Should I make up with my mum before I ctb? Will likely be going ahead this weekend

[areyousafe??]

I need some advice as to whether I should make up with my mum before I ctb.

Some background - I had an unhappy childhood. I had the typical Asian authoritarian parenting ("my way or the highway", no effort to foster the child's sense of autonomy or self worth etc) but I also grew up in a Western country, so I saw the difference between other kids and me. My dad was long term unemployed, he also has a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and this made it difficult for my mum because she was pretty much raising my sister and I on her own. There were instances of domestic violence (towards each other), my mum would hit my dad repeatedly with a big wooden stick due to her frustration in not being supported in any way, I would run to my room and hide and try to drown out the noise. When these memories come to my mind I try to think of something else. When my dad experiences a schizophrenic episode, he thinks (or claims to think) that my mum is trying to murder him. Constant arguments, a few times the police became involved, they both attended court and an AVO was issued. It was an unhappy environment to grow up in, but they never wanted to divorce due to financial reasons and to "save face".

I tried moving out of the family home in my 30s, but my mum didn't let me move out and I was not an assertive person. She didn't like the idea of me renting and wanted me to pay a deposit to own a home. Like always, what I wanted, what my desires were were ignored because my opinion was and is irrelevant. I finally managed to put down a deposit in which my mum and grandma contributed towards the deposit. Nice, right? I was grateful that they contributed towards the deposit, thinking it was out of love. She threw a hissy fit when she saw that I wasn't going to offer her a set of keys (they provided me with two when I brought the property). I gave in, apologised for being so inconsiderate, and offered her and my grandma a set of keys each. I wanted my own keys to my own apartment. She now shows up at my apartment if I don't respond to her messages within 30 minutes (at one time, 2 in the fucking morning when I was sick and nauseous and did not want to deal with her). I do not have privacy in my own fucking apartment. A week ago, she showed up, was polite enough to knock on the door this time, and demanded to be let in because I hadn't responded to her message she sent 20 minutes ago.

My sister was wise enough to move to a different state as soon as she was in a financial position to do so.

What doesn't sit well with me is that the only reason I was brought into this world was to be someone else's retirement investment. My mum is constantly complaining about how we owe her, we need to look after her when she is old, she is resentful that she has not been given any money from my sister etc.

These past few months I have been feeling a lot of resentment towards my family in general. I don't like spending time with them and they don't understand boundaries (tried explaining boundaries to my mum the other day, she told me there is no such thing as boundaries because we are family). I have been feeling a lot of anger that none of my emotional needs were met. I cannot help but snap whenever I am around them.

I asked my mum why she constantly puts me down, laughs at me, and never has anything positive to say about me. Apparently this is the way Asian parents "show love".

My mum messaged me today asking me to contact Centrelink to put my dad in a nursing home. My dad is on injections for his illness, he has not taken it for a week, and is starting to feel sick, probably due to this. I pointed out to her that as she is being paid carers allowance, she should be looking after dad and not allowing this to happen. I also pointed out that she should not be claiming grandma is paying rent to her (she isn't) in order to get more benefits, which is technically Centrelink fraud. She said that she is disappointed in me and I haven't heard from her since.

I have been on Sasu a lot these last couple of months. I have my SN, I have Metoclopramide and Ibuprofen and will be using Doxylamine for the sedatives if I go ahead this weekend. I'm considering waiting for the benzos (Valium) which should arrive in about a weeks time. My SI is strong and I'm hoping the benzos will help, but I feel I'm ready to leave this weekend.

I don't want to end things on a bad note with my mum because this will be her last memory of me.

WWYD?

 

[platypus77]

I asked my mum why she constantly puts me down, laughs at me, and never has anything positive to say about me. Apparently this is the way Asian parents "show love".

Yep, pretty much my own experience.
They seem unable to display any kind of affection, and I was resentful of it until adulthood.
My parents had way worse than me, like extreme poverty.
My moms dad suffered from schizophrenia, and my dads dad was alcoholic, they had pretty terrible childhoods.
I've came to know the place where they grew up, I was completely shocked about how bad it was.
I realized my parents did their best, and honestly they actually did a pretty good job considering their background. So by the time I became and adult I already had forgiven them.
My advise is to at least try to make up with your mom, good or bad, she will miss you and certainly will grieve your loss.
Forgot to say: I also hate to spend time with my parents, but it doesn't mean I don't love them. I think it's ok to feel this way.

 

[areyousafe??]

Yep, pretty much my own experience.
They seem unable to display any kind of affection, and I was resentful of it until adulthood.
My parents had way worse than me, like extreme poverty.
My moms dad suffered from schizophrenia, and my dads dad was alcoholic, they had pretty terrible childhoods.
I've came to know the place where they grew up, I was completely shocked about how bad it was.
I realized my parents did their best, and honestly they actually did a pretty good job considering their background. So by the time I became and adult I already had forgiven them.
My advise is to at least try to make up with your mom, good or bad, she will miss you and certainly will grieve your loss.
Forgot to say: I also hate to spend time with my parents, but it doesn't mean I don't love them. I think it's ok to feel this way.

I've only started to develop anger for about past year or so. Everytime I spend time with her, I can't help but feel angry at the things she says or does. I end up snapping at her. I fear that if I attempt to make up, I will just end up snapping, even though I try not to.

 

[JohnIgnis]

First of all, I'm sorry about everything. And yeah, I would "make up" with her. And by "make up," I mean it's about high time I let her know my frustration about everything, and I mean everything that comes to mind. Maybe shout out all the feelings inside and just let everything out, whatever comes naturally. There's got to be a lot I want to tell her so maybe I'll write out all the things I want to tell her. I think writing everything down from the very first pain she dealt to you helps be prepared when you finally confront her. Whatever the outcome of this or how she would react to this shouldn't really matter now, what's important is you just let out all the frustration. It's easier said than done, because I also have a lot of things I want to tell my parents, but I feel like I couldn't do it. But anyway, this is only what I would do if I were you. I'm sorry again. I hope you'll feel better soon.

 

[platypus77]

I can relate with the anger, and I've experienced the same feelings almost every time I'm with my mom.
Maybe you could try writing a letter or recording an audio and just send it to her, this way you'll be in complete control of the message.

 

[areyousafe??]

First of all, I'm sorry about everything. And yeah, I would "make up" with her. And by "make up," I mean it's about high time I let her know my frustration about everything, and I mean everything that comes to mind. Maybe shout out all the feelings inside and just let everything out, whatever comes naturally. There's got to be a lot I want to tell her so maybe I'll write out all the things I want to tell her. I think writing everything down from the very first pain she dealt to you helps be prepared when you finally confront her. Whatever the outcome of this or how she would react to this shouldn't really matter now, what's important is you just let out all the frustration. It's easier said than done, because I also have a lot of things I want to tell my parents, but I feel like I couldn't do it. But anyway, this is only what I would do if I were you. I'm sorry again. I hope you'll feel better soon.

I used to let her walk all over me. I had my opinions and frustrations, but kept them to myself. I have only recently started to express these to her, and it is pissing her off to hear that I don't agree with her views. I try to hold back what I want to vent, but it seems to come out whenever there is contact with my family.

I have so much I want to be able to vent to some person irl, but I find it hard to explain Asian culture. There's a sub on Reddit (r/AsianParentStories) that people go to vent but I wished I could speak to someone irl. Or have someone like the Sasu members I have come across, to speak to and not knowing what I can or can't speak about without being hospitalised.

My mood has lifted after everyone replied tonight to my post. Thank you so much for your message, it means a lot.