Help Should I change therapist?

[notwhereIbelong]

inb4 "therapy is useless and you shouldn't try it", no need to say it

This got a bit long, I'm sorry

So, I've had the same therapist for something like, three maybe four years? I've lost count, but I do remember that I got referred to her by my old psychiatrist. She mainly focuses on trauma processing, we've done a lot of EMDR (which, after all this time, I'm still not sure how it's supposed to work?). Thing is, I don't feel like I've been making any progress. Sure, I did process my trauma a bit, and I "got over" some stuff, but for the rest, I'm not doing so great. I don't think I need to get too much into it, the fact that I'm here on SS, and was about to purchase SN should say enough.
I've also never been able to be truly open with her, I've never told her anything about my self harm, how deep my self hatred truly goes, my suicidal ideation, my eating disorder (although I think she's suspected that one, judging by her worrying about my weight), and various other negative behaviours of mine such as chain smoking and excessive drinking. I'm not sure why I never told her, part of it was for fear of being hospitalized, part of it was my general trust issues. Because of me never being fully honest with her, I also know that it's partially my fault if I don't feel the therapy to be effective; but I'm always scared of disappointing her if I were to confess any of these things.
I've been skipping appointments, I haven't seen her in a couple of months at least, and now I've been thinking if it would be better to start fresh with a new therapist, who perhaps has a different approach? (As in, not EMDR but focusing more on how I can become more "functional"?)
At the same time, I don't know how open I could be with a new therapist either, the fear of being hospitalized is always there, even just for mentioning SH or my ED. And again, I'm scared of disappointing my current therapist for wanting to drop her, even though I'm pretty sure I've already done that...

I'm also aware that a lot of therapists just, suck, I've had a REALLY bad one in the past that made a lot of stuff worse, but now I should be able to recognize an awful therapist and switch immediately, should something like that happen again

As for *why* would I even want to bother with therapy again, is that there's still a tiny bit of me in the corner that wonders if maybe "this time will be the time" that I can finally manage to change something and get better (there have already been many such moments in the past, and they've all gone tragically, and yet this part of me refuses to just let fucking go, so I'm stuck having to listen to her and stay alive)

 

[SoftWorries]

Yeah totally. If you can find someone you're a better match with. Different people can give you a completely new perspective. I've never seen the same psychologist for more than a year or so.

 

[msocks]

As you said there are several different approaches to therapy. EMDR worked for my sister's trauma pretty well but if it's not working for you now it might be time to make a switch.

Maybe have a frank conversation with her that the sessions aren't helping anymore and ask if she has any suggestions or can refer you to someone that specializes in another approach that might work.

The therapist is working for you, if you aren't getting what you need there should be no hard feelings for you going to another provider. If she's a professional and cares at all she won't hold it against you to follow a different path.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Essentially what @msocks said.

iI've also never been able to be truly open with her, I've never told her anything about my self harm, how deep my self hatred truly goes, my suicidal ideation, my eating disorder (although I think she's suspected that one, judging by her worrying about my weight), and various other negative behaviours of mine such as chain smoking and excessive drinking. I'm not sure why I never told her, part of it was for fear of being hospitalized, part of it was my general trust issues. Because of me never being fully honest with her, I also know that it's partially my fault if I don't feel the therapy to be effective; but I'm always scared of disappointing her if I were to confess any of these things.

Having a conversation with the therapist could be very beneficial. If you feel like you're not making progress, or if there are things you're afraid/ashamed to tell her, then there's a communication problem. Being scared of disappointing her means you two have managed to build a relationship, which is a good sign. But the end goal of the relationship is to work through the issues you're facing. If your current therapist is a professional, she's not going to be disappointed in you or judge you for any behaviours or thoughts you share with her, no matter how unhealthy they might be.

That being said, I know what it's like to hold things back because you're worried about what your therapist will think or say. I was there at one point, feeling like I wasn't making any progress because there were things that I needed to address but couldn't bring myself to tell my therapist. I ended up having a conversation with her about it, and the way she handled it increased my trust in her. Now I'm a lot more likely to bring up subjects that I wouldn't want to discuss with anyone else.

I've been skipping appointments, I haven't seen her in a couple of months at least, and now I've been thinking if it would be better to start fresh with a new therapist, who perhaps has a different approach? (As in, not EMDR but focusing more on how I can become more "functional"?)

Talking to your current therapist would be a good idea for this as well. You are interested in "becoming more functional" and that clashes with her focus on trauma processing, but she might be able to shift gears and help you with "functioning" if you talk to her about it. And, if she can't, she will know that your current needs can't be met by her and it might be time to try with someone else. If that ends up being the case, she might be able to, based on what she knows about you already, refer you to someone who'd be a better fit. Either way, it's a win.

And again, I'm scared of disappointing my current therapist for wanting to drop her, even though I'm pretty sure I've already done that...

I understand this is a concern, but a professional therapist will absolutely understand this. What's important is that the therapy is beneficial to the patient. If a therapist knows they can't be of help any more, they will have no problem recommending someone who is better equipped to do so.

I'm also aware that a lot of therapists just, suck, I've had a REALLY bad one in the past that made a lot of stuff worse, but now I should be able to recognize an awful therapist and switch immediately, should something like that happen again

Yes, unfortunately this is very true. Some people have no business being therapists, and are more likely to make things worse for a patient than they are to help. Sometimes they're just inexperienced, or incompetent. A few of them are outright malicious. In any case, if you feel like a therapist is not a good fit for you, it's best to move on. Your mental health, time, and money shouldn't be left in the hands of an incompetent or malicious actor.

 

[alyayoun]

I've had a similar experience with two different therapists. I just can't share things and ended up lying to her so many times and still couldn't tell her things after years. I don't think therapy is ever going to help me, so i stopped going. You should try a new one and tell them what you didn't like abiut the previous therapist, but consider therapy might not be for you and you should try a different type of help.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

Kind of an update I guess? Mostly for me I think

I've kept the same therapist, but I'm trying to be a bit more open with her. I haven't said anything explicit yet, but I'm still trying my best to convey my feelings.
More importantly I finally have a new psychiatrist, whom I was honest with, right on the first meeting. The only thing I didn't mention is my ED but I'll get to it, I just didn't find it to be relevant at the time, but now that I have a new medication that increases my appetite (aripripazole) I think I'll have to.
Even more important, I'm feeling pretty.. okay? I don't have an urge to kill myself at the moment, and I'm actually taking steps towards a future. Even though they're still relatively vague, it's weird to have plans for the future, I'm not used to it. I'm trying not to be too hopeful, I've been knocked down hard before, when I thought things were going okay, so I don't wanna be too disappointed in case stuff goes bad again. I'm also making the effort of leaving the house on my own at least once a week. Things like showering and cleaning up are still hard though.
The only thing that keeps giving me trouble is my ED but that's just what having an ED is like, no breaks allowed

I'm praying everything doesn't go to shit again, and the universe will let me have something for once

 

[HappyCat]

Kind of an update I guess? Mostly for me I think

I've kept the same therapist, but I'm trying to be a bit more open with her. I haven't said anything explicit yet, but I'm still trying my best to convey my feelings.
More importantly I finally have a new psychiatrist, whom I was honest with, right on the first meeting. The only thing I didn't mention is my ED but I'll get to it, I just didn't find it to be relevant at the time, but now that I have a new medication that increases my appetite (aripripazole) I think I'll have to.
Even more important, I'm feeling pretty.. okay? I don't have an urge to kill myself at the moment, and I'm actually taking steps towards a future. Even though they're still relatively vague, it's weird to have plans for the future, I'm not used to it. I'm trying not to be too hopeful, I've been knocked down hard before, when I thought things were going okay, so I don't wanna be too disappointed in case stuff goes bad again. I'm also making the effort of leaving the house on my own at least once a week. Things like showering and cleaning up are still hard though.
The only thing that keeps giving me trouble is my ED but that's just what having an ED is like, no breaks allowed

I'm praying everything doesn't go to shit again, and the universe will let me have something for once

If you ever feel like you should change a therapist I highly encourage it. I wish you a well and bright future, take care. <3

 

[Remeer]

You could tell the therapist how you feel about the work they have done with you, they still need feedback on what they do
You mentioned it but I mention it again: the cure or improvement depends on the patient and the healer, if you see that you do not do your part completely, you may not improve, on the other hand, if you treat and do not see progress, then the problem is the healer
I don't know what to recommend, maybe a break from that, you've been with therapy for many years, it must be exhausting
Greetings, be well

 

[FungusButler]

After some consideration, I think I have nothing of value to add to this thread, I just felt the need to admit that every time I read "ED" I thought of "Erectile Dysfunction" until the very end.

I am a very intelligent SS user. Have a good day.

 

[tarabole]

I've had about 5 different therapists, 2 have been extremely good/right match. If you don't feel it's a good match you should definitely feel empowered to try someone else.

 

[Worndown]

You have to give them a little time, but if you feel they are not reading you, try another.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

Well that was very short lived, but enjoyable. I feel like shit again
Of course CTB is still off the table as I've made plans for the future so

Didn't expect the thread to get this much attention, thanks for all the replies, I will continue discussing the situation with my therapist as overall she is a very capable woman who knows her job, just needs more communication from my part

After some consideration, I think I have nothing of value to add to this thread, I just felt the need to admit that every time I read "ED" I thought of "Erectile Dysfunction" until the very end.

I am a very intelligent SS user. Have a good day.

lol I was afraid someone might read it like that, I should really start spelling "eating disorder" rather than abbreviating