Fadeawaaaay
Visionary
- Nov 12, 2021
- 2,160
I am gradually debilitating myself in every way. Avoiding the dentist letting my teeth rot. Laying in bed all day so now my walking has been reduced to a shuffle. Dissecting my lifetime of errors so my brain has slowed. My memory is gone. When I speak it's just dry and empty, a mumble, my voice barely audible.
Credit card bills piling up. Texts and phone calls unanswered.
Walls closing in. Doom approaching. All the relationships I've built across my lifetime crumbling.
What must people think? That something broke. That Ive spiralled into some dark hole. The smile and humor I once had gone. A darkness surrounding me now. Creepy and scary to younger people who are rather disgusted.
And no escape. What led me here started decades ago in adolescence. Fear. Incompetence. A mix of deep insecurity and superiority.
A foolish faith that one day my calling would call to me and everything would work out. I would reach a state of mental health. I would establish Financial security. I would meet a wonderful female and start a family. I would finally achieve an exciting and adventurous life. All of that would happen someday when I finally got my shit together.
But the future eventually arrived and everything collapsed. That's what happens when you put everything off until the future. Things actually get more difficult.
I realized the dream was not going to happen. That vague sense that everything was going to be OK had been a lie. I had been gaslighting myself for decades. That strange look that people gave me. Those offhand comments people had made. Those warnings they had made. That I had chosen to ignore. Those people had been right all along. The fear and concern in their eyes had been warranted. Those women had broken up with me because they could see there was something off. And I had known deep down something WAS wrong but I had pretended it wasn't happening. Made myself feel better by living well. Now all of that false hope has disappeared.
I'm still living a lie somehow believing I can sustain this way of life even though the numbers don't add up. The magical thinking is more magical than ever… In the back of my mind hoping that the sun wont rise in the morning… if I don't read my emails they don't exist… That those credit card bills aren't there….
I guess this is what happens when you live your life in a state of disconnection and disassociation…
But reality is stubborn… It's there whether you like it or not…
It's too late to fix anything… Only thing I can do is close my eyes and try to sleep some more… Dreaming is my only escape…
I have isolated myself so I don't really talk to anybody in real life and if I did I would never share my thoughts… It just freaks people out and makes them want to save me but there's nothing they can do so when people ask me how I am I tell them "I'm good" Which must be very confusing because it's clearly not true…
Nobody who is good Sleeps all day and avoids communication…
Not sure why I wrote all this… Maybe just a chance to communicate with other human beings… Maybe someone can relate… Thanks for reading…
Credit card bills piling up. Texts and phone calls unanswered.
Walls closing in. Doom approaching. All the relationships I've built across my lifetime crumbling.
What must people think? That something broke. That Ive spiralled into some dark hole. The smile and humor I once had gone. A darkness surrounding me now. Creepy and scary to younger people who are rather disgusted.
And no escape. What led me here started decades ago in adolescence. Fear. Incompetence. A mix of deep insecurity and superiority.
A foolish faith that one day my calling would call to me and everything would work out. I would reach a state of mental health. I would establish Financial security. I would meet a wonderful female and start a family. I would finally achieve an exciting and adventurous life. All of that would happen someday when I finally got my shit together.
But the future eventually arrived and everything collapsed. That's what happens when you put everything off until the future. Things actually get more difficult.
I realized the dream was not going to happen. That vague sense that everything was going to be OK had been a lie. I had been gaslighting myself for decades. That strange look that people gave me. Those offhand comments people had made. Those warnings they had made. That I had chosen to ignore. Those people had been right all along. The fear and concern in their eyes had been warranted. Those women had broken up with me because they could see there was something off. And I had known deep down something WAS wrong but I had pretended it wasn't happening. Made myself feel better by living well. Now all of that false hope has disappeared.
I'm still living a lie somehow believing I can sustain this way of life even though the numbers don't add up. The magical thinking is more magical than ever… In the back of my mind hoping that the sun wont rise in the morning… if I don't read my emails they don't exist… That those credit card bills aren't there….
I guess this is what happens when you live your life in a state of disconnection and disassociation…
But reality is stubborn… It's there whether you like it or not…
It's too late to fix anything… Only thing I can do is close my eyes and try to sleep some more… Dreaming is my only escape…
I have isolated myself so I don't really talk to anybody in real life and if I did I would never share my thoughts… It just freaks people out and makes them want to save me but there's nothing they can do so when people ask me how I am I tell them "I'm good" Which must be very confusing because it's clearly not true…
Nobody who is good Sleeps all day and avoids communication…
Not sure why I wrote all this… Maybe just a chance to communicate with other human beings… Maybe someone can relate… Thanks for reading…
