Story Sister trouble and humor changes

[Dominik Santorski]

Hello, Dominik here one more time. I've come to vent a bit.

I just hate being here in this world, I Dont wanna feel more pain
I like to listen to this song... "Bohemian rhapsody", specially that part when Freddie sings "I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all", I Just listen to that part and is like... My Heart starts bumping fast.

Mama, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on
As if nothing really matters ​

And I... I really dont like my sister, Im afraid of her, even if she hasn't yelled or insulted me in years, she said se has changed, but thats bullshit, shes still being the same egoist, inconsiderate and idiot. Well, yes, she has changed for the better, but... She still hasn't changed at all.
A couple of weeks ago I told her how I felt about her, what she had done to me, how she mistreated me. I told her that I wanted to go live somewhere else because my house is hell for me, She asked me not to leave because I am the only person she has a bit of appreciation for, and I agreed to stay. We talk and in the end we hug.
I complained to her for everything she did to me in the past and she replied that she could no longer change it, and I told her "You never asked me for forgiveness", and then she said "Sorry, I Dont want it to sound or be forced, but sorry"

Why...?, why?? Why? Why??? Why? Why????? Why?!?!?
WHY?!

Why do I have to forgive her?! Why do I have to stay living in hell just for her?! Why I have to accept and forgive, but All those times I asked her for forgiveness she never gave it to me or got mad at me for asking her forgiveness!?!?!?
Im Just... Really angry and sad, that I want to explode.

A few years ago she threatened to hit me, and sometimes I like to imagine that she threats me again and I tell her to do it, to hit me, hang me to death and remove my intestines if she wants, because if she kills me, then I don't have to kill myself. This feelings are Gross as hell, but I cant make it stop.
Everything is relaxed and calm, but suddenly, the smallest thing happens, a simple look of anger or speaks to me with a tone of voice more serious than normal and everything starts falling apart cause I know her really well and I know perfectly the little changes in her attitude when she gets angry, and when that happens I Dont stop thinking in suicide, and I cant stop thinking in how much I hate her, even if I know perfectly that I dont really hate her.

I wonder if she's been one of the reasons I have so many suicidal thoughts, and if its really her fault, saying is her entire fault is unfair, egoist and stupid. Maybe this panic disorder is overtaking me or my medicine isnt enough.

Anyways, in the course of writing this I have calmed down. I still feel like garbage, but I will continue here breathing until I finish what I have pending.
Thanks for Reading, guys. Honestly, this site it's one of the best things that has happened to me in the last few days, I feel as if I Were not alone.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

forgiveness is for you, not the other person. you don't have to forgive her if it won't do anything for you.

even if she's "changed", that doesn't undo the damage she's done. even if she wants you to stay, you're under no obligation to stay, especially if that environment is affecting you in such a way.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I have a sister like that. She always blames me for her behavior. A week ago, I realized she is just a mean, selfish, lying, manipulative person and will not change. She is the reason I bought my first gun. I blocked her on my phone.

Unfortunately, my phone (POS), doesn't truly block. It just doesn't ring. Last night, I saw a voice mail, dialed into it, and it was her. "We need to talk." No, we don't. I know how that will go, just like so many times before. First, she will act angry and blame me. Then she will cry and say how we must all stick together as a family. No. No no no. Because she will do it again! And if I stay around, I will have to go through it all over again.

No. I am all done with that. The good thing is that we live about 1500 miles apart. You have my deepest sympathy.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Unfortunately, my phone (POS), doesn't truly block. It just doesn't ring.

cant speak for sure as idk about apple or what kind of phone you have but with android you can install an app to take care of that for you. my husband has one for scammers/telemarketer type numbers.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Thank you, I didn't know that. I will confess I haven't added any apps to it, have deleted most of what came on it, out of paranoia of being followed and spied on.

Maybe I will check into that.