EDIT: I got to the end of writing this thread and it is definitely a rambly as hell vent. TW for descriptions of sexual violence
Hello, I'm alphabetsoup. I'm 24, female, and have an alphabet soup of diagnoses thanks to a disproportionate amount of trauma from childhood to now. I wasn't sure whether or not to tag this as story or venting, because I'm not even sure where I'm going with this thread, but here goes.
I have endured so much. Overcome so much. I'm frustrated that I'm feeling this way again, after getting to the point where I thought I had "made it." In November, I finally got out of a 6 year abusive relationship. After being abused and neglected throughout my childhood, and a string of abusive relationships, I was finally living alone for the first time. I thought I was safe. I was in therapy, taking medication that was helping me, and I felt hopeful. Despite struggling with chronic mental and physical illnesses, including fibromyalgia, which forced me to rely on benefits rather than working, I was planning to return to work. I have a degree, and I was going to be a teacher, so I could spot and help the kids who were struggling but flying under the radar as I did. If I couldn't physically handle it due to my illnesses, I was considering pursuing a Masters in psychology, or using my BA to become a manuscript editor. I was finding ways to adapt to life with my illnesses, and move forward despite my trauma. I felt genuinely happy, things were finally coming together after fighting and suffering for so long to get to this point.
And then on the 26th of January, I learned that a man who sexually assaulted me when we were 16 is now working as a domiciliary support worker for vulnerable adults- I learned this because every now and then, I google him to find out where he works so I can avoid him. This behaviour started because a few years ago, he was a bus driver, so I didn't get buses for two years. I completely broke down. But I still tried to fight. I woke up on the Monday and went to my weekly therapy appointment. I spoke to my care coordinator about it- even the police, trying to find a way to safeguard these people but stay anonymous and avoid going to court. I think I was doing well until the Thursday of that week, when I went to the women's centre to seek more advice and prepare myself for the potential outcome of going to court.
The advisor I saw there? She said to me "we can't help you, because as you didn't say no, a crime wasn't technically committed."
I knew from speaking to my therapist, the police, and my CMHT, and from reading the Crown Prosecution Service's guidelines on consent etc. that this wasn't true. I know that I didn't have to say no. I know that I was drugged. I know that he picked me because he knew I was vulnerable. We went to school together- he groomed me from age 10. If I had access to the old MSN conversations, I could show them conversations where at age 12 he told me what foreplay was and that he wanted to do it with me. The night the incident happened, it was pure chance. You see, the night before, I went to a party. I was bullied by everyone at school and was never invited to anything like that before. So I took the chance. I ended up drugged and raped by two strangers that night. The next day, I woke up at home with no idea how I got there, but still feeling wired from the drugs and decided to brush off the bad from the night before by going out again to a small annual music festival in my area. I ran into him there and he took advantage of the fact that I was plastered and reeling from the night before. He told me "you didn't enjoy it because they didn't love you." He took me to his home, and I had no way of getting back to mine until morning. I was alone with him all night. I initially let him, and then I froze as the rest happened. When it was over I could finally move again, and I ran to the bathroom to be sick. I locked myself in there for what felt like an hour as I cried and tried to clean out my mouth. When I came out, he looked sheepish and offered me a cup of tea and put Adventure Time on the TV. 2 weeks later, he messaged me on facebook to ask to be friends with benefits- he clearly didn't and does not think he did anything wrong.
I didn't report him or the other 2 men back then because I thought it was my fault. My fault because I was flirtatious earlier in the night. My fault because I went to a party alone knowing it was risky to not know anyone there. My fault because I took drinks from strangers. I didn't even realise I'd been drugged until I was 19- I thought I was just a slutty drunk.
These fears are preventing me from taking it further. My therapist filed a report with the police on the 3rd of Feb, and we've heard nothing since. He is still working with vulnerable people. I don't think I have a case, I can't handle seeing him again after almost 8 years, I can't handle the idea of the case being dropped due to lack of evidence. I don't want to be harrassed and abused again. I don't want to be called a liar. I am terrified that he could twist this around and prosecute me for defamation of character or making a false allegation, like that girl in the news from Greece, or a woman with bipolar a few years ago who killed herself after being gangraped and when the case was dropped, her rapists went after her legally. I know that if I take them to court and win, it would be amazing. But I know that if I lose, I won't survive, if I even survive the process before finding out the outcome. I feel trapped, because at this point, I could just leave it at the report my therapist made and try to get back on with my life, but I can't carry on as normal with the guilt from the knowledge that my silence is allowing him to work with women who are sick like me because of men like him. I will never be normal again. I have had nightmares about him all night every night since this came to light. The only reason I've been sleeping is because of my meds and the ridiculous amount of weed I've been smoking. I don't know how I've managed to stay alive for this long since finding out, and I've hung on for so long at this point that I'm now torn between killing myself or seeing what happens. So, after a few weeks of lurking here researching methods, I decided to join so I don't have to be alone anymore as I go through stay/go limbo.
If you've read this far, seriously, thank you so much ♡
Hello, I'm alphabetsoup. I'm 24, female, and have an alphabet soup of diagnoses thanks to a disproportionate amount of trauma from childhood to now. I wasn't sure whether or not to tag this as story or venting, because I'm not even sure where I'm going with this thread, but here goes.
I have endured so much. Overcome so much. I'm frustrated that I'm feeling this way again, after getting to the point where I thought I had "made it." In November, I finally got out of a 6 year abusive relationship. After being abused and neglected throughout my childhood, and a string of abusive relationships, I was finally living alone for the first time. I thought I was safe. I was in therapy, taking medication that was helping me, and I felt hopeful. Despite struggling with chronic mental and physical illnesses, including fibromyalgia, which forced me to rely on benefits rather than working, I was planning to return to work. I have a degree, and I was going to be a teacher, so I could spot and help the kids who were struggling but flying under the radar as I did. If I couldn't physically handle it due to my illnesses, I was considering pursuing a Masters in psychology, or using my BA to become a manuscript editor. I was finding ways to adapt to life with my illnesses, and move forward despite my trauma. I felt genuinely happy, things were finally coming together after fighting and suffering for so long to get to this point.
And then on the 26th of January, I learned that a man who sexually assaulted me when we were 16 is now working as a domiciliary support worker for vulnerable adults- I learned this because every now and then, I google him to find out where he works so I can avoid him. This behaviour started because a few years ago, he was a bus driver, so I didn't get buses for two years. I completely broke down. But I still tried to fight. I woke up on the Monday and went to my weekly therapy appointment. I spoke to my care coordinator about it- even the police, trying to find a way to safeguard these people but stay anonymous and avoid going to court. I think I was doing well until the Thursday of that week, when I went to the women's centre to seek more advice and prepare myself for the potential outcome of going to court.
The advisor I saw there? She said to me "we can't help you, because as you didn't say no, a crime wasn't technically committed."
I knew from speaking to my therapist, the police, and my CMHT, and from reading the Crown Prosecution Service's guidelines on consent etc. that this wasn't true. I know that I didn't have to say no. I know that I was drugged. I know that he picked me because he knew I was vulnerable. We went to school together- he groomed me from age 10. If I had access to the old MSN conversations, I could show them conversations where at age 12 he told me what foreplay was and that he wanted to do it with me. The night the incident happened, it was pure chance. You see, the night before, I went to a party. I was bullied by everyone at school and was never invited to anything like that before. So I took the chance. I ended up drugged and raped by two strangers that night. The next day, I woke up at home with no idea how I got there, but still feeling wired from the drugs and decided to brush off the bad from the night before by going out again to a small annual music festival in my area. I ran into him there and he took advantage of the fact that I was plastered and reeling from the night before. He told me "you didn't enjoy it because they didn't love you." He took me to his home, and I had no way of getting back to mine until morning. I was alone with him all night. I initially let him, and then I froze as the rest happened. When it was over I could finally move again, and I ran to the bathroom to be sick. I locked myself in there for what felt like an hour as I cried and tried to clean out my mouth. When I came out, he looked sheepish and offered me a cup of tea and put Adventure Time on the TV. 2 weeks later, he messaged me on facebook to ask to be friends with benefits- he clearly didn't and does not think he did anything wrong.
I didn't report him or the other 2 men back then because I thought it was my fault. My fault because I was flirtatious earlier in the night. My fault because I went to a party alone knowing it was risky to not know anyone there. My fault because I took drinks from strangers. I didn't even realise I'd been drugged until I was 19- I thought I was just a slutty drunk.
These fears are preventing me from taking it further. My therapist filed a report with the police on the 3rd of Feb, and we've heard nothing since. He is still working with vulnerable people. I don't think I have a case, I can't handle seeing him again after almost 8 years, I can't handle the idea of the case being dropped due to lack of evidence. I don't want to be harrassed and abused again. I don't want to be called a liar. I am terrified that he could twist this around and prosecute me for defamation of character or making a false allegation, like that girl in the news from Greece, or a woman with bipolar a few years ago who killed herself after being gangraped and when the case was dropped, her rapists went after her legally. I know that if I take them to court and win, it would be amazing. But I know that if I lose, I won't survive, if I even survive the process before finding out the outcome. I feel trapped, because at this point, I could just leave it at the report my therapist made and try to get back on with my life, but I can't carry on as normal with the guilt from the knowledge that my silence is allowing him to work with women who are sick like me because of men like him. I will never be normal again. I have had nightmares about him all night every night since this came to light. The only reason I've been sleeping is because of my meds and the ridiculous amount of weed I've been smoking. I don't know how I've managed to stay alive for this long since finding out, and I've hung on for so long at this point that I'm now torn between killing myself or seeing what happens. So, after a few weeks of lurking here researching methods, I decided to join so I don't have to be alone anymore as I go through stay/go limbo.
If you've read this far, seriously, thank you so much ♡
