SN Was Found

[Serenity]

Well, all my plans are out the window now. Ordered my SN last Thursday, it came sooner than I expected and was left on my front porch. My Mom found it and took it..I am so angry with myself, I should have been more careful. Maybe this is a sign that I'm not supposed to CTB, I don't know. I just wanted to have the means to die, it made me feel more in control and safe. And now it's gone...not sure if I'm going to re-order yet considering my parents are probably going to be more vigilant now. I am so angry with myself, and just feel so hopeless.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Does she know what it was for?

 

[omoidarui]

is it possible you could arrange to have it delivered to a virtual office anywhere nearby?

 

[Serenity]

Does she know what it was for?

Yeah, unfortunately, I have been suicidal in the past so she knows.

is it possible you could arrange to have it delivered to a virtual office anywhere nearby?

I have no idea, I live in a remote area, but that is something I might look into.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Does she have a habit of opening your deliveries?

 

[Serenity]

Does she have a habit of opening your deliveries?

Not usually, but I don't order a lot of packages and usually the stuff I order is from Amazon or Indigo and this package had the lab company logo on the side and was just generally different than other stuff I ordered so she was curious.

 

[idontwannadothisanym]

Damn that's a pain.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I remember your thread seeking a Canada source via PM ,and several people replied asking for PMs. You might want to comment on that thread that the package has the company's name on it.

You said "not usually" about your mom opening your packages. Seems like she has an inconsistent history of doing so, but still a history. You've mentioned before that you were in contact with A, seems like if you ordered N you'd face the same challenge of your mom's intrusive curiosity.

 

[Serenity]

I might try ordering again tonight after my parents decide if I should go to the hospital or not..At least now I know how quickly the package is delivered. Unfortunately, they didn't email me a confirmation when the package was delivered so I had no idea when it would come, just how quickly it took other people. Now I can be on the alert a bit more.

I remember your thread seeking a Canada source via PM ,and several people replied asking for PMs. You might want to comment on that thread that the package has the company's name on it.

You said "not usually" about your mom opening your packages. Seems like she has an inconsistent history of doing so, but still a history. You've mentioned before that you were in contact with A, seems like if you ordered N you'd face the same challenge of your mom's intrusive curiosity.

Yeah, I was considering N in the beginning but changed my mind since it is incredibly difficult to obtain/is expensive/it is illegal in my country. Went with SN since there were fewer risks involved. I'll update that thread and let them know :) Yeah, it's more my Mom will ask me what the package is and then I will tell her, not as much her opening the packages herself. Though I have had times in the past where I would get a confirmation email that my package was shipped, go downstairs and get the package without anyone's knowledge. I just have to be on the lookout a bit more in the future.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I might try ordering again tonight after my parents decide if I should go to the hospital or not.

If you're an adult, how is their decision?

 

[Serenity]

If you're an adult, how is their decision?

I guess you're right, it's not their decision. I'm still in that child mindset that it is their decision apparently...I'm used to lots of 911 calls and being taken away by Police in cuffs to the hospital against my will, even as an adult. But as long as I say that I'm not suicidal at the moment, I guess there's nothing they can do.

 

[MissKatrina]

I definitely can relate to that. I've been keeping my eyes very very focused on the door because I expect it delivered this week and with the pandemic all family is home. Do you have the option of using a PO Box or it's equivalent? If it wasn't a pandemic I would have suggested educational institute/ work address.

 

[Serenity]

I definitely can relate to that. I've been keeping my eyes very very focused on the door because I expect it delivered this week and with the pandemic all family is home. Do you have the option of using a PO Box or it's equivalent? If it wasn't a pandemic I would have suggested educational institute/ work address.

Unfortunately I live in a very remote area and currently have no access to a vehicle I could use to drive to a Post Office. My parents are extremely over-protective of me taking into account what has happened in the past - I am 19 and have no job. I was accepted into University for Health Science but got into some trouble with my ex-boyfriend/the law and decided to take a leave of absence/gap year to "work on my mental health". I feel very trapped and I honestly feel that considering all the stupid decisions I have made that now haunt me, I don't want to continue in this world. I hope things work out for you

 

[Rockman]

In my country you can order to your local post-center and pick up with ID.

 

[InTheAirTonight]

I'm so sorry. I had mine shipped to FedEx facility for this reason.

 

[Serenity]

My Dad ended up calling my therapist and telling her about my plan. Now she made me promise that I will not do anything to hurt myself before I talk to her next.. Then she went on to tell me about people with worse chronic illnesses than myself and how I should be grateful for my life...God I feel so guilty and selfish. Even just writing this after talking to her rubs me the wrong way, telling her I was going to try and then automatically returning to the pro-choice suicide forum...

In my country you can order to your local post-center and pick up with ID.

I don't know if that's an option for me right now, I live in a remote area and don't have a vehicle I can drive to the post office.

I'm so sorry. I had mine shipped to FedEx facility for this reason.

I wish I had access to a vehicle so I could do the same This sucks

 

[Green Destiny]

My Dad ended up calling my therapist and telling her about my plan. Now she made me promise that I will not do anything to hurt myself before I talk to her next.. Then she went on to tell me about people with worse chronic illnesses than myself and how I should be grateful for my life...God I feel so guilty and selfish. Even just writing this after talking to her rubs me the wrong way, telling her I was going to try and then automatically returning to the pro-choice suicide forum...

I don't know if that's an option for me right now, I live in a remote area and don't have a vehicle I can drive to the post office.

I wish I had access to a vehicle so I could do the same This sucks

I think your therapist is in the wrong for pulling that "People have it worse than you" shit. That's not an effective method for making you or anyone else feel better. And I get where you're coming from with not being able to order SN without it being discovered by your parents. I wan't to do the same but my mom would be on my case from the moment the package got dropped off and she'd find out 100%. I just wan't it for the comfort of knowing that I have it, much like you did.

 

[InTheAirTonight]

Do you know where your mom hid it? A package that size would be hard to hide. Assuming she didn't dump the contents down the drain.

 

[Serenity]

Do you know where your mom hid it? A package that size would be hard to hide. Assuming she didn't dump the contents down the drain.

She put it in her van.

I think your therapist is in the wrong for pulling that "People have it worse than you" shit. That's not an effective method for making you or anyone else feel better. And I get where you're coming from with not being able to order SN without it being discovered by your parents. I wan't to do the same but my mom would be on my case from the moment the package got dropped off and she'd find out 100%. I just wan't it for the comfort of knowing that I have it, much like you did.

I hope you can get better/that things work out for you..Do you have any plans moving forward for how to deal with hypervigilant parents? XD

 

[InTheAirTonight]

She put it in her van.

I hope you can get better/that things work out for you..Do you have any plans moving forward for how to deal with hypervigilant parents? XD

Well if I was you, I would find her keys and open the box and store some SN in a small container. Discreetly and soon. Then close the box up as if you didn't touch it. But I don't know if you're as desperate as me to take that risk.

 

[Jumper Geo]

My Dad ended up calling my therapist and telling her about my plan. Now she made me promise that I will not do anything to hurt myself before I talk to her next.. Then she went on to tell me about people with worse chronic illnesses than myself and how I should be grateful for my life...God I feel so guilty and selfish. Even just writing this after talking to her rubs me the wrong way, telling her I was going to try and then automatically returning to the pro-choice suicide forum...

I don't know if that's an option for me right now, I live in a remote area and don't have a vehicle I can drive to the post office.

I wish I had access to a vehicle so I could do the same This sucks

Have you any butchers (meat markets near you if you get to know them by buying meat from them they might sell you some later.

 

[Serenity]

Well if I was you, I would find her keys and open the box and store some SN in a small container. Discreetly and soon. Then close the box up as if you didn't touch it. But I don't know if you're as desperate as me to take that risk.

I went outside and looked through the windows of the van, I don't even know if it's still in there since she went for a drive with my Brother right after she found it (when she was leaving that's when she found it on the front porch). For all I know she has disposed of it already or gave it to my Dad and my Dad took is someplace else. I might still try though, that doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Maybe tonight.

Have you any butchers (meat markets near you if you get to know them by buying meat from them they might sell you some later.

No I don't unfortunately. I'm not sure if they would be open right now anyway with all this Corona stuff. :(
I just wish they didn't find out..I feel so evil by doing this, no wonder I have no friends. I'm a selfish, ungrateful jerk and I just want this to end once and for all. I don't want people to keep telling me that it could be worse, or that I need to stick around for my family. I never asked for a supportive family in the first place, I just don't want this anymore!

 

[Serenity]

Hi everyone, just wanted to provide an update! I tried re-ordering SN from the same company and received an email the next day stating that the specified address has been blocked in their system, and they will be sending me a refund shortly. Looks like my parents got in touch with the company. Very annoying, to say the least. Looks like I'm going to have to find another source.

 

[InTheAirTonight]

Sorry to hear that. Is the original package gone?

 

[Serenity]

Sorry to hear that. Is the original package gone?

I have no idea, but now that I know my source isn't available anymore I'm going to look into it, maybe get the keys somehow and find out.

 

[TAW122]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you are able to somehow get your property back (SN is yours) and then once you do, hide it really well. My recommendation is to hide your SN in an inconspicuous bottle/container so only you know what it is and no one else. I hope you are able to find something that works in your personal circumstances.

 

[Sslsh]

have you considered partial hanging

 

[Serenity]

have you considered partial hanging

No, I have not. Seems like too much work lol, I would much prefer to die peacefully in a comfortable position.

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you are able to somehow get your property back (SN is yours) and then once you do, hide it really well. My recommendation is to hide your SN in an inconspicuous bottle/container so only you know what it is and no one else. I hope you are able to find something that works in your personal circumstances.

Thank you