Rounded Apathy
Longing to return to stardust
- Aug 8, 2022
- 772
To be totally honest, I'm not really sure what the point of me posting this is. Also want to preface by saying I mean no disrespect to those dealing with this issue in a way different from me. I feel like this label applies to me, but what does it even really mean? That I can do most things but want to die? Compared to whom? In whose eyes? To myself, I am half the person I once was at best, and can even see now there is a waxing and waning of relative wellness. Times when I actively do things to try and make myself better; then the inevitable disappointment or total curveball and I just want to lay in bed in the dark for days on end. Is that high functioning to people?
I expect a lot has to do with the eyes of others, but so so often suicide comes as a "surprised" to those who knew the departed. I have straight up told a small number of people in the also small number of those I consider "friends" (though at this point it's a stretch) that most days I stave off sleep because giving in means laying there with nothing to pull my mind from the feeling that I just don't want to wake up and live another day. I haven't told them the extent to which I've ruminated on death, how I might bring it upon myself, and so on. Is this "high function"?
On the other hand, even on this site I do feel somehow different. So many of the posts I see are from people who seem to be on the very edge; looking for advice on securing means or methods, feeling like they might make a move at the drop of a hat, or even sadly saying goodbye. Whereas most of my posts are of totally different natures. I feel like I do, in a way, occupy this weird limbo space even here which I have in some way or other felt myself in for much of my remembered life. In this world, but not of it, in a way. I dunno man.
I guess now that I've written, I'm hoping (like in much of my contributions here) that someone has some amount of shared perspective and can give me some insight on how to deal with this. I know how and have seen people very vocal or even active about their suicidality go totally unseen, dismissed, or even denied the help they full on reach out for; people in whom others can plainly see something isn't right. What the hell is one supposed to do when you do not want to live, but it's not so "obvious" (what a gross way to phrase it)?
I expect a lot has to do with the eyes of others, but so so often suicide comes as a "surprised" to those who knew the departed. I have straight up told a small number of people in the also small number of those I consider "friends" (though at this point it's a stretch) that most days I stave off sleep because giving in means laying there with nothing to pull my mind from the feeling that I just don't want to wake up and live another day. I haven't told them the extent to which I've ruminated on death, how I might bring it upon myself, and so on. Is this "high function"?
On the other hand, even on this site I do feel somehow different. So many of the posts I see are from people who seem to be on the very edge; looking for advice on securing means or methods, feeling like they might make a move at the drop of a hat, or even sadly saying goodbye. Whereas most of my posts are of totally different natures. I feel like I do, in a way, occupy this weird limbo space even here which I have in some way or other felt myself in for much of my remembered life. In this world, but not of it, in a way. I dunno man.
I guess now that I've written, I'm hoping (like in much of my contributions here) that someone has some amount of shared perspective and can give me some insight on how to deal with this. I know how and have seen people very vocal or even active about their suicidality go totally unseen, dismissed, or even denied the help they full on reach out for; people in whom others can plainly see something isn't right. What the hell is one supposed to do when you do not want to live, but it's not so "obvious" (what a gross way to phrase it)?