Venting Sigh

[BitterlyAlive_]

Seems like as time goes on, I wake up feeling more and more suicidal. I take my meds. Then I do whatever I feel like doing. Usually I just lay on my couch and stare. Sometimes I check in on here. Sometimes I message friends. If I'm 'lucky', I can actually cry a bit. It doesn't help, but hey. After a couple hours, I can finally try to get up, do a few chores. I go back to my couch because my brain is rotting and I simply have no desire to actually do anything. Then the rest of the day runs like my mornings. If I'm lucky, I can get out and go for a drive. I don't want to be around people and food is nauseating, so I skip meals. Everything just feels fucking awful.

When I feel like this, especially if I get agitated, I usually have very strong urges to self harm as well. The urges are so strong that it hurts. It takes me back to the times I actually went to hang out with friends to try and distract myself. Lol. I don't really hang out with people anymore. Hardly talk to my irl friends, just can't be bothered. I'm simply not interested, and it hurts to talk to them. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone at all, because it just fucking hurts to try and engage with anyone.

There's more that bugs me but I don't feel like trying to articulate it. I don't know if this made sense, I hardly know why I wrote it. Just wanna get shit out I guess.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I feel a lot like this, minus the self harm.
Depression has just taken everything out of me.
I can manage to go to work on weekdays, but on weekends I can't do anything.
Can't wash dishes, can't do laundry, can't take the garbage out, can't shower or shave... I can't find motivation to do anything. I just don't care about anything.

I don't have any advice, just saying I'm in a similar boat.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I feel a lot like this, minus the self harm.
Depression has just taken everything out of me.
I can manage to go to work on weekdays, but on weekends I can't do anything.
Can't wash dishes, can't do laundry, can't take the garbage out, can't shower or shave... I can't find motivation to do anything. I just don't care about anything.

I don't have any advice, just saying I'm in a similar boat.

I know you have similar struggles, and I'm so sorry.... I guess my hygiene is one of my biggest embarrassments about this. Just like my irl friends, I just...can't bd bothered. If I'm hanging out with a friend for a while or going shopping, I may clean up a bit. But even that's just getting worse. Showering is by far the worst, I can't stand being naked, seeing myself, going through all of the motions. Used to spot-clean with baby wipes or a towel with warm water/body wash. Can't even be bothered to do that anymore. It's disgusting and pathetic.

I was hoping to meet a friend and hang out with them for a few days. It would have hopefully pushed me to actually do some shit. But things didn't work out.

This is so frustrating because I feel like I'm going against my values. I've told people before: when my actions don't align with my values, I feel evil and like I deserve punishment.

...sigh. Sorry @Good4Nothing I just talked way too much. Maybe we could message each other our daily/weekly plans, see if that helps us?

 

[summers]

@BitterlyAlive_ for me, I find the more I take care of myself, hygiene-wise, the better I feel. I don't have a problem with showering, brushing teeth - I'm talking more shaving, tanning, haircuts, etc.

I try to go tanning every day. If I skip more than one day, I feel off. Same with shaving - I do my whole body. I try to shave weekly, more than two weeks, again just doesn't feel right. I don't like facial hair, but I can't shave every day because it will irritate my skin. So that's every other day.

Do things enough, and they just become a habit. Like I can't leave my house without making my bed.

Sorry, I know that sounds like a self-help book. I'm just trying to share what works for me.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

@BitterlyAlive_ for me, I find the more I take care of myself, hygiene-wise, the better I feel. I don't have a problem with showering, brushing teeth - I'm talking more shaving, tanning, haircuts, etc.

I try to go tanning every day. If I skip more than one day, I feel off. Same with shaving - I do my whole body. I try to shave weekly, more than two weeks, again just doesn't feel right. I don't like facial hair, but I can't shave every day because it will irritate my skin. So that's every other day.

Do things enough, and they just become a habit. Like I can't leave my house without making my bed.

Sorry, I know that sounds like a self-help book. I'm just trying to share what works for me.

Doesn't sound like a self-help book. Sounds like you built some good habits.