Help Should I tell my friend about planning a suicide?

[draw a circle]

I'm planning to CTB because I feel that this is the right time and that I've waited too long. But before that, I want to tell one of my best friend about this because they've been my friend for about ten years, and honestly if I could find some way to be better I want to try it first. Like I could do it without telling anyone just to spite them, but deep down I want my second chance. We have been through things together. I won't say that I'm always there for them but I definitely try my best to be. So it makes sense that I want them to be here for this, right?

But my head keeps telling me that they will toss me aside if I come up to them about me being suicidal. They used to be depressed and suicidal, and probably still is, but they're doing better now. My friend is someone who gets used by their friends a lot back then, and they're starting to learn how to put themself first. I'm on board with this because sometimes I have to be the one to call them out when they're sacrificing themself to satisfy people. And yet I feel like if I say that I'm suicidal and I need someone to be there as my friend so I don't die, I'm worried that this will be a trigger to them and make them stop talking to me at all. Like what if they think I'm not a good person to be around, now that they have a bunch of supportive, non-suicidal group of friends online (this is a relatively new thing) I will look depressing compared to them. I can't help it; I AM feeling depressed.

I'm not asking them to be my therapist and force them to listen to my problems. I just want them to talk to me. They ignored me a lot lately, though they claim to also ignore other people because sometimes they're tired and just want some alone time (very understandable, I'm the same). But this has gone for far too long and too often for me that I feel like we're getting distant. I don't have the emotional energy to reach out to my other friends because they won't understand anyway. Also, kinda personal but they skipped my birthday dinner for no reason other than they're stressed about school and need a day off. I'm still angry about this because I don't want to celebrate the day I chickened out to kill myself last year and it's a hard time for me. And it's just one day in a year, one or two hours in one day. School hasn't even started yet.

Maybe it's just my head talking. I'm just going apeshit with my fantasies because that's what I do. Maybe they will help me after all. But talking to them scares me greatly. I keep thinking about what if they won't even listen. What if they blow me off? What if they told me "do what you want" and let me die? What if they think I used suicide as a threat to keep them close (I don't, I won't do this, but I'm not exactly level headed and not sure if I can show that I meant no harm)?

Tl;dr I want to tell my friend that I'm planning a suicide, but I don't want to be seen as toxic and risk triggering them. I want them to be there as I try to find help but not sure if they would want to help me. Should I tell them about my feelings on this?

 

[builtwrong]

Just to forewarn you, depending on where you live that could make them legally culpable

 

[trigzter]

No is the only real answer. Nothing good can come from doing so

 

[Life_and_Death]

I wouldn't tell them you have a plan but if you want to tell them you have problems that's one thing. The way I see telling someone you have problems (assuming you can emotionally handle the outcome) (also I'm talking in a "when you first meet them" way) 1) they can decide then and there they can't handle it and leave before there's an emotional attachment and it hurts too much 2) if they are mean to you knowing the hell you've already been/are going through then you don't need them in your life anyway 3) if they do hang around then you know you probably have a good friend.

 

[draw a circle]

Just to forewarn you, depending on where you live that could make them legally culpable

What does this mean? Sorry, I don't live in an english speaking country.

I wouldn't tell them you have a plan but if you want to tell them you have problems that's one thing. The way I see telling someone you have problems (assuming you can emotionally handle the outcome) (also I'm talking in a "when you first meet them" way) 1) they can decide then and there they can't handle it and leave before there's an emotional attachment and it hurts too much 2) if they are mean to you knowing the hell you've already been/are going through then you don't need them in your life anyway 3) if they do hang around then you know you probably have a good friend.

There's already an emotional attachment, we've been friends for years. I think if they broke our friendship off that will make me even more sure to ctb. I don't think they'd be intentionally mean, but they would (probably) distance themself from me. I sure do hope they will stay. I could start with talking about how I've been suicidal for two years? I feel like if someone has to know, it's this person.

 

[Life_and_Death]

What does this mean? Sorry, I don't live in an english speaking country.


There's already an emotional attachment, we've been friends for years. I think if they broke our friendship off that will make me even more sure to ctb. I don't think they'd be intentionally mean, but they would (probably) distance themself from me. I sure do hope they will stay. I could start with talking about how I've been suicidal for two years? I feel like if someone has to know, it's this person.

I'm waking up. I'll answer your question but I'll read what you said about my comment on a bit.

What it means is if someone knows your suicidal and didn't tell the doctors (basically force you to get help) they can go to jail or get charged. (like I said waking up but that's the basics of it)
Are you looking for someone to just talk to about it or someone to help you find help so you don't have to ctb?

 

[draw a circle]

I'm waking up. I'll answer your question but I'll read what you said about my comment on a bit.

What it means is if someone knows your suicidal and didn't tell the doctors (basically force you to get help) they can go to jail or get charged. (like I said waking up but that's the basics of it)
Are you looking for someone to just talk to about it or someone to help you find help so you don't have to ctb?

Oh, I see. I don't know if it was a thing in my country. Never heard of it though.

I think I just want to talk to them about life sometimes (not necessarily the suicidal thing). You know, like friends usually do. I don't have many close friends that knows all my secrets. And they're the one I wanted to talk to anyway. But earlier this year I was hurt by something they did (unintentionally and unknowingly) and they spent more time talking to their online friends instead of me, and I was already dealing with shit, so it's a hard hit for me.

I thought if I don't do something drastic nothing will happen. I could either confess that I'm dealing with more serious shit than they knew and I need them to be there while I try to make things right, or straight up attempt ctb without telling anyone and see what happens next. If I die, good, and if I managed to survive somehow, at least I don't have to convince people.

Tl;dr I just want them to be there. Not as a therapist but as a friend. I think they need to know just how much I need their presence, otherwise they'd just keep stringing me along.

 

[Jeff_The_Cursed]

It would be unwise to tell of my suicide plan.

However, when the time comes, I will leave a note to eliminate any question that my death was suicide, but won't say why.

 

[draw a circle]

Just to add, one of my friends once told me he's considering to kill himself due to academic pressure. I talked him out of it and encouraged him when he said he wanted to drop out and get a job. Now he doesn't sound like he wanted to die anymore. I wish I could just say that to someone and not get told to "pray more" or "keep fighting". I wish I have someone like I was to him. Someone who'd say shit like "you know you can talk to me anytime" or whatever and make good of those words. I'm not very close to the guy in this post, but at least I won't abandon someone when they're feeling depressed. I wish I can trust my best friend not to abandon me.

 

[Silver]

If you tell your friend, be aware they might not react how you want them to react. Unless you are hoping that they will change your mind because you don't really want to ctb, it would be safer not to tell them but to leave them a note instead.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I would make an assessment before disclosing to this friend, and maybe test them first

• What is their consistent behavior? Does anything about it predict how they will manage this disclosure?
• How have they managed other disclosures?
• Is there something less serious but somehow similar that you could share with them and see how they manage it? Something you don't need support for so they won't get overwhelmed with having to support for too many heavy things?

I also like this tool from Brené Brown that helps me assess how the other person is or is not worthy of trust. It's an acronym, BRAVING, because it takes bravery to trust in someone.

• Boundaries met - Boundaries are what's okay and not okay. When one allows another to get away with crossing boundaries, they feel resentment.
• Responsibility - Do they show up when they say they will? Do they do what they say they will? Do they show up emotionally?
• Accountability - Do you hold each other accountable? Or do you just let each other get away with things? Do you each own when you are wrong and make amends?
• Vault - What you share with them, they hold in confidence. What other people share with them, they hold in confidence from you. Also, is it a relationship based on intimacy built over disliking and judging others?
• Integrity - Doing what's right rather than what's easy, fun, or comfortable.
• Non-judgment - Both are allowed to fall apart, struggle, and ask for help without judgment.
• Generosity - Assume the most generous things about each other's words, intentions, and behaviors vs. always assuming the worst. Asking what happened/what went wrong rather than just assuming something negative.

 

[AmDead]

Just to add, one of my friends once told me he's considering to kill himself due to academic pressure. I talked him out of it and encouraged him when he said he wanted to drop out and get a job. Now he doesn't sound like he wanted to die anymore. I wish I could just say that to someone and not get told to "pray more" or "keep fighting". I wish I have someone like I was to him. Someone who'd say shit like "you know you can talk to me anytime" or whatever and make good of those words. I'm not very close to the guy in this post, but at least I won't abandon someone when they're feeling depressed. I wish I can trust my best friend not to abandon me.

Maybe you could confess your thoughts to him? The guy you helped talk him out of it. I'm sure he would understand and because you helped him survive, I doubt he would abandon you. You said he was one of your friends right?

 

[AlreadyGone]

I honestly do not find any good in disclosing to anyone your plans to ctb unless you want them to interfere with your plans

 

[muffin222]

I can't see any benefit to doing so. Most people would be alarmed by that type of disclosure and would likely get authorities involved to prevent you from following through on your plan. I'm surprised this type of question pops up so often on here; most people aren't like the members on this site. They aren't going to just sit back and let you kill yourself because they think it's your right

 

[TAW122]

No, you shouldn't if you don't want to risk intervention. @builtwrong is right about it, especially if they are mandated reporters. As far as non-mandated reporters (friends and family), I believe that as long as they don't aid the person in CTB'ing then they won't be held legally liable. @Silver raised a good point too, if you have already made up your mind and don't want to be persuaded or changed otherwise, then it's best to not mention it.

I can't see any benefit to doing so. Most people would be alarmed by that type of disclosure and would likely get authorities involved to prevent you from following through on your plan. I'm surprised this type of question pops up so often on here; most people aren't like the members on this site. They aren't going to just sit back and let you kill yourself because they think it's your right

This sums up the situation very well. People are too ingrained in their emotions, fear and aversion towards death that logic doesn't even cross their mind (or they brush it aside) during the situation.

 

[Incorrigible77777]

Glad to see you again! My answer would be No as they wouldn't understand. I'd use postponed e-mail instead to notify them with my suicide note after I die.

 

[Nymph]

No If don't want to be helped.

 

[draw a circle]

Maybe you could confess your thoughts to him? The guy you helped talk him out of it. I'm sure he would understand and because you helped him survive, I doubt he would abandon you. You said he was one of your friends right?

Yes, I guess I could, but we aren't very close emotionally and rarely talks. It's kinda awkward for me to just spring that up to people, because I've had like three people confessing about them being suicidal (all three doesn't go through) and while they seem like they simply want to be heard and I gave it to them, it left me feeling worried and anxious that I'd say the wrong thing. I don't want to make him uncomfortable....

But with my best friend we already gone through shit together so I thought it would go better if I tell them. Idk tho wait imma make another post

I can't see any benefit to doing so. Most people would be alarmed by that type of disclosure and would likely get authorities involved to prevent you from following through on your plan. I'm surprised this type of question pops up so often on here; most people aren't like the members on this site. They aren't going to just sit back and let you kill yourself because they think it's your right

Yeah, I mean I'm ashamed to admit this but deep down I wanted to be talked down. Not by just anyone because of course everyone would prevent me killing myself but selfishly I want to know what my best friend would say if I said I want to die and not as a joke. Because they did tell me back then when they're still in a hard place, and confided to me about what's going on even in recovery. Why can't I tell them the same thing? They could help me with finding a therapist as well maybe idk where I was going with this

 

[draw a circle]

Hello to people who have replied to this thread. I've pondered over this for a while, and decided not to tell them. I couldn't risk triggering them and driving them away from me, although if I failed it would probably happen anyway. I don't intend on telling anyone else as well. I had some letters prepared, but isn't sure if I'm gonna be able to send it to their intended recipients. Anyhow, I decided to go quietly and quickly. Thanks for all the response.