Venting SI is a bitch

[nihilistic_dragon]

Occasionally, some little nice thing happens in my day to day life. And just for a fraction of a second my brain imagines a bright future. Just for a fraction of a second. And then the delusion fades away and the reality check kicks right back in and I remember that a "bright future" is impossible.

I often wonder if I will be able to ctb, or will I - like many of you - have many tries, where I mostly just cry and stare at the wall with my ctb method in front of me? I am a very strong and determined person, always have been. But I wonder what I will become when my time comes.

My method of choice is N. I still have to make lots of preparations, still need to travel to obtain it. Recently when I heard that N is becoming more difficult to buy, part of me got upset/anxious. But a very tiny part of me was....glad?

While I know it's only natural to keep postponing your preparations and ctb date, I hate being in limbo like this. I hate the SI. I hate this society for making ctb-ing so difficult too.

I am just so tired of having to exist. Just so fucking tired.

 

[kinderbueno]

I understand. Our survival instincts are merely trying to trick us into thinking the future is bright. I need to get over my SI, but I have no fucking clue how

 

[CantDoIt]

God I get you there so much. It's only natural to feel this way I think. Whenever I go to sleep I feel great, but when I wake up im the morning I remember everything that bothers me and I am devastated. And then my SI has the nerve to show me horrible things or make me feel guilty or regretful or nostalgic. What hoped are these emotions exactly?

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be very tiring what you go through, I certainly understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence and I also really wish it's not so difficult to cease existing. But anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I understand. Our survival instincts are merely trying to trick us into thinking the future is bright. I need to get over my SI, but I have no fucking clue how

Yes. It should be called delusion instead of SI.

 

[SuperioS]

SI saved my life 3 times

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

SI saved my life 3 times

Was it more difficult to "pull the trigger" so to speak the second and the third time, or was it easier?

 

[huntermellow]

i get you so much. sometimes i feel like i can get over everything that's happened for a very brief second but then i remember again and i remember how everything has always consistently gone wrong when i had something good and the same bad things will keep happening to me. that's why i want things to keep getting worse so i don't feel regret and so my SI will no longer affect me when it's my time because i know that if i survive nothing will change and things will probably be worse

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

i get you so much. sometimes i feel like i can get over everything that's happened for a very brief second but then i remember again and i remember how everything has always consistently gone wrong when i had something good and the same bad things will keep happening to me. that's why i want things to keep getting worse so i don't feel regret and so my SI will no longer affect me when it's my time because i know that if i survive nothing will change and things will probably be worse

Yes exactly. It is just for a brief moment. And then the reality check takes over.
And that is why I like the idea of ctb-ing in a foreign country. I know that I will feel even more like an alien than I already do, so hopefully it will be easier to go through with the process.

 

[SuperioS]

Was it more difficult to "pull the trigger" so to speak the second and the third time, or was it easier?

all three was basically the same