Venting SN just arrived & my mind is blank

[6ixxy]

So my SN came through the post about 10 minutes ago, and within those 10 minutes my mind has just been completely blank, it's finally coming full circle and starting to become reality & quite frankly it's terrifying, knowing I have the power in my hands to CTB. It's a very overwhelming situation right now
Any kind words or advice would be appreciated to help me over this.
(I'm not planning on CTB right now just need help with this current feeling)

 

[SinisterKid]

I found it really calmed me down when my SN arrived. I knew then, I could go anytime I choose. I am working hard to give life another go, but knowing that little bottle is there if it all goes pear shaped again, means I can get on with recovery.

Having "died" 3 years ago, I can honestly say I have no fear of death. It will happen to us all at some point, I just feel in control of the how and when.

 

[BPD_LE]

I know, I got a weird feeling when mine arrived too. Best thing to do is put it away somewhere out of sight and distract yourself. This feeling will pass and you can think about it again when you're more level-headed.

 

[6ixxy]

I found it really calmed me down when my SN arrived. I knew then, I could go anytime I choose. I am working hard to give life another go, but knowing that little bottle is there if it all goes pear shaped again, means I can get on with recovery.

Having "died" 3 years ago, I can honestly say I have no fear of death. It will happen to us all at some point, I just feel in control of the how and when.

It's the complete opposite for me, my meto arrived a few weeks ago and I was somewhat excited? Nothing phased me and I was prepared, but since things have very very slightly 'improved' it's knocked me back a bit receiving it, still doesn't stop my thoughts and visiting SS everyday, just a real strange feeling having so much power in your hands

I know, I got a weird feeling when mine arrived too. Best thing to do is put it away somewhere out of sight and distract yourself. This feeling will pass and you can think about it again when you're more level-headed.

Yeah I'm going to just get high as shit I think and hopefully forget about it, at least for now

 

[Arskam]

Hello

I know how you feel. I received mine a little over a month ago and I didn't touch it. I got the anti-E and I still have to buy an anti acid. I have left my country and I am now far from everything in Africa.
Leaving is a natural process for me. I have set for my departure from the earth a very close date. I think I follow the diet advised by stan.
I hope my end will be peaceful. I know, however, that this decision, which I have been walling for almost five years, will leave a field of ruins behind me. But getting up every morning became insurmountable.
I would have liked to achieve so many things and when I look behind me, I see nothing but failures. Never the worse, I'll go into nothingness with an unfinished life.
This box you received, looks strangely like mine. I know this feeling of seeming to regain some control over one's life by deciding the when and how of his death. I also know that feeling of doubt. Because we're all the same in the fund. We don't want to die, let alone suffer, but we can't live anymore.
For my part, the anguish of living has become such that I sometimes feel ridiculous in dreading a phone call or bad news when I myself have sentenced myself to death.
Make your own way of thinking, but know that everything you feel or feel is shared by a lot of people on earth.

 

[6ixxy]

Hello

I know how you feel. I received mine a little over a month ago and I didn't touch it. I got the anti-E and I still have to buy an anti acid. I have left my country and I am now far from everything in Africa.
Leaving is a natural process for me. I have set for my departure from the earth a very close date. I think I follow the diet advised by stan.
I hope my end will be peaceful. I know, however, that this decision, which I have been walling for almost five years, will leave a field of ruins behind me. But getting up every morning became insurmountable.
I would have liked to achieve so many things and when I look behind me, I see nothing but failures. Never the worse, I'll go into nothingness with an unfinished life.
This box you received, looks strangely like mine. I know this feeling of seeming to regain some control over one's life by deciding the when and how of his death. I also know that feeling of doubt. Because we're all the same in the fund. We don't want to die, let alone suffer, but we can't live anymore.
For my part, the anguish of living has become such that I sometimes feel ridiculous in dreading a phone call or bad news when I myself have sentenced myself to death.
Make your own way of thinking, but know that everything you feel or feel is shared by a lot of people on earth.

That was strangely beautiful to read, thank you for your nice words it's actually calmed me reading that alone & I hope and pray you have a peaceful exit if and when it comes to it, if however you make the decision to stay around I hope you have a wonderful life.

 

[Daniela]

I found it really calmed me down when my SN arrived. I knew then, I could go anytime I choose. I am working hard to give life another go, but knowing that little bottle is there if it all goes pear shaped again, means I can get on with recovery.

Having "died" 3 years ago, I can honestly say I have no fear of death. It will happen to us all at some point, I just feel in control of the how and when.

I will never be calm - it doesn't help I'm rushed. I am not at peace. Worries about SN clumping, losing its potency, perhaps it was opened on its way here and it's already damaged, etc. etc.

 

[Soul]

@Daniela, it's ok if it's been opened briefly - it doesn't deteriorate that quickly. Clumping just means no anti-clumping agent has been added. Be sure to get plenty of fresh air and rest, keep hydrated and eat your spinach. x

 

[helpfulfriendonwout]

So my SN came through the post about 10 minutes ago, and within those 10 minutes my mind has just been completely blank, it's finally coming full circle and starting to become reality & quite frankly it's terrifying, knowing I have the power in my hands to CTB. It's a very overwhelming situation right now
Any kind words or advice would be appreciated to help me over this.
(I'm not planning on CTB right now just need help with this current feeling)

I think it should fade with the more you think about it, kindof like exposure therapy. I believe I felt something similar the first time I got a helium kit, but over time it became a crutch rather than a fear. I realized that I could end my pain whenever I wanted, and so I didn't need to be so afraid of what pain might be coming.

 

[Daniela]

@Daniela, it's ok if it's been opened briefly - it doesn't deteriorate that quickly. Clumping just means no anti-clumping agent has been added. Be sure to get plenty of fresh air and rest, keep hydrated and eat your spinach. x

Wonder how long it takes. I'd be calmer if I had the option to wait a month (after Christmas)

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

When my SN came my thoughts were: "what the f*ck am i doing?" "This is sick". I couldn't believe it was becoming a reality. I put it in the drawer for when the right time comes. I didn't tested it yet but according to the seller is 99% pure.

 

[heylightiforgot]

When my SN came my thoughts were: "what the f*ck am i doing?" "This is sick". I couldn't believe it was becoming a reality. I put it in the drawer for when the right time comes. I didn't tested it yet but according to the seller is 99% pure.

Yeah I feel dysphoria and disgust when I look at it

 

[2Min2Midnight]

So my SN came through the post about 10 minutes ago, and within those 10 minutes my mind has just been completely blank, it's finally coming full circle and starting to become reality & quite frankly it's terrifying, knowing I have the power in my hands to CTB. It's a very overwhelming situation right now
Any kind words or advice would be appreciated to help me over this.
(I'm not planning on CTB right now just need help with this current feeling)

Try to take solace in the fact that the compound you have received in the mail gives you a much greater measure of control over your life, if your suffering becomes too much to endure you now have a way to opt out on your own terms.

 

[LMLN]

So my SN came through the post about 10 minutes ago, and within those 10 minutes my mind has just been completely blank, it's finally coming full circle and starting to become reality & quite frankly it's terrifying, knowing I have the power in my hands to CTB. It's a very overwhelming situation right now
Any kind words or advice would be appreciated to help me over this.
(I'm not planning on CTB right now just need help with this current feeling)

I think if you feel uncomfortable in any way, just put it aside somewhere and put it out of your mind. That's ok. It's there if you want to use it someday, but if you never do that's ok too.
When I received mine I felt relief and peace knowing I have it here when I'm ready. Just looking at it calms me down.
We are all in different places and that's ok. ❤

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I think if you feel uncomfortable in any way, just put it aside somewhere and put it out of your mind. That's ok. It's there if you want to use it someday, but if you never do that's ok too.
When I received mine I felt relief and peace knowing I have it here when I'm ready. Just looking at it calms me down.
We are all in different places and that's ok. ❤

I do the same. Sometimes I look at the sn bag before going to sleep and think. I feel comfortable that it's a way out.

 

[SawItOnce]

I think if you feel uncomfortable in any way, just put it aside somewhere and put it out of your mind. That's ok. It's there if you want to use it someday, but if you never do that's ok too.
When I received mine I felt relief and peace knowing I have it here when I'm ready. Just looking at it calms me down.
We are all in different places and that's ok. ❤

This...
Also, could the feelings that you have stem from the fact that maybe you don't want to have such control over your life/death? It's ok to not want that control. You can refuse it. You can treat the sn bottle like just another random object cluttering the drawer.
If later you'll feel the need to go, you can take that control back.

 

[PurpleBlack]

I can def imagine, weird how a jar of powder can hold such power. If you don't mind me asking, how'd you get a hold of it?