Venting SI is a motherfucker

[hopeurhappylb]

I hate that I know I want to kill myself more than anything, that I can't ever find happiness in this life, but theres this dumb wall in my mind stopping me from doing anything.
I'm not sure what it is. I'm not scared of death, I welcome it if it wants to come to me at any time. I don't care if there's an afterlife or what it's like. I have methods I can access that aren't painful. And yet I can't bring myself to actually do it.
It's probably SI, but I'm not sure. It might also just be cowardice over making a permanent decision. I doubt myself in every possible way, because I'm subhuman and any decision I make is probably a bad one, so I can't help but second guess myself on ctb to the point that it paralyzes me. I know I want it, I know that I would rather be dead than alive, but it's a big and permanent decision I can't walk back, and that intimidates me. I wish I didn't feel that way, because I know suicide is the best option for me and that it's what I want, but I'm just so pathetic.
I want to do it as soon as possible, but I can't even bring myself to get started. Someone else should take the burden off of me and kill me themself. I'm sure a lot of people wish they could, since I'm so terrible.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

 

[wljourney]

Yes it might be SI or simply not being quite ready yet to leave.

If you have ever tried to CTB unsuccessfully you might know how it feels to be ready, everything is in place but then you sit in front of your *insert method* and you can't get over that threshold of using *chosen method*.

And then you text a friend to say goodbye even though deep down you know that they will call 911 and you'll be found.

I think that is what SI is.
At least that's how I understand SI.

I haven't been ready for a few years now even though I have everything I need for my chosen method.

Today that changed (for a number of reasons) and while I am preparing to CTB - maybe as soon as this weekend - I know that SI will take a few hours or even days before I can go through with it.

It is very intimidating to make that last step. It's scary and feels awful. For me it's mostly because it is such a damn waste of a life that SHOULD have been better. That should have been good and happy.

Being scared of going through with it isn't pathetic. It's normal.

xo

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

This instinct is one of many proofs that our life or this world was not planned by anything superior/intelligent. It's the same instinct we observe in any living thing. Worms, insects, animals of all kinds, bacteria, viruses... Even these unconscious things fight to survive. We will do the same. But there is a difference: Our consciousness is capable of ignoring this instinct in certain specific circumstances. There just isn't a formula. Each person will discover this in their own time.

 

[girlsboysthems]

i just fear failure, and dying. i have no problem with doing it and being dead. just dying is rough...

 

[ARW3N]

The suicidologist Thomas Joiner has written and lectured extensively on SI and how the ability to die by suicide comes from a gradual desensitization to violence and a decreased fear of pain, combined with technical competence in one or more suicide methods. There are many more people who experience suicidal ideation than go through the actual daunting act of suicide itself.

 

[weinstein67]

I hate that I know I want to kill myself more than anything, that I can't ever find happiness in this life, but theres this dumb wall in my mind stopping me from doing anything.
I'm not sure what it is. I'm not scared of death, I welcome it if it wants to come to me at any time. I don't care if there's an afterlife or what it's like. I have methods I can access that aren't painful. And yet I can't bring myself to actually do it.
It's probably SI, but I'm not sure. It might also just be cowardice over making a permanent decision. I doubt myself in every possible way, because I'm subhuman and any decision I make is probably a bad one, so I can't help but second guess myself on ctb to the point that it paralyzes me. I know I want it, I know that I would rather be dead than alive, but it's a big and permanent decision I can't walk back, and that intimidates me. I wish I didn't feel that way, because I know suicide is the best option for me and that it's what I want, but I'm just so pathetic.
I want to do it as soon as possible, but I can't even bring myself to get started. Someone else should take the burden off of me and kill me themself. I'm sure a lot of people wish they could, since I'm so terrible.

Well my SN arrived like month ago and I still can't get over it. I literally daydream about being dead but no action since ever.