I'm from Estonia if anyone knows where it is...We all have different back stories..I never had right family.. mom was change guys more then socks and all was give her feel beating and I couldn't do anything till i was left home when I was 16 because mom was choosing man instead her child and that man was beating her..he was promised to kill or send hospital me, but I was kinda strong and knew too much respectful people in bad way..I survived easily, I'm nice good looking , earn nice money...girls fall in love..ever should be perfect...but something happened 8 months ago..I was going to sweden, found sweet girl , love was more then ever I felted..and after 4 years and sweet baby girl everything was change..she was dumped me and came out she was on dating sites almost few year...it was broke me..I was desperate,,psychologists was saying I feel depressed and lonely because I never had real family..they had right , but it didn't help..sense then all have going down..I never would been here if I wouldn't have put 200% in family and believed how beautiful future will be...we was plan to buy house in this spring and merry on 8 july...but instead I sit here and do my last day plans on country where I don't have family or no real friends because everything was connected whit her and all of them ghosted me and no way I go back my land and face of shame ..
Separated almost 8 months ago…I'm trying to forget them and move on but I cant, I feel like I'm being choked all the time. I dont know anymore, to them I'm just some crazy unstable stalker ex. I never stalked them, I'd avoid them, still I just hope for one day they come back but they wont. Forever I'll be Villian in their eyes. Just like that, I was promised so much, we were going to have a future. They told me they would never leave, yet here I am damaged and alone. I would have rather died then deal with this pain. I keep trying new things, obsessing over self improvement but it just doesnt feel good. I dont know maybe I just need to keep walking. Even if I'm not living just keep walking. Noone else matters, maybe I was meant to be alone. Alone forever, maybe it was a lie, a convenient lie.. I guess it's better I close my heart, close it forever and become ice cold. I feel it in my body a coldness I cant get rid of
It feels awful, I know that it will never workout, that they wont talk to me ever again. I know the good times wont come again but I long for them so bad. Right now they completely hate me and are dating someone else, I just wish it could of worked out. I finally allowed myself to love, but I think that might of been the biggest mistake I ever did. I wish I could go back to being cold and detached, to being robotic almost and not caring. The pain is too immense, love is truly one of the worst feelings in the world. I still care for them no matter what I do, I can try to forget them or demonize but I cant bring myself to do that. I think about them alot. Chasing girls brings me no pleasure, i still think of them all the time. I dont know what to do but maybe time will heal me. I wish it could of worked out.. at least see them once
Every single day in last 8 months I have thinking about ctb..in my head every evening "maybe now..maybe now..maybe now.."
She don't wanna leave me as a father custody over baby girl, because that would mean she "loses".
The legal system is so awful, it lets people like like my ex have custody just because they're women.She blames me for every single thing that has gone wrong in her life and has mental breakdowns . She calls or send messages and tries to make me feel like its my fault and I can't tell if she's right or not because she's done this to me all last 4 years and i have except everything to just calm her down. I never understood that. No one cares until you're not around to care about
Funny how when you try to live and ask for help with problems, no one gives a crap, but the moment someone sees another try to commit suicide, they love to make it their business.
I'm not really sure how I feel anymore, I just feel like venting.
I feel stuck in the cycle of life, nothing excites me anymore
and I feel like i'm faking my happiness more than I usually do each day.
I'm tired of disappointing everyone around me and I can tell that the people
who are "suppose to care" are getting sick of me talking about the same shit all
of the time. That's when I start hiding how I actually feel, but if I end up lying then
it pisses people off more because "they know something is wrong and i'm just lying
to them by just saying that I'm fine" blah. I'm just tired of my thoughts going from good
one day to miserable the next. I honestly just wish I could stay in my deep depression and never
have another normal/happy day again. It would make ctb much easier. Whenever I'm alone
anywhere, I just look around at this shitty, fake society and wonder how anyone could enjoy
living so much. I feel like there's no point to anything anymore. I'm exhausted, putting effort towards living everyday and doing everything that I'm suppose to do is getting fucking awful.
I just feel like a huge ass burden to everyone and I can't stand living like this anymore,
but my SI is holding me back on ctb and I don't know what the hell to do anymore or
how to get over the SI.
Sorry that this is really random, probably pointless and doesn't make any sense but I don't know how much longer I can hold on to this so called life. I'm tired and sick of this world.
I don't even know if they care anymore so inside my head come thoughts like "Yeah, you should just make them hate you so you'll finally have a good reason to end your damn life"
We have had so many great moments together, but lately we've been arguing more and more and it feels like it's never going to stop.
I'm damn tired of being the only one to suffer from all this, I just want to cut our friendship, even with my best friend, even if I love her to death.
I know I would end up more depressed than what I already am but maybe that will finally be enough to make me kill myself once and for all.
Has someone messed with your mind so bad that they ended up breaking you apart. Ever since I met them I havent been the same, they tore my brain apart. They kept loving and hating me to the point my brain just broke. I dont know who I am, i dont feel real, I feel like an entity that's here just to create. They ruined me I was so much happier before I met them. I was in a dark place, but they sent me to a place even darker, a place where I wont come put alive. My heart is turning cold, my empathy is going away, my emotions are nothing and I'm losing interest in life itself. Who am I? How did i get here? I dont know anymore, I just need to keep creating, my self is going to vanish soon. Love is dangerous and unempathetic, love can destroy your whole psyche. Especially at the hands of someone who wants your soul…
And that's how I was getting there..have read almost everything and everyday all forum...but more clearly I understand I need my escape ..
