SI??

[platypusfan]

I feel like I am in a complicated situation and I want to know if anyone is in a similar position. I think my life is getting better but the desire to CTB continues to increase. I don't really view this as a bad thing, the bad thing is that it's just a desire, like a dream. Like it feels like I won't ever do it. I fear I will put myself in a loop of living and end up never deleting this account. For one I'm in no position to do it and it will be incredibly difficult where I'm at right now, but I could probably still find a way if I really needed to. So I've come to the conclusion that I just have this really strong survival instinct. And I know what a lot of people will say, "that means you're not ready!!" "That means you're getting better!!" I know, but you don't know the whole story. It is the logical choice for far more reasons than I have mentioned, and if I were to completely get better and fix my mental/physical illness, there are still some things that will never be fixed unless if maybe some sort of technology that I can't even comprehend comes along and fixes all my problems. So until then I just see life as not worth it. I switch back and forth between hating life and being fine with it, but even when I am feeling fine it just makes sense to die. But I won't do it, maybe I need my life to get significantly worse?? But I don't think so, even being told to kill myself to my face won't persuade me to. It could just be fear and I'm a wuss but even if you told me that it wouldn't help me actually do it. Or maybe it's just because I don't have access to anything, maybe if I had a gun right in front of me I would have different feelings and immediately shoot myself. I feel like a walking contradiction on the topic of living and it confuses me.

 

[Lupgevif]

I've felt like that for a long time too. I also didn't have access to any method throughout all the years of suicide ideation, so when I got desperate the most, it felt incredibly suffocating (metaphorically, I am privileged to have never had a panic attack in my life). I've lived all these years in this weird haze that made me feel like this is some unreachable feat, and I'd never do it, despite all the conditions.