Significant Others

[TrevorLahey]

Hey everyone, I'm new here, first post.
I've had suicide on my mind daily for really as long as I can remember. Even when I was fairly young and had relatively little to complain about, it was there. Over the years my depression has gotten worse and for the past year or so I've really been in constant pain, like every time I think "I can't feel shittier than this" hey presto, here's a new low. I tend to think of myself as a jumper, the finality of it is appealing to me; once you leap, no one can save you, and if only for a brief moment you can fly. But here's my catch: I have a wife, she's sweet, and wonderful and kind and she deserves so much. She's good to me, but it's just not enough, nothing is and nothing ever has been enough to stop my pain. She knows I struggle, and it wouldn't necessarily be a surprise to her if one day I CTB, but I wonder constantly: those of you who have or have had significant others, how do you reconcile that pain? I know she'd find something meaningful, and she'd get through life, in the long run probably better off without me dragging her down. I don't want her to have to find me, so I often fantasize about just leaving early in the morning one day, leaving a note, and CTB somewhere where no one close to me would have to discover it. Who else here has a similar situation or knows of someone who does?

Sorry to ramble, I appreciate you reading this.

 

[catmom13]

I'm in the same boat. I'm engaged. He's the kindest man I have ever met. For the past few years I thought that if I go, he *should* be able to find someone new fairly easily. I plan to have a detailed note for him to at least give him closure, and make sure to CTB somewhere I would be discovered by people I'm not related to(hopefully LE if I call in ahead). The discovery portion is the part I'm having trouble planning. I want to be discovered so effort won't be wasted in a search, but not too soon that I get *saved*.

I don't know what else to do other than that. It's not perfect, it's not painless, but it saves them from the trauma of discovery and provides some closure via the note.

 

[warinmymind]

Hello friend, I can relate. I have a kind normal Husband, he also knows I struggle but at the same time I'm not sure if he can -truly- understand because he does not suffer from the same mental illnesses and trauma as me. It seems a bit frightening to him so we just sort of don't acknowledge it though I have told him I am suicidal. I don't want to be a burden on him, a useless person but I would also never want to cause him the pain of finding me. I also dream of leaving in the night after he's asleep to CTB. I dream of him meeting a normal woman like him and being happy, it's a bittersweet feeling.

As for your question on how to reconcile the pain, it depends. Because I feel like somehow sometimes you can go on living for that special person in your life but at the same time sometimes you feel too damaged and the pain of dragging them down might become too much. Enough to cause you to end it. I think you have alot of soul searching and time left friend. There is always another day ahead and no rush to the end x