Venting Sick and tired of being sick and tired

[tooBadTooLate]

Well, hello again. A lot has changed in my life, again, ever since I last posted here. I've been working on my studies, but my family situation has not been getting any better, and so neither is my self esteem.

I don't know how far could I keep this facade of being a sane, healthy individual any longer. My dad and brother has been wearing me down with their condescence, and how they tell me I should be grateful for them ad nauseuam; holy shit I wish they could just shut the fuck up. I hate them. I hate them with every fiber of my heart. Them giving me food and shelter and a way to get forward in life is enough, I do not want any further assistance, especially in the last part, but no! Part of why I'm here in the first place is because I wanted to have my own schedule and cannot stand anybody else telling what to study and what not, but Jesus fucking Christ they will never understand.

Hell, I don't think they would understand anything that's beneath my skin. Sure, they know I go to therapy, but the closest thing to them finally looking upon themselves is an "Okay" to that. Oh, yes, you two have been making me feel worthless ever since I left high school, and all I get is an "Okay" to that?

And that's why I'm here, or a part of it. The rest can be attributed to my mother disciplining me with coat hangers and treating my brother like he's somebody - I'm still glad that bitch is dead - and my old high school letting my bullies grope and harass me while keeping actual education as a secondary goal. I had befriended some people, but they were too far off, too distant from whatever I could try to connect with them with.

I am thoroughly aware of the consequences of CtBing; I will never come back from it and I will harm others too. But I don't give a shit anymore at this point, especially if my lack of self-esteem is going to push me towards there once again.

Thank you for reading. I felt like I have to get this out of my heart; if I were to be born to be put through this and have a self-hating mind and no one else to turn to, (well, except here) the option seems to be more enticing than ever.

I don't know where else do I go from here. The rest, make what you will of this.

 

[TheyWereHereFirssst]

Hi there, not really an ideal response coming out of this, but I have a question as a recent person who failed CtB. Was it all just cope, moving from that phase to another? Regardless of change, was it merely delaying a coming sense/feeling that was already something you were sure about, that nothing really changed. I'm in no position like yours but I feel like I'll only be moving to the same direction, and like a saying told by a friend "It's hard to fight in a war that you'll die losing".

 

[PanaxMan]

Well, hello again. A lot has changed in my life, again, ever since I last posted here. I've been working on my studies, but my family situation has not been getting any better, and so neither is my self esteem.

I don't know how far could I keep this facade of being a sane, healthy individual any longer. My dad and brother has been wearing me down with their condescence, and how they tell me I should be grateful for them ad nauseuam; holy shit I wish they could just shut the fuck up. I hate them. I hate them with every fiber of my heart. Them giving me food and shelter and a way to get forward in life is enough, I do not want any further assistance, especially in the last part, but no! Part of why I'm here in the first place is because I wanted to have my own schedule and cannot stand anybody else telling what to study and what not, but Jesus fucking Christ they will never understand.

Hell, I don't think they would understand anything that's beneath my skin. Sure, they know I go to therapy, but the closest thing to them finally looking upon themselves is an "Okay" to that. Oh, yes, you two have been making me feel worthless ever since I left high school, and all I get is an "Okay" to that?

And that's why I'm here, or a part of it. The rest can be attributed to my mother disciplining me with coat hangers and treating my brother like he's somebody - I'm still glad that bitch is dead - and my old high school letting my bullies grope and harass me while keeping actual education as a secondary goal. I had befriended some people, but they were too far off, too distant from whatever I could try to connect with them with.

I am thoroughly aware of the consequences of CtBing; I will never come back from it and I will harm others too. But I don't give a shit anymore at this point, especially if my lack of self-esteem is going to push me towards there once again.

Thank you for reading. I felt like I have to get this out of my heart; if I were to be born to be put through this and have a self-hating mind and no one else to turn to, (well, except here) the option seems to be more enticing than ever.

I don't know where else do I go from here. The rest, make what you will of this.

Nearly a clone of myself I grant you the best of wishes

 

[itsgone2]

I am thoroughly aware of the consequences of CtBing; I will never come back from it and I will harm others too. But I don't give a shit anymore at this point, especially if my lack of self-esteem is going to push me towards there once again

I can sympathize. I don't care that I won't come back. I do care about people ill hurt. I'm upset about that. But what can I do. I can't continue this forever. Life is a nightmare.