slowed down the hairloss. When the lockdown happened, my life slowly started going down hill again. My depression which I had been taking medication on and off for became worse. I started ordering take out, but I kept working out from home. I gained some fat. I slowly lost my abs.
After the break up, the depression got worse, and I had to take meds. My parents forced me to take them. I didn't have a job, despite being a 25 year old IT graduate. This also added to my depression. When my last Gym membership expired, I stopped going to the gym and decided to work out from home. But over the years I returned to a skinny fat body. The medication caused a lot of weight gain and killed my motivation. At one point I was institutionalized. I'm still trying to reclaim the body and hair I lost. I ran for an hour last week and when I tried to do it the next day, my shins hurt. They had been hurting for over 6 months, but this was unbearable, so I went to a doctor and he told me I would need physiotherapy to recover. I'm dieting heavily again, eating only apples each day.
Before anyone tells me that I have to work on myself, just before I left Sri Lanka, I had a job as a Game Developer where I was making 600 usd a month. Which is more than a lot of people make. for comparison, a tech lead makes around 1800 usd. And this was just my first real job. I have multiple talents and interests, I can draw, play the guitar, I'm a writer and I put my first novel on kindle, and I have written a bunch of poetry and short stories. Infact, my 'partner' liked me BECAUSE I was a writer, and she wanted to stay friends with me after we broke up. I thought she was just being nice, but she actually expected an engaging friendship after the breakup. I told her I wasn't over her, cuz it was my first relationship. And she told me not to consider it a relationship if that's what's bothering me. I started talking to someone a few months later, but she later cut me off saying she realized she was just using me to get over her ex. Soon I'll have a master's degree and go on to make 2000 GBP a month.
I tried approaching multiple asian girls here in the UK, ones from Malaysia and Vietnam, but they aren't interested in me. I have an internet friend in Sri Lanka who's half Malay and she and I have a deep connection where we care about each other platonically. I asked her if she wants to date. She said she's in love with someone else, and doesn't want to ruin our friendship with anything casual. I told her that love isn't a real thing, and that if you're lucky enough to find someone you can tolerate, you hold on and never let go. She agreed, but said she doesn't want to lead me on.
I have finally accepted that I will never be Anglo-Japanese, despite that's how I feel. I will never have an asian girlfriend. I will never travel the world with her and fuck her on different hotel balconies. I will never teach my kids to throw a ball or swing a bat. And I'm okay with it. I don't forgive the world for doing this to me. I have told my own mother that she should've marrried a white or asian guy. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay with the fact that I've lost in every aspect of my life. But I won't to have the last say in things. I don't want to watch my parents grow old and die. It's too much to bear. I don't wanna surround myself with books and actions figures till they're stacked to the walls and gathering dust. I don't want to spend money on fashion at the age of 30+. I don't want to work 9 - 5, even though I enjoy my work. I don't want to die alone.
I have no one in this life. And the life I'm currently living is a lie. My class went drinking a few months ago for a team building exercise. And during all the banter, someone asked me how many people I've had sex with in the last 5 years. I said 3. And asked him how many he's had, and he said "too many to count".
I feel like my nobody loves me, not even my parents. They never did anything to save me when I came home crying and bleeding and with scars over my face and my uniform full of shoeprints from being kicked. Now they just care cuz they realize they're old. And they don't even remember some of the things THEY did to me. Which is it's own can of worms.
Yes, I am in touch with the UK and University mental health teams, but they're not helping at all.
I have different medication stockpiled from months. Including Lithium. Every night I have to fight the urge to not take all my medication at once and OD. From morning to night I endure myself. I stay up till 2 AM every day cuz I can't feel and feel so lonely. I wake up at 7, and more recently at 6 and I go to college. When I get home I try to read or write or draw and often fail. Not even porn helps anymore, as masturbation feels like something I do to relieve myself. Not to make myself better. It feels like a maintenance task. Something I do for the dopamine, rather than because I'm in the mood. And it's harder to do now because my sex drive is dead from all the medication.
I didn't mean to go on such a long rant, and I'm sorry about that.
I have finally accepted that I will never be Anglo-Japanese. I don't blame any of the Asian and Asian-looking girls for rejecting me. I'm a disgusting pajeet and pajeets like me don't deserve to live. People put out their pets for far smaller reasons. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage. And I want to be put out of my misery. Every animal out there has a use, but not me. I'm worse than an animal. No one has ever loved me and no one ever will.
My story is one of many thousands, and the world will not suffer if it ends too soon.
