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wait i'm goated
- Feb 12, 2023
- 368
i can't stay here much longer and i have no reason to either. the only peace in my life doesn't actually exist, it's just what occurs in fleeting fantasies that make me even sadder. i think i've tried my best, so i don't have many regrets in that regard. if you try your best and persevere, but still just get worse and worse, then maybe that's a sign to give up. i'm really tired. i really struggle, but still try my best to do things that will make my life better. i did everything that was recommended. i tried to find new passions and reignite old ones, i felt nothing but boredom and hurt. i focus on improving my physical health, my mental health remains just as shitty. i create new goals, but feel nothing after achieving them. i do good things for other people and give to different causes, i feel absolutely nothing. i go outside, i have a job, i look for things to be grateful for—i'm just as miserable.
loneliness was always a big issue for me. i made a whole thread about it very recently, so i won't yap about it too much. i've spent most of my life trying to combat that loneliness, and after everything, it's left me significantly worse and traumatized in the end, to the point where i cant go a day without having multiple anxiety attacks and i've become extremely paranoid. i really enjoyed talking to people, even strangers; my anxiety and paranoia doesn't really allow that anymore. i'm sure most of the people i work with think i'm a tweaker now, but i don't really mind. i'd probably think the same thing after talking to someone like me. i go through every interaction like i'm malfunctioning or something, and i know it's extremely strange and off-putting.
i reread old books quite often. they don't make me feel better at all, but they reaffirm my thoughts and experiences in a way. i recently reread Nausea by Sartre, it's the first philosophical novel i've read and i still resonate with it deeply, especially now. i guess i could say that it brought me comfort today, but not in a way that made me feel any better. the novel is extremely popular, but i recommend it to anyone who hasn't gotten around to reading it. i think many others will resonate with it as well.
wiki summary:
i think i'm genuinely beyond any help or fixing. whenever i vent to others, i have an unrealistic ideal in the back of my mind. i always hope that some all-knowing person will be able to give me some answer or perspective that will change everything. obviously, that never happens. it's a lot worse. i can get the most pro-life people to agree that death is my only option, all by just venting about my situation. it's honestly hard for me to hear people agree that dying is my best option, but i know it's the truth. each time, i just hope that someone will push me to stay (either because they genuinely want me to stay or because they genuinely believe that i can find that peace). honestly, it never happens. i guess i'm glad they support my decision, i don't know.
opioids are so expensive. even the weaker shit is hundreds of dollars. i might just buy them anyway; what do i have to lose? it's not like i have anything to save up for. opioid ctb sounds nice, it's not as tedious or agonizing. i still greatly fear a failed attempt, i still don't know what to do about that. i hate not being able to predict my own actions. i feel like i lack control over myself and that makes me sick. with the way my days have been going and how close i come each time, i'll very likely end up impulsively hanging or drinking sn with no prep or protocol. if this happens, there's a very high chance i'll be found soon after and i can only hope that i'll be completely dead before something like that happens. i don't like the thought of this scenario, but it's a scenario i come very close to entering every single night. i've been talked down by strangers a few times, but they won't always be there and they won't always be as convincing.
until i finally do it, i'll still hold out for a miracle. it's not necessarily impossible, but it won't happen. i'll still hold out anyway, there's nothing else i can really do. every attempt at improvement fumbles and leaves me more hurt, so waiting on something else is my only option for possibly living.
loneliness was always a big issue for me. i made a whole thread about it very recently, so i won't yap about it too much. i've spent most of my life trying to combat that loneliness, and after everything, it's left me significantly worse and traumatized in the end, to the point where i cant go a day without having multiple anxiety attacks and i've become extremely paranoid. i really enjoyed talking to people, even strangers; my anxiety and paranoia doesn't really allow that anymore. i'm sure most of the people i work with think i'm a tweaker now, but i don't really mind. i'd probably think the same thing after talking to someone like me. i go through every interaction like i'm malfunctioning or something, and i know it's extremely strange and off-putting.
i reread old books quite often. they don't make me feel better at all, but they reaffirm my thoughts and experiences in a way. i recently reread Nausea by Sartre, it's the first philosophical novel i've read and i still resonate with it deeply, especially now. i guess i could say that it brought me comfort today, but not in a way that made me feel any better. the novel is extremely popular, but i recommend it to anyone who hasn't gotten around to reading it. i think many others will resonate with it as well.
wiki summary:
i think i'm genuinely beyond any help or fixing. whenever i vent to others, i have an unrealistic ideal in the back of my mind. i always hope that some all-knowing person will be able to give me some answer or perspective that will change everything. obviously, that never happens. it's a lot worse. i can get the most pro-life people to agree that death is my only option, all by just venting about my situation. it's honestly hard for me to hear people agree that dying is my best option, but i know it's the truth. each time, i just hope that someone will push me to stay (either because they genuinely want me to stay or because they genuinely believe that i can find that peace). honestly, it never happens. i guess i'm glad they support my decision, i don't know.
opioids are so expensive. even the weaker shit is hundreds of dollars. i might just buy them anyway; what do i have to lose? it's not like i have anything to save up for. opioid ctb sounds nice, it's not as tedious or agonizing. i still greatly fear a failed attempt, i still don't know what to do about that. i hate not being able to predict my own actions. i feel like i lack control over myself and that makes me sick. with the way my days have been going and how close i come each time, i'll very likely end up impulsively hanging or drinking sn with no prep or protocol. if this happens, there's a very high chance i'll be found soon after and i can only hope that i'll be completely dead before something like that happens. i don't like the thought of this scenario, but it's a scenario i come very close to entering every single night. i've been talked down by strangers a few times, but they won't always be there and they won't always be as convincing.
until i finally do it, i'll still hold out for a miracle. it's not necessarily impossible, but it won't happen. i'll still hold out anyway, there's nothing else i can really do. every attempt at improvement fumbles and leaves me more hurt, so waiting on something else is my only option for possibly living.
