Venting SN CTB soon

[seasons4changing]

My SN was ordered and sitting at "released from customs " 3 days ago so it's on its way. I just got my meto (Reglan) from an online pharmacy. Things are feeling surreal . I been feeling like I been asleep for years. The multiple antidepressants ruined me. My OCD is non stop wanting me to CTB. I used to feel sad about CTB now I'm just waiting to get everything. Every night my bf cuddles me and says how lucky he is to have me…I know he will be devastated when I depart. But I have too. I feel selfish holding him back in life because I know I'm a dead weight whether he says it or not. Everything feels unreal and I'm in a mental prison and tired and can't go on. I plan on getting a hotel to CTB. I am hoping my psych gives me benzodiazepines tomorrow we shall see. I was going to wait until the new year to CTB but idk if I can wait that long. I need to go asap to end this nightmare