Help Should I kill myself before college?

[m3nhera]

(I'm 18, high school senior) I keep changing my mind about whether I want to live or not and I feel like I keep getting signs I should kill myself. But at the same time I don't want to die in my current pathetic state. I have goals I want to complete. But what about a compromise of trying as hard as I can to complete my goals, and then I can kill myself in August? But I don't know, dying before even going to college seems kinda sad. But at the same time, it's better than dying DURING the semester. The end of summer break is a perfect window for a "clean" death, doing it before high school graduation or during college is messy in my mind. And during summer break I'll still want to go out with friends and try and find a job and such, so the end is the best time. If I don't kill myself in August, there's not gonna be a clean window until the first year of college is over. Also, I want to achieve my goals but I have no motivation to since it's hard for me to look forward to/enjoy most things. But, if I knew I could ctb in August anyway, it would push me to really try and achieve my goals, because if I don't, I don't earn the reward. That's one of the only, if not the only thing that feels rewarding to me given my current circumstances. Please feel free to let me know in replies, nobody is encouraging anything, but rather regardless of what anyone says, it's to hopefully minimize suffering. It's still my choice at the end of the day so don't be afraid to be honest if it's really better to just die before then(or at least try to). Might also post this in the other section too so replies aren't biased and can be looked at from all perspectives.

 

[Chito and Yuuri]

Look, if you can do it, I'd recommend staying alive up to college starting and once college starts you absolutely bear hug it and stay till the very end, where even when you'd graduate you'd have a degree and you might as well put it to good use. However, if you decide to end up killing yourself anyway before college, then unfortunately I can't stop you from there. I hope you find peace, and try to keep my recommendation in mind.

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I feel like the best 4 years of my life were in college. It's genuinely an opportunity for things to change. I had a girlfriend, I had a built in friend group, I had a future I was working towards. Things that feel alien to me before and after I went. It won't fix everything, but it's genuinely worth a try.

 

[m3nhera]

I feel like the best 4 years of my life were in college. It's genuinely an opportunity for things to change. I had a girlfriend, I had a built in friend group, I had a future I was working towards. Things that feel alien to me before and after I went. It won't fix everything, but it's genuinely worth a try.

Did you still live with your parents during college though? Because that is a HUGE factor, I can't move out anytime soon due to financial reasons and so it doesn't really matter who I meet there or the things I experience because I'm still stuck living with the people who abused me for years and I'll never be happy in that case.

Look, if you can do it, I'd recommend staying alive up to college starting and once college starts you absolutely bear hug it and stay till the very end, where even when you'd graduate you'd have a degree and you might as well put it to good use. However, if you decide to end up killing yourself anyway before college, then unfortunately I can't stop you from there. I hope you find peace, and try to keep my recommendation in mind.

I'll keep it in mind. I'm just not sure if it's worth it.

 

[lapislazu]

My honest advice is to stick it out, at least for a while. And this is coming from someone who actually had an awful time in college, but I still think there is a huge benefit to going and seeing what happens. College can be an immense turning point in people's lives. I saw some of my friends' whole lives change for the better. It's not like things will magically change, but it's a great place for opportunity, whether that's through new friends, new hobbies, or just a change of pace from the life you are currently living. I don't think the merit of these statements changes if you live at home. There is still a world of opportunity for you to explore. I totally agree with your standpoint of "minimizing suffering" - I wouldn't be giving you this advice if I thought I would be encouraging you to live on without the chance of things getting better. I just genuinely believe things can change positively in college.

 

[Red.one]

For a long time collage was a thing that gave me a sense and energy to keep going. I had a misfortune that Covid happened, and online studying crushed me and my motivation.

I recommend going on and picking subject that you like, not the "this paper can give me job and money".
Doing something that gives you satisfaction and getting knowledge about something you love is much more beneficial than "oh, it's a good job opportunity".

But please, don't let the all around the world belief about friendships appearing out of nowhere, just because you're at college get to you. It's not as easy as people paint it.

 

[m3nhera]

My honest advice is to stick it out, at least for a while. And this is coming from someone who actually had an awful time in college, but I still think there is a huge benefit to going and seeing what happens. College can be an immense turning point in people's lives. I saw some of my friends' whole lives change for the better. It's not like things will magically change, but it's a great place for opportunity, whether that's through new friends, new hobbies, or just a change of pace from the life you are currently living. I don't think the merit of these statements changes if you live at home. There is still a world of opportunity for you to explore. I totally agree with your standpoint of "minimizing suffering" - I wouldn't be giving you this advice if I thought I would be encouraging you to live on without the chance of things getting better. I just genuinely believe things can change positively in college.

I'll probably stick it out, if it really sucks you'll probably see a post about it from me in like a year LMAO.

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

Did you still live with your parents during college though? Because that is a HUGE factor, I can't move out anytime soon due to financial reasons and so it doesn't really matter who I meet there or the things I experience because I'm still stuck living with the people who abused me for years and I'll never be happy in that case.

I'll keep it in mind. I'm just not sure if it's worth it.

Yeah I didn't have to live with my parents which was definitely a big bonus. But, idk. I didn't spend a ton of time in my room cause I was so busy with classes and stuff so maybe that could be helpful to you? I still think it's a real opportunity for change. But living with your abusive parents def does not sound good. Does your school offer any financial aid for room and board? You could talk to the administrators, explain the situation with your parents, and try to get their incomes disregarded for financial aid, it's a thought.