Venting Sleeping & detached.

[Livingvsdying25]

My throat (on the inside) feels a lot better. Im too scared to touch the bumpy or whatever area on the outside. That nay or may not have triggered it the last 2 times & I ain't testing it.


I was able to eat yesterday extreme pain... got a 2 for 1 deal on korean corn dogs. So that was nice tbh.

For some reason maybe when sleeping in a weird way my middle finger really hurts. I gotta be honest my hands have been hurting a lot more lately. Which annoyingly is something I have remembered and had to tell my doctor a few times and basically demand an xray. So blood work then an xray but im scared to lose the ability to use my hands or need stilts & steroid shots or smthin.... I doubt steriod shots are covered by government but who knows. Being an artist it makes me feel... depressed. Among some other feelings.


Today I am stilll isolating and just sleeping. My brother called like 4 times and I finally texted him saying I'm sick & sleeping & will talk to him later.


I haven't eaten today & plan to go back to sleep & mayne eat later but hollyyyyyy a lil annoyed... can I not get a day where I just don't interact without concern or having to check in. I'm a fucking adult. Living alone. No one cared much before so I don't feel like being on some informal weird suicide watch or whatever.


I find interacting with people ik well rn very very triggering bc of the PMDD and shit. So keeping my distance yesterday and today so far has made me feel A LOT better than I have in awhile. So. Even sending a text or whatever is too much.


I need the complete detachment. It doesn't feel lonely it feels like reconnecting with myself without the fucking invasion of horrible emotional flashbacks.


Fucking SICK of the emotional flashbacks honestly. It feels awful to do good things and have my own inner critic destroy me after. Over and Over. Constantly fighting it. I'm tired now I don't wanna be fighting to live. Its fucking exhausting.

Another thing that no one outside of SaSu understands tbh. The amount of emotional pain I have to deal with to live.

So yeah rest of this week is just spent to myself. I also needa decide if ima kill myself. Bc I'm still looking at that & I needa think about it for myself not for anyone else for a bit. Sounds selfish but honestly I'm sorry im not gonna live just on the basis of not hurting others when most don't give a shit about me on a day to day basis. Most people only enjoy me when im happy & healthy & I'm not anymore.

So yeah. Just UGH interpersonal stuff is the basis of all of my trauma so i just really need that space from it rn. Its so frustrating but that's what it is. Especially close/long standing interpersonal relationships.



Soooo anyway. I didn't even need to respond to my brother like again I used to have the hypersomnia days and not respond but I was like okkk this is the third time he's called lemme jus text him but its triggered me a lil hence this vent.

I don't have the energy nor the care to care if anyone even understands wtf I am talking about to explain the triggers & trauma & all that. Im tired of explaining to half deaf ears or people that can't be fucking bothered to google anything. No one actually understands my pain and ya kno what good for yall ig but this CPTSD is killing me.


Anyway I'm still sick, haven't eaten, PMDD and all that so in just extra sensitive rn & easily annoyed.

Might order the 2 for 1 Korean corn dogs again today

But later bc I am going back to sleep now and either today or tmrw looking at selling my guitar at a local, in person store.


tired though and jus needed to vent. I hate CPTSD but I am enjoying not feeling like a complete worthless bag of shit for this last day or so.

later y'all this is the only space rn that I don't find extremely triggering interpersonal wise. Gonna go back to my space documentaries and sleeping

My throat (on the inside) feels a lot better. Im too scared to touch the bumpy or whatever area on the outside. That nay or may not have triggered it the last 2 times & I ain't testing it.


I was able to eat yesterday extreme pain... got a 2 for 1 deal on korean corn dogs. So that was nice tbh.

For some reason maybe when sleeping in a weird way my middle finger really hurts. I gotta be honest my hands have been hurting a lot more lately. Which annoyingly is something I have remembered and had to tell my doctor a few times and basically demand an xray. So blood work then an xray but im scared to lose the ability to use my hands or need stilts & steroid shots or smthin.... I doubt steriod shots are covered by government but who knows. Being an artist it makes me feel... depressed. Among some other feelings.


Today I am stilll isolating and just sleeping. My brother called like 4 times and I finally texted him saying I'm sick & sleeping & will talk to him later.


I haven't eaten today & plan to go back to sleep & mayne eat later but hollyyyyyy a lil annoyed... can I not get a day where I just don't interact without concern or having to check in. I'm a fucking adult. Living alone. No one cared much before so I don't feel like being on some informal weird suicide watch or whatever.


I find interacting with people ik well rn very very triggering bc of the PMDD and shit. So keeping my distance yesterday and today so far has made me feel A LOT better than I have in awhile. So. Even sending a text or whatever is too much.


I need the complete detachment. It doesn't feel lonely it feels like reconnecting with myself without the fucking invasion of horrible emotional flashbacks.


Fucking SICK of the emotional flashbacks honestly. It feels awful to do good things and have my own inner critic destroy me after. Over and Over. Constantly fighting it. I'm tired now I don't wanna be fighting to live. Its fucking exhausting.

Another thing that no one outside of SaSu understands tbh. The amount of emotional pain I have to deal with to live.

So yeah rest of this week is just spent to myself. I also needa decide if ima kill myself. Bc I'm still looking at that & I needa think about it for myself not for anyone else for a bit. Sounds selfish but honestly I'm sorry im not gonna live just on the basis of not hurting others when most don't give a shit about me on a day to day basis. Most people only enjoy me when im happy & healthy & I'm not anymore.

So yeah. Just UGH interpersonal stuff is the basis of all of my trauma so i just really need that space from it rn. Its so frustrating but that's what it is. Especially close/long standing interpersonal relationships.



Soooo anyway. I didn't even need to respond to my brother like again I used to have the hypersomnia days and not respond but I was like okkk this is the third time he's called lemme jus text him but its triggered me a lil hence this vent.

I don't have the energy nor the care to care if anyone even understands wtf I am talking about to explain the triggers & trauma & all that. Im tired of explaining to half deaf ears or people that can't be fucking bothered to google anything. No one actually understands my pain and ya kno what good for yall ig but this CPTSD is killing me.


Anyway I'm still sick, haven't eaten, PMDD and all that so in just extra sensitive rn & easily annoyed.

Might order the 2 for 1 Korean corn dogs again today

But later bc I am going back to sleep now and either today or tmrw looking at selling my guitar at a local, in person store.


tired though and jus needed to vent. I hate CPTSD but I am enjoying not feeling like a complete worthless bag of shit for this last day or so.

later y'all this is the only space rn that I don't find extremely triggering interpersonal wise. Gonna go back to my space documentaries and sleeping

Arghhhh miscalculated some goverment fund things/dates in my head and had to ask my friend to send me some things from the gofundme campaign which is VERYYY triggering so I'm awake now ffs.





These days my triggered self is like hyperaroused and in desperate need of like moving my body or getting it out somehow. Which can lead to me over extendeding myself even if physically I feel like shit. Which could've been yesterday's trigger regarding my throat or whatever but holyyyyyy its annoying as hell.

Soo now I needa find a way to gently but properly get some of this outta me or I'm gonna basically be fighting intrusive thoughts soon. OR see if my brain can get into an anime. I don't think im triggered that bad but my mind could really go into the places of thinking about aspects of my relationships but nopee not going there & im very tired body wise.



Was hoping the capsules I ordered would've shipped by now but nopppeee. So hopefully they ship today and come tmrw or Sunday.

I'm not that triggered or whatever but self feeling the buzzin within my body.

So ima take the lil bit of capsules I have left, a gummy and maybe eat something. While watching anime.

Or ima try to shower orrrr ima dig through some clothes I haven't worn in like 2 yrs to wash em and see what fits.

Something/anything that makes it so I'm not drowning in emotional flash backs and shit.

Fucking sick of the CPTSD shit. I do the most in regards to learning about it and supporting myself through different things in life but I'm just now and barly figuring out wtf works for me.


URGH. Its like people with panic attack disorder eventually fearing the panic attacks so much they cause panic attacks.

The emotional flashbacks have been that fucking bad as of late. But well at least I "checked in" and also let my discord buddy kno too. So I'm probs gonna isolate into next week as well.

Sighhhsss took capsules & ate a gummy. Gonna watch anime & wait to get sleepy again/if I do. I think the most I feel like doing is a shower rn. Sooo maybe that. Not too too triggered but the real test is tryna engage in fun/leisure so here's to hoping my brain doesn't try to fucking kill me while I watch anime.

Its horrible not being able to enjoy things naturally. I don't wanna fight my brain hence the need to isolate for awhile.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

My throat (on the inside) feels a lot better. Im too scared to touch the bumpy or whatever area on the outside. That nay or may not have triggered it the last 2 times & I ain't testing it.


I was able to eat yesterday without extreme pain... got a 2 for 1 deal on korean corn dogs. So that was nice tbh.

For some reason maybe when sleeping in a weird way my middle finger really hurts. I gotta be honest my hands have been hurting a lot more lately. Which annoyingly is something I have remembered and had to tell my doctor a few times and basically demand an xray. So blood work then an xray but im scared to lose the ability to use my hands or need stilts & steroid shots or smthin.... I doubt steriod shots are covered by government but who knows. Being an artist it makes me feel... depressed. Among some other feelings.


Today I am stilll isolating and just sleeping. My brother called like 4 times and I finally texted him saying I'm sick & sleeping & will talk to him later.


I haven't eaten today & plan to go back to sleep & mayne eat later but hollyyyyyy a lil annoyed... can I not get a day where I just don't interact without concern or having to check in. I'm a fucking adult. Living alone. No one cared much before so I don't feel like being on some informal weird suicide watch or whatever.


I find interacting with people ik well rn very very triggering bc of the PMDD and shit. So keeping my distance yesterday and today so far has made me feel A LOT better than I have in awhile. So. Even sending a text or whatever is too much.


I need the complete detachment. It doesn't feel lonely it feels like reconnecting with myself without the fucking invasion of horrible emotional flashbacks.


Fucking SICK of the emotional flashbacks honestly. It feels awful to do good things and have my own inner critic destroy me after. Over and Over. Constantly fighting it. I'm tired now I don't wanna be fighting to live. Its fucking exhausting.

Another thing that no one outside of SaSu understands tbh. The amount of emotional pain I have to deal with to live.

So yeah rest of this week is just spent to myself. I also needa decide if ima kill myself. Bc I'm still looking at that & I needa think about it for myself not for anyone else for a bit. Sounds selfish but honestly I'm sorry im not gonna live just on the basis of not hurting others when most don't give a shit about me on a day to day basis. Most people only enjoy me when im happy & healthy & I'm not anymore.

So yeah. Just UGH interpersonal stuff is the basis of all of my trauma so i just really need that space from it rn. Its so frustrating but that's what it is. Especially close/long standing interpersonal relationships.



Soooo anyway. I didn't even need to respond to my brother like again I used to have the hypersomnia days and not respond but I was like okkk this is the third time he's called lemme jus text him but its triggered me a lil hence this vent.

I don't have the energy nor the care to care if anyone even understands wtf I am talking about to explain the triggers & trauma & all that. Im tired of explaining to half deaf ears or people that can't be fucking bothered to google anything. No one actually understands my pain and ya kno what good for yall ig but this CPTSD is killing me.


Anyway I'm still sick, haven't eaten, PMDD and all that so in just extra sensitive rn & easily annoyed.

Might order the 2 for 1 Korean corn dogs again today

But later bc I am going back to sleep now and either today or tmrw looking at selling my guitar at a local, in person store.


tired though and jus needed to vent. I hate CPTSD but I am enjoying not feeling like a complete worthless bag of shit for this last day or so.

later y'all this is the only space rn that I don't find extremely triggering interpersonal wise. Gonna go back to my space documentaries and sleeping



Arghhhh miscalculated some goverment fund things/dates in my head and had to ask my friend to send me some things from the gofundme campaign which is VERYYY triggering so I'm awake now ffs.





These days my triggered self is like hyperaroused and in desperate need of like moving my body or getting it out somehow. Which can lead to me over extendeding myself even if physically I feel like shit. Which could've been yesterday's trigger regarding my throat or whatever but holyyyyyy its annoying as hell.

Soo now I needa find a way to gently but properly get some of this outta me or I'm gonna basically be fighting intrusive thoughts soon. OR see if my brain can get into an anime. I don't think im triggered that bad but my mind could really go into the places of thinking about aspects of my relationships but nopee not going there & im very tired body wise.



Was hoping the capsules I ordered would've shipped by now but nopppeee. So hopefully they ship today and come tmrw or Sunday.

I'm not that triggered or whatever but self feeling the buzzin within my body.

So ima take the lil bit of capsules I have left, a gummy and maybe eat something. While watching anime.

Or ima try to shower orrrr ima dig through some clothes I haven't worn in like 2 yrs to wash em and see what fits.

Something/anything that makes it so I'm not drowning in emotional flash backs and shit.

Fucking sick of the CPTSD shit. I do the most in regards to learning about it and supporting myself through different things in life but I'm just now and barly figuring out wtf works for me.


URGH. Its like people with panic attack disorder eventually fearing the panic attacks so much they cause panic attacks.

The emotional flashbacks have been that fucking bad as of late. But well at least I "checked in" and also let my discord buddy kno too. So I'm probs gonna isolate into next week as well.

Sighhhsss took capsules & ate a gummy. Gonna watch anime & wait to get sleepy again/if I do. I think the most I feel like doing is a shower rn. Sooo maybe that. Not too too triggered but the real test is tryna engage in fun/leisure so here's to hoping my brain doesn't try to fucking kill me while I watch anime.

Its horrible not being able to enjoy things naturally. I don't wanna fight my brain hence the need to isolate for awhile.

Ate the gummy & capsules. Ordered 2 for 1 deal. Def pretty damn sleepy rn but like woahh def sick/ body needs a level of rest. Wiping off crumbs off my bed left me winded.

Feeling relaxed & gonna continue isolation. Might not be on here for a few days as well. Complete solitude used to scare me or make my uncomfortable for various trauma related reasons that I don't want to get into rn. It doesn't as much anymore probs bc I have great connections so ik I'm not alone but just like 2 months ago when my nervous system fractured (how my therapist put it) I need to be alone for at the least a few more days but maybe a week or so. Jus needa really keep my activity level low & actually rest. No triggers. No emotional flashbacks just... relaxed for onver

Even now there are lil pokes in my head & inner critic attacks/ questions. Just from the lil bit of interactions today. Ffsssss.my brain will forget/it'll pass over soon enough and it isnt heavy enough to like fuck with my sleep buttt yeee I feel it and I'm going to go back to just not engaging with it. Or needing to deal.

Later y'all ttys / when I can