Sorry for bad english but I need to vent because I am suicidal again. First of all, I resent my parents for birthing me into this world. Especially, my mother who doesn't care about me, and I don't give a damn either! She won't stop gossiping about me because I don't last long in my job. She always keep comparing me to my friends who now have a better job than me. One time, I stopped looking for a job and was really depressed. I had this small argument with my mother and she told me not to eat. So I didn't eat and never came out of my room for 7 days. I was waiting that she'd get worried that I'll die of starvation but I never heard her knock my door, not even once! At that time, I was contemplating suicide and attempt to hanged myself but I failed because I am a coward and afraid of pain. Hanging is hard, starvation is hard, so is dehydration.
I also hate my father. I've got many bad memories from him. I am lesbian and I had all the attention. I remember he always scolding me for simple things. Like when I wanted to use my bike but I couldn't because I'm not a boy. Like when he asked me to look at the mirror because I am ugly.. and do some household chores instead of watching TV... that I was lazy.
When I was in high school, I never had real friends. Some classmates only made friends with me out of pity. I always eat alone in canteen during lunch. I never talked to my classmates. I was a closet lesbian. Even though they're asking me if I'm lesbian..I keep saying no. I tried hard. I tried really hard to talked like a woman, walked like a woman, even though it was very hard.. and because of that, I was bullied... All of that I had endured for 4 years. It was a disaster.. Everytime I got home, I was angry. I always fought with my siblings to release all the anger I had felt inside.
So when my father retired in 2017, my parents moved in to province with me.. hoping that I would get a job. Yes indeed I got a job, but I work 12 hours, and 7 days a week. No rest! But one day, I met a gay man in a small store. I fell in love. She became my girlfriend. But my mother ruined my life. She doesn't like her at all because she was poor. So my mother asked her to leave me and because of that she left me. I had a fight with my mother.. I threw my phone.. while my father seems like he didn't care and asked me to moved out instead. In my mind, I want to move but I couldn't because I have no money. Verbally, he support me.. but don't initiate to give me a single coin even though he has money. What's worse, he act like he cares when he don't.
My final hope is my degree and my ex girlfriend whom i love. But I still lack the skills to pursue the job. Due to my depression and trauma in life I could not follow the job from my degree. My goal if I don't kill myself right now .. is to self study and master the skill, save money, move out, get the high paying job.. get my ex girlfriend back..live with her.. then at the right time, commit suicide when I have enough money to buy nembutal.. but again I am depressed, unmotivated, and dumb, which is a big hindrance to my goal.
So many times I contemplated suicide even when I was younger. I was a coward like a masochist willing to get screwed every single day. Even until today... my life is a mess. My girlfriend left me.. I am poor. I feel alienated.. I don't belong here. I wanted out but I couldn't. This life.. I can't take this anymore. I am full of pain. I have a tent and contemplating charcoal suicide.. the easiest way I believe. The other method is drown myself in the ocean and never get found. Even if I don't kill myself today, I will still kill myself someday. So should I do it right away.. or delay?
I also hate my father. I've got many bad memories from him. I am lesbian and I had all the attention. I remember he always scolding me for simple things. Like when I wanted to use my bike but I couldn't because I'm not a boy. Like when he asked me to look at the mirror because I am ugly.. and do some household chores instead of watching TV... that I was lazy.
When I was in high school, I never had real friends. Some classmates only made friends with me out of pity. I always eat alone in canteen during lunch. I never talked to my classmates. I was a closet lesbian. Even though they're asking me if I'm lesbian..I keep saying no. I tried hard. I tried really hard to talked like a woman, walked like a woman, even though it was very hard.. and because of that, I was bullied... All of that I had endured for 4 years. It was a disaster.. Everytime I got home, I was angry. I always fought with my siblings to release all the anger I had felt inside.
So when my father retired in 2017, my parents moved in to province with me.. hoping that I would get a job. Yes indeed I got a job, but I work 12 hours, and 7 days a week. No rest! But one day, I met a gay man in a small store. I fell in love. She became my girlfriend. But my mother ruined my life. She doesn't like her at all because she was poor. So my mother asked her to leave me and because of that she left me. I had a fight with my mother.. I threw my phone.. while my father seems like he didn't care and asked me to moved out instead. In my mind, I want to move but I couldn't because I have no money. Verbally, he support me.. but don't initiate to give me a single coin even though he has money. What's worse, he act like he cares when he don't.
My final hope is my degree and my ex girlfriend whom i love. But I still lack the skills to pursue the job. Due to my depression and trauma in life I could not follow the job from my degree. My goal if I don't kill myself right now .. is to self study and master the skill, save money, move out, get the high paying job.. get my ex girlfriend back..live with her.. then at the right time, commit suicide when I have enough money to buy nembutal.. but again I am depressed, unmotivated, and dumb, which is a big hindrance to my goal.
So many times I contemplated suicide even when I was younger. I was a coward like a masochist willing to get screwed every single day. Even until today... my life is a mess. My girlfriend left me.. I am poor. I feel alienated.. I don't belong here. I wanted out but I couldn't. This life.. I can't take this anymore. I am full of pain. I have a tent and contemplating charcoal suicide.. the easiest way I believe. The other method is drown myself in the ocean and never get found. Even if I don't kill myself today, I will still kill myself someday. So should I do it right away.. or delay?
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