Should I start using drugs?

[Minas]

My dream is to kill myself in a very bloody, painful way, and not... feel fear or terror of any kind. I already self harm, and... as much as i try to learn to enjoy all the suffering that comes in my way, I just can't. I can't ever start feeling okay with it, For some reason i was never able to feel any sort of permanent, true happiness with getting hurt.

I wanted my death to feel good, I wanted to start accepting my own suffering, and what better way to do that than to learn to see pain as a good thing i should desire?

It's just like that post of "methods you shouldn't try" said. My stupid brain is hard wired to prevent me from killing myself like this, it just won't let me hurt myself further.

But if i begin taking drugs... I can circumvent that, can't I?

 

[3AM]

Have you tried making friends? finding people who'll understand you? Don't self-harm; if you want to accept your suffering, then learn to live in this painful, difficult life. And no, don't start taking drugs; it will make you feel good in the beginning, but soon you'll enter the sadness comfort zone where only your body will relax, but it will fuck you mentally and physicaly; it will make your life more miserable and sad. I know my words mean nothing to you, but just think about it; you can change your life and make it better.

 

[Minas]

I do have friends, but i am aware that i will lose them in the future with how unlucky i am. I am also trying to prepare myself for that so it won't hurt as bad. I'm not talking friendship ending or something like that, more like one of them getting killed... I'm scared of that too. So scared i am sure it will happen.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

So you plan on only using drugs right before you ctb (to help cope with the fear) or do you plan on usually them regularly prior to it? If the answer is the latter, then I feel like that's a poor coping mechanism that can easily lead to more suffering real quick. Even in cases in which people use non-addictive drugs, such as cannabis, to cope, they can still end up developing a psychological addiction to it (they are psychologically dependent on it, rather than physically dependent on it. It's similar to what is seen in cases of video game addiction). Pleasure isn't a constant. It's meant to be short and fleeting because those feelings evolved as a way to motivate our ancestors to survive. There is no true constant state of happiness. Drugs won't fix your problems.

I'm not saying this to demonize all drugs either, btw. Drugs can be useful and some can even provide great psychological benefits, but that's only under the guise that they are being used properly and for the right reasons. Using drugs to cope with emotional issues isn't good and can end up creating more suffering, especially long-term.

 

[Minas]

So you plan on only using drugs right before you ctb (to help cope with the fear) or do you plan on usually them regularly prior to it? If the answer is the latter, then I feel like that's a poor coping mechanism that can easily lead to more suffering real quick. Even in cases in which people use non-addictive drugs, such as cannabis, to cope, they can still end up developing a psychological addiction to it (they are psychologically dependent on it, rather than physically dependent on it. It's similar to what is seen in cases of video game addiction). Pleasure isn't a constant. It's meant to be short and fleeting because those feelings evolved as a way to motivate our ancestors to survive. There is no true constant state of happiness. Drugs won't fix your problems.

I'm not saying this to demonize all drugs either, btw. Drugs can be useful and some can even provide great psychological benefits, but that's only under the guise that they are being used properly and for the right reasons. Using drugs to cope with emotional issues isn't good and can end up creating more suffering, especially long-term.

I only wanted to use them right before self harming to get rid of that instinctual barrier that prevents me from going further, but i am willing to use it more times beforehand if needed... Whatever will help me start finding the pain to be a good thing. If i have to destroy and restructure my brain with drugs for it to be possible, then so be it.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I only wanted to use them right before self harming to get rid of that instinctual barrier that prevents me from going further, but i am willing to use it more times beforehand if needed... Whatever will help me start finding the pain to be a good thing. If i have to destroy and restructure my brain with drugs for it to be possible, then so be it.

That's a very bad reason to start doing drugs. That instinctual barrier is there for a reason. A lot of people who partake in more severe forms of self-harm typically tend to stand against others trying it for a reason. Issues, such as a significant increased risk of infection to even causing permanent injury, are some of the many issues associated with it. Those drugs also likely won't help you to start finding pain to be a good thing. You'll likely come out of it still hating pain.

 

[Minas]

That's a very bad reason to start doing drugs. That instinctual barrier is there for a reason. A lot of people who partake in more severe forms of self-harm typically tend to stand against others trying it for a reason. Issues, such as a significant increased risk of infection to even causing permanent injury, are some of the many issues associated with it. Those drugs also likely won't help you to start finding pain to be a good thing. You'll likely come out of it still hating pain.

Oh c'mon now, you're telling me i can't put myself in a state of psychosis or something to help me do it? Seriously? That's just not possible?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Oh c'mon now, you're telling me i can't put myself in a state of psychosis or something to help me do it? Seriously? That's just not possible?

What drugs do you even plan on taking that'll cause you to go into a state of psychosis?

 

[Minas]

I don't know, i never used them... what drugs causes psychosis?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I don't know, i never used them... what drugs causes psychosis?

Look, you shouldn't be using drugs for SH purposes, let alone should you even be doing them if you have no knowledge of them and can't even bothered with researching anything about them.

You'll never start feeling okay with SH, even if you start doing drug. That permanent state of true happiness doesn't exist. Happiness is temporary.

 

[Minas]

Look, you shouldn't be using drugs for SH purposes, let alone should you even be doing them if you have no knowledge of them and can't even bothered with researching anything about them.

You'll never start feeling okay with SH, even if you start doing drug. That permanent state of true happiness doesn't exist. Happiness is temporary.

... I... I don't think i should use drugs then.

But i still won't stop feeling pain. I can't do anything to stop other people from hurting me, I constantly feel like someone will kill me. It's inevitable, I can't do anything to prevent someone from hurting me... so what's wrong with trying to make it something "good" to prepare for when it happens? I don't wish to die feeling more fear.

 

[dinosavr]

I don't know, i never used them... what drugs causes psychosis?

Psychosis is not something you can use to control your fears or other emotions, or at least you can't count on it. Life's not a movie. Illegal drugs are also highly addictive, so even if it helped, it would soon cause you financial problems and physical health issues.
Have you seen a doctor though? Have you tried any legitimate meds? They often work really well.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

... I... I don't think i should use drugs then.

But i still won't stop feeling pain. I can't do anything to stop other people from hurting me, I constantly feel like someone will kill me. It's inevitable, I can't do anything to prevent someone from hurting me... so what's wrong with trying to make it something "good" to prepare for when it happens? I don't wish to die feeling more fear.

The thing is, you aren't doing anything good. This isn't going to prepare you for shit. You literally want to take drugs for the purpose of going into a syate of psychosis, which will end up doing the opposite of what you want and cause you more fear. That's like if I were to decide to break both my legs in response to on of my arms being in pain. I'm not doing something good, I'm just worsening my situation. If you already have issues with constantly fearing others harming you or even killing you then I don't know how doing drugs, let alone for the sake of inducing an onset of psychosis, will help you in that regards.

Have you tried seeing a professional about this? These types of fears you are describing aren't normal (at least assuming that you don't have any actual threats around) and are even sometimes associated with certain psychiatric conditions. Taking a bunch of random drugs will likely only worsen the state that you are in, not improve it.