Venting Sick of feeling unstable.

[purgedXO]

I haven't even been diagnosed with bipolar, but it's what my psychiatrist suspects I am dealing with. Bipolar 2, if I had to guess, since I don't experience full blown mania. I don't know. I don't really care what I'm dealing with anymore, I just want to be okay. I don't want to be hypomanic, if that's what I'm experiencing, I don't want to be depressed, I just want to feel stable.

I just want interests again. I want hobbies again. I want to be myself again, I want to have an actual personality again. Goals and ambitions. I want to want to do something with my life. My psychiatrist put me on lamictal. Started at 25 mg, and slowly moving up. Two weeks with 25 mg, two weeks with 50 mg, two weeks with 100 mg, and then my follow up appointment with her. She warned me that I wouldn't notice much of a difference until I got to 100 mg, and by then, I should notice a difference.

I just started 50 mg. I'm tired of waiting. So far, these are just pills that knock me out after I take them. That's it, and to be expected. I didn't expect to take the first low ass dose of this and magically, I'm cured. I'm stable. I'm all better now! It just feels like time is dragging. I already had a hypomanic episode, maybe? I don't even know anymore. Normally they're either super pleasant, elevated mood, elevated energy, I might be everywhere all the time and unable to focus on one thing at a time, overspending, racing thoughts, more confidence, pressured speech, etc. Or, forget the elevated mood and replace it with a fuck ton of irritability. Not interested in anything, no motivation to do anything, but everything else is still present. This one was sort of everywhere, and I crashed.

I'm just exhausted. From literally nothing. I don't want to do this anymore.

 

[person357]

I haven't even been diagnosed with bipolar, but it's what my psychiatrist suspects I am dealing with. Bipolar 2, if I had to guess, since I don't experience full blown mania. I don't know. I don't really care what I'm dealing with anymore, I just want to be okay. I don't want to be hypomanic, if that's what I'm experiencing, I don't want to be depressed, I just want to feel stable.

I just want interests again. I want hobbies again. I want to be myself again, I want to have an actual personality again. Goals and ambitions. I want to want to do something with my life. My psychiatrist put me on lamictal. Started at 25 mg, and slowly moving up. Two weeks with 25 mg, two weeks with 50 mg, two weeks with 100 mg, and then my follow up appointment with her. She warned me that I wouldn't notice much of a difference until I got to 100 mg, and by then, I should notice a difference.

I just started 50 mg. I'm tired of waiting. So far, these are just pills that knock me out after I take them. That's it, and to be expected. I didn't expect to take the first low ass dose of this and magically, I'm cured. I'm stable. I'm all better now! It just feels like time is dragging. I already had a hypomanic episode, maybe? I don't even know anymore. Normally they're either super pleasant, elevated mood, elevated energy, I might be everywhere all the time and unable to focus on one thing at a time, overspending, racing thoughts, more confidence, pressured speech, etc. Or, forget the elevated mood and replace it with a fuck ton of irritability. Not interested in anything, no motivation to do anything, but everything else is still present. This one was sort of everywhere, and I crashed.

I'm just exhausted. From literally nothing. I don't want to do this anymore.

Hey there, just wanted to say that I can really understand how you feel.

My psychiatrist recently diagnosed me with bipolar (probably bipolar 2, too, as once I was hypomanic. I never had mania). I'm mainly dealing with depression episodes of bipolar and C-PTSD.
I can really relate to wanting interests back, hobbies, goals, ambitions... I miss them too. I'm feeling so empty.

And yeah, Lamictal dosage titration is so frustrating. It is SO slow, but with this medication it needs to be slow to prevent adverse reactions. I truly hope you'll see benefit from it. For me lamictal made me feel great for 3-4 months (I was less depressed, had motivation to work and enjoyed a hobby I once had), until it didn't have that affect anymore. I wish you have a better luck with it!

My hypomanic episode felt good - elevated mood, motivation to work, less sleep, very high confidence, but I also did some unusual things that I wouldn't do normally. I hope I never have a hypomanic episode again.

I'm also losing my my mind from existing while I'm this empty shell while meds don't seem to make me see the bright side of life, and if they do, then not for long.
I really wish you'll feel the good effect of Lamictal soon!
btw, I felt better after 2-3 doses of 25mg, but I assume most people don't have the same experience as me, but hopefully you do.

 

[purgedXO]

Hey there, just wanted to say that I can really understand how you feel.

My psychiatrist recently diagnosed me with bipolar (probably bipolar 2, too, as once I was hypomanic. I never had mania). I'm mainly dealing with depression episodes of bipolar and C-PTSD.
I can really relate to wanting interests back, hobbies, goals, ambitions... I miss them too. I'm feeling so empty.

And yeah, Lamictal dosage titration is so frustrating. It is SO slow, but with this medication it needs to be slow to prevent adverse reactions. I truly hope you'll see benefit from it. For me lamictal made me feel great for 3-4 months (I was less depressed, had motivation to work and enjoyed a hobby I once had), until it didn't have that affect anymore. I wish you have a better luck with it!

My hypomanic episode felt good - elevated mood, motivation to work, less sleep, very high confidence, but I also did some unusual things that I wouldn't do normally. I hope I never have a hypomanic episode again.

I'm also losing my my mind from existing while I'm this empty shell while meds don't seem to make me see the bright side of life, and if they do, then not for long.
I really wish you'll feel the good effect of Lamictal soon!
btw, I felt better after 2-3 doses of 25mg, but I assume most people don't have the same experience as me, but hopefully you do.

It's good to know I'm not alone in feeling like this, but I'm sorry you can relate. None of this is fun. Hopefully the meds eventually kick in and I'm able to be a person again. I don't know if I even remember how exactly to do that, ya know? Have hobbies and goals? It's been years, those sorts of things have become foreign to me.

Hopefully it works out, and I appreciate the positivity, I hope you find something that helps you!

 

[celest]

Anytime I try to 'fix' my depression it sends me back to mania tbh and I can't even realize until I'm out of it. I still am not convinced I have bipolar because I don't know if it's a reaction to my circumstances like the natural development of events or something internal. What I have noticed is that lamictal makes it hard to feel that excitement over small stupid things. I don't know I'm so tired and just want to end it all,I'm so tired of going to bed convincing myself I'll do it and wake up feeling ok.

 

[person357]

I don't know if I even remember how exactly to do that, ya know? Have hobbies and goals? It's been years, those sorts of things have become foreign to me.

Hopefully it works out, and I appreciate the positivity, I hope you find something that helps you!

I completely get you.
You know, when I look back on the time when I was functional, I really didn't have much goals to begin with, and they were all short term. I can't say I had ambitions/long term goals. I remember thinking about and trying to decipher the answer to the question: "What god wants me to do here?". Trying to figure out a meaning to my existence and not succeeding ultimately. And when I tried to ask myself what I want, I honestly felt that I didn't really want things in life that most people want. I want to want, but the matter of the fact is that I don't want.

I think that if you had in the past goals and hobbies, there is a good chance it will be easier for you to have them again when you've stabilized. If you see it's still hard for you to get back into hobbies and setting goals when you're stable than talking to a therapist might help.

Thank you! Lately I've been feeling defeated by life (from the C-PTSD), but as long as I'm here I'll join your wish and hope I find a way to live regardless. Thanks again!