Venting Shutting yourself down trought drugs

[orias.rlz]

My way of coping right now is taken drugs every now and then to shut my inner dialog and feelings down. Its like being on hollyday for a few hours. Its a very toxic way of coping with unbearable emotions and SItuation

Right now im on (legal in germany) benzos (rilmazolam) an alcohol, if I had Ritalin or Vyvanse I would take it also in the mix but I'm to fucked up to go to my psychiatrist. Maybe I'll do it in my off drugs days.

Im almost not caring about ignoring the people I once loved that still after years of this shit trying to help me an be there for me. I can't comprehend why they would invest there time in a lost cause.

I ordered sn and it should be no problem to get the another recomended meds to go through with the procedure.
Tomorrow I will vegetate on odsmt(legal opioid in germany)as high dosed as possible (without any real health dangers).

This will be my life till I finally ctb and I'm quite enjoying it. Even though I now I have to be careful To not get to dependent on any of this to be still able to go through with it till everything arrives and is available to me ctb.

Sorry if its not very well written, but I can't see straight right now because of the combinqtion.of drugs and the I te site of the dosages

 

[Merge]

May I ask why you want to ctb? It seems like you have people who love you unconditionally. I understand that it sometimes doesn't matter how many people care about you. But it seems like they really love you if they try to help for so many years. I think I'm in a similar place as you and don't know how to deal with that.