should i get sober again if i don’t want to live??

[nembutal]

early 2023 i took a flight to israel for a rehab program after losing my boyfriend to fent. i was there for 11 months when they told me it would be 2. i came back this january after self sabotaging a piss test, imagine placing a chronically suicidal person in a cage without their hedonistic coping methods. it felt like hell and i wanted out.

home isn't any better. i became a sex worker to fund my hedonism and fell down a drug hole. i've been on heroin for around three months now. around the two month mark i stopped nodding entirely and was only copping so i wouldn't be sick. today i realized my supply is weaker than my last batch so ive been slowly WDing. i swear to god the last time i tried to cold turkey i almost drowned myself in the tub, it was so exhausting it forces your brain into a deeper level of pessimism only attained by that type of desperation.

i confessed to my mother, i don't see a point of being secretive anymore. the combination of anorexia B/P and heroin use has crippled me, im slowly deteriorating. i dont have the energy to walk down the stairs, my legs shake.

coupled with the chronic debilitating suicidality i dont know if its even worth taking another shot at trying to care for myself. i am so used to visualizing suicide as an option that i don't think i could fight for myself even if given a second chance.

 

[sugarb]

Even if you have zero intention of recovering getting sober is probably the better choice. If nothing else being less inebriated in mind/body will make it much easier to make and carry out a CTB plan.

also- I'm sorry you're going through all this, nem. I hope things get better one way or another

 

[It'sNotLookingGood]

You must get sober.

You've been taking heroin for 3 months.
The nodding has already stopped.

You will never achieve the same high again now.
The days of nodding out and laying there in bliss are gone.

Each time you take heroin, it will feel less good than the last time.
So you'll take more.
And it still won't feel as good.

The high will start lasting a shorter and shorter time.

Eventually, there will be almost no high at all.

But you'll enter withdrawls if you stop taking it.

And now you're doing heroin, not because it offers relief, but because you'll be sick if you don't.

_

Now you're back to suffering, just the same as it was before, but you also have a heroin addiction to maintain with at the same time.

Your desire for heroin will outweigh everything, even your desire to die.

It will become your only priority, and you will do anything to get it. You will do awful things that your sober mind would never even consider possible, would never have even conceived.


_

How ever bad things were, you just made them worse.

You've still alive, and you've piled misery on top of misery; as if that was ever going to fix a single solitary thing.


Whatever you want to achieve in life - even if that is to die - heroin will block from happening.


_

I say all this with love, as someone who wishes to prevent you from going through the same awful experiences that I have myself.

You might not believe me, or you might not care anyway.
When people tried to stop me, I didn't care.
I thought I was suffering so much, that I didn't care how badly I fell into substance abuse.
It took me hitting rock bottom to even start to want to change. But by this point, I'd already dug myself into a very deep hole.

I'm still in that hole.

Give it a couple of years of active addiction - at most! - and you will agree with me.
Although I pray that you don't need to fall quite as deep down the rabbit hole as I have, before coming to your senses.


Sending strength and love <3

 

[TheGoodGuy]

You will never achieve the same high again now.
The days of nodding out and laying there in bliss are gone.

Each time you take heroin, it will feel less good than the last time.

Since we are on the subject I just feel compelled to show this video, anyone who have had addiciton will understand it It´s pretty deep

 

[Hadès]

You should probably get sober, ask you the question if it was someone else like a friend or someone you appreciate would you want to have their quality of life improved ? To get healthier in general or simply struggle less in life ?

It's often said that people who consume drugs are the one who's need are never fulfilled, you need support and true support... From professional to assist you in your way and most of all of your friends and by friends I mean those that lift you up and not down by leading you to bad decisions... If none match this criteria you are better alone than with weight dragging you down.

Things are not easy, you know it yourself and they never will but you can make them easier, I certainly don't know you and I will most likely never have the chance to but I believe in you to get better, and don't be afraid to fail, as long as you try you always win and don't be afraid to disappoint too, this always happen but nobody deserve to because they don't know you and you can't be disappointed in yourself because your emotions will blind you.

If you feel lonely on this journey even if it's almost nothing there's someone that count on you out there and that want you to succeed, life takes time but this will change.

early 2023 i took a flight to israel for a rehab program after losing my boyfriend to fent. i was there for 11 months when they told me it would be 2. i came back this january after self sabotaging a piss test, imagine placing a chronically suicidal person in a cage without their hedonistic coping methods. it felt like hell and i wanted out.

home isn't any better. i became a sex worker to fund my hedonism and fell down a drug hole. i've been on heroin for around three months now. around the two month mark i stopped nodding entirely and was only copping so i wouldn't be sick. today i realized my supply is weaker than my last batch so ive been slowly WDing. i swear to god the last time i tried to cold turkey i almost drowned myself in the tub, it was so exhausting it forces your brain into a deeper level of pessimism only attained by that type of desperation.

i confessed to my mother, i don't see a point of being secretive anymore. the combination of anorexia B/P and heroin use has crippled me, im slowly deteriorating. i dont have the energy to walk down the stairs, my legs shake.

coupled with the chronic debilitating suicidality i dont know if its even worth taking another shot at trying to care for myself. i am so used to visualizing suicide as an option that i don't think i could fight for myself even if given a second chance.

 

[WhatMightHaveBeen]

early 2023 i took a flight to israel for a rehab program after losing my boyfriend to fent. i was there for 11 months when they told me it would be 2. i came back this january after self sabotaging a piss test, imagine placing a chronically suicidal person in a cage without their hedonistic coping methods. it felt like hell and i wanted out.

home isn't any better. i became a sex worker to fund my hedonism and fell down a drug hole. i've been on heroin for around three months now. around the two month mark i stopped nodding entirely and was only copping so i wouldn't be sick. today i realized my supply is weaker than my last batch so ive been slowly WDing. i swear to god the last time i tried to cold turkey i almost drowned myself in the tub, it was so exhausting it forces your brain into a deeper level of pessimism only attained by that type of desperation.

i confessed to my mother, i don't see a point of being secretive anymore. the combination of anorexia B/P and heroin use has crippled me, im slowly deteriorating. i dont have the energy to walk down the stairs, my legs shake.

coupled with the chronic debilitating suicidality i dont know if its even worth taking another shot at trying to care for myself. i am so used to visualizing suicide as an option that i don't think i could fight for myself even if given a second chance.

Apparently I'm going to be in the minority here, but I personally wouldn't get sober. In a world where suicide is the only smart choice, seeking as much euphoria as possible -- even in a "self-destructive" way -- just makes sense to me. I'm going to wring as much bliss as possible from this cruel existence before going out as peacefully as possible on my own terms. I myself am a stimulant addict and I plan to go out after one last binge followed up by an opioid overdose. From what I've been told by numerous people on a site devoted to drug harm reduction, there simply is no more peaceful way to go: loss of consciousness and then breathing slows to a halt. What does scare me is getting any nausea and vomiting first to destroy my peaceful exit.

 

[Hadès]

early 2023 i took a flight to israel for a rehab program after losing my boyfriend to fent. i was there for 11 months when they told me it would be 2. i came back this january after self sabotaging a piss test, imagine placing a chronically suicidal person in a cage without their hedonistic coping methods. it felt like hell and i wanted out.

home isn't any better. i became a sex worker to fund my hedonism and fell down a drug hole. i've been on heroin for around three months now. around the two month mark i stopped nodding entirely and was only copping so i wouldn't be sick. today i realized my supply is weaker than my last batch so ive been slowly WDing. i swear to god the last time i tried to cold turkey i almost drowned myself in the tub, it was so exhausting it forces your brain into a deeper level of pessimism only attained by that type of desperation.

i confessed to my mother, i don't see a point of being secretive anymore. the combination of anorexia B/P and heroin use has crippled me, im slowly deteriorating. i dont have the energy to walk down the stairs, my legs shake.

coupled with the chronic debilitating suicidality i dont know if its even worth taking another shot at trying to care for myself. i am so used to visualizing suicide as an option that i don't think i could fight for myself even if given a second chance.

Hope you are doing better, take care of yourself :)

 

[Hadès]

early 2023 i took a flight to israel for a rehab program after losing my boyfriend to fent. i was there for 11 months when they told me it would be 2. i came back this january after self sabotaging a piss test, imagine placing a chronically suicidal person in a cage without their hedonistic coping methods. it felt like hell and i wanted out.

home isn't any better. i became a sex worker to fund my hedonism and fell down a drug hole. i've been on heroin for around three months now. around the two month mark i stopped nodding entirely and was only copping so i wouldn't be sick. today i realized my supply is weaker than my last batch so ive been slowly WDing. i swear to god the last time i tried to cold turkey i almost drowned myself in the tub, it was so exhausting it forces your brain into a deeper level of pessimism only attained by that type of desperation.

i confessed to my mother, i don't see a point of being secretive anymore. the combination of anorexia B/P and heroin use has crippled me, im slowly deteriorating. i dont have the energy to walk down the stairs, my legs shake.

coupled with the chronic debilitating suicidality i dont know if its even worth taking another shot at trying to care for myself. i am so used to visualizing suicide as an option that i don't think i could fight for myself even if given a second chance.

I'm kinda worried, almost 2 weeks since this last post...
Hope you're still with us, hope you are at least ok...