I finally ordered my SN today using a fake name. I had to go to a café to use their wifi to do it which isn't ideal but I don't have wifi at my house and had no internet on my phone. A few minutes after I put my order in my mother called me because it had been a few days since she had heard from me and wanted to check in. We usually call every day but she has been really busy lately so I didn't want to disturb her.
Honestly it feels surreal. Suddenly I started thinking of things I enjoy doing like going for coffee and watching the world go by. I started thinking of places I've always wanted to go that I would never see. I suppose that's a normal response. It took effort to remind myself why I chose this path to begin with.
I just have to remember how much I hate myself and my life. I have to remember how bleak my future is and how shameful my past is. Having committed a horrible crime and been to prison and a mental hospital as a result, living with the shame and guilt of my actions and how they've affected all involved, living with how difficult my life is as a result (a full year of being rejected from 1000s of jobs, losing all my friends and how difficult it is to make new ones as an ex-con, feeling like you're deceiving people by not being upfront, since my crime was against a romantic partner that means a romantic relationship is off the table for me as well), these things all add up.
I speak to other ex-cons and I think I just have a different mindset to them because they're all career criminals, crime is normalised where they're from whereas I had never met anyone who had committed a crime or been to prison before. I am from a wonderful loving family, a nice middle class area, went to good schools, got good grades, got a good degree and had lots of job opportunities and friends who were also young professionals. I'm just from an entirely different world where someone committing a crime is unthinkable.
My lovely wonderful mother who has never hurt anyone in her life is now the mother of a criminal. My hardworking father who gave me and my siblings everything he could and provided a nice home and helped me pay for things during my degree had to visit me in prison in a foreign country. These good people now have to live with the stigma of having a criminal for a son when all they have ever done is their best to be good parents and give us a good life. That's not fair.
I used to work in a field that required a clean background check. I still get calls from recruiters all the time offering me jobs and I usually just sayI'm not interested or not available but there are times they're really persistent and I have to tell them I can't work for them due to my criminal record. Whereas a normal people my age were working, travelling, partying, making new friends, exploring romantic relationships I was in a prison cell.
I can't stop myself from thinking when I meet someone how horrified they would be if they knew what I had done. Especially in a romantic sense because they would probably fear for their safety. I'm in touch with someone from prison and we sometimes flirt a little bit but he told me the other day he could never have a relationship with me because he's scared of me. I just don't want to be the kind of person people are scared of. And the thing is based on my history he is right to be scared. I can't get offended when people reject me because they're only protecting themselves and I would do the same.
People say to me all the time there must be help for people in my position. The answer is yes and no. On paper there are lots of organisations that help people get back on their feet. In practice I have explored many avenues, I have retrained, I have completed psychology sessions based around my offences, I have worked with employment experts, mental health experts, people have written references for me. None of it has helped one bit unfortunately.
But it also has to do with my identity. Who am I? Who do I want to be? I don't want to be the type of person who has a probation officer. I don't want to be the type of person who requires psychological intervention to prevent them from committing crimes. I don't want to be the type of person who is known to the police. I don't want to be the type of person who has to lie about their life because the truth is so horrifying.
I want to be the type of person who would be at work right now instead of on a site like this. I want to be the type of person who has friends to spend time with. But the truth is I had the opportunity to be that type of person and I threw it away without a second thought.
I am turning 30 in just over two weeks and as it stands I will be spending the day alone. That in itself doesn't bother me too much because I spend almost every day entirely alone. It's just another day. But it shouldn't be. People should be thinking "oh it's his 30th soon we should do something nice". But there is no one in my life apart from my family who would think that. And my family live in a different country. I could go home to them for it but my aunt is dying so I used that as an excuse. I said we could do something later in the year. But I'm hoping my SN will come before that. I don't want to be 30 and living like this. Fingers crossed I won't have to.
Honestly it feels surreal. Suddenly I started thinking of things I enjoy doing like going for coffee and watching the world go by. I started thinking of places I've always wanted to go that I would never see. I suppose that's a normal response. It took effort to remind myself why I chose this path to begin with.
I just have to remember how much I hate myself and my life. I have to remember how bleak my future is and how shameful my past is. Having committed a horrible crime and been to prison and a mental hospital as a result, living with the shame and guilt of my actions and how they've affected all involved, living with how difficult my life is as a result (a full year of being rejected from 1000s of jobs, losing all my friends and how difficult it is to make new ones as an ex-con, feeling like you're deceiving people by not being upfront, since my crime was against a romantic partner that means a romantic relationship is off the table for me as well), these things all add up.
I speak to other ex-cons and I think I just have a different mindset to them because they're all career criminals, crime is normalised where they're from whereas I had never met anyone who had committed a crime or been to prison before. I am from a wonderful loving family, a nice middle class area, went to good schools, got good grades, got a good degree and had lots of job opportunities and friends who were also young professionals. I'm just from an entirely different world where someone committing a crime is unthinkable.
My lovely wonderful mother who has never hurt anyone in her life is now the mother of a criminal. My hardworking father who gave me and my siblings everything he could and provided a nice home and helped me pay for things during my degree had to visit me in prison in a foreign country. These good people now have to live with the stigma of having a criminal for a son when all they have ever done is their best to be good parents and give us a good life. That's not fair.
I used to work in a field that required a clean background check. I still get calls from recruiters all the time offering me jobs and I usually just sayI'm not interested or not available but there are times they're really persistent and I have to tell them I can't work for them due to my criminal record. Whereas a normal people my age were working, travelling, partying, making new friends, exploring romantic relationships I was in a prison cell.
I can't stop myself from thinking when I meet someone how horrified they would be if they knew what I had done. Especially in a romantic sense because they would probably fear for their safety. I'm in touch with someone from prison and we sometimes flirt a little bit but he told me the other day he could never have a relationship with me because he's scared of me. I just don't want to be the kind of person people are scared of. And the thing is based on my history he is right to be scared. I can't get offended when people reject me because they're only protecting themselves and I would do the same.
People say to me all the time there must be help for people in my position. The answer is yes and no. On paper there are lots of organisations that help people get back on their feet. In practice I have explored many avenues, I have retrained, I have completed psychology sessions based around my offences, I have worked with employment experts, mental health experts, people have written references for me. None of it has helped one bit unfortunately.
But it also has to do with my identity. Who am I? Who do I want to be? I don't want to be the type of person who has a probation officer. I don't want to be the type of person who requires psychological intervention to prevent them from committing crimes. I don't want to be the type of person who is known to the police. I don't want to be the type of person who has to lie about their life because the truth is so horrifying.
I want to be the type of person who would be at work right now instead of on a site like this. I want to be the type of person who has friends to spend time with. But the truth is I had the opportunity to be that type of person and I threw it away without a second thought.
I am turning 30 in just over two weeks and as it stands I will be spending the day alone. That in itself doesn't bother me too much because I spend almost every day entirely alone. It's just another day. But it shouldn't be. People should be thinking "oh it's his 30th soon we should do something nice". But there is no one in my life apart from my family who would think that. And my family live in a different country. I could go home to them for it but my aunt is dying so I used that as an excuse. I said we could do something later in the year. But I'm hoping my SN will come before that. I don't want to be 30 and living like this. Fingers crossed I won't have to.
