Venting SHOPLIFTING stories and a very long rumination on crushing guilt

[JinZhin]

I have a terrible thing to confess. Or at least I feel like it is terrible. I at least I used to feel it was terrible.
a quick disclaimer: If I see someone shoplifting food/medicine, I didn't see anyone shoplifting and you should too. That type of thing has nothing to do with this story.

When I was 14-15, for a period of couple of months , I used to shoplift things I never needed.

Never being truly dirt poor to the point of being starving and homeless or in need of massive amount of cash, so there was no actual need to resort to that.

I also had no history of ever doing anything 'bad', risky or exciting or acting out in general. Up until then (now that I think about it after, as well) I never drank, smoked, did drugs, went to parties/clubs, hanged out with suspicious people, had a boyfriend, got into trouble with the law or just...well just nothing. I was a bookworm, nerd, very polite, soft-spoken and had straight A's
I wondered 'Why?'. I still ask myself 'Why?'. Is there even a reason?

Nevertheless, I did it tens, likely even hundreds of times, stealing stuff I didn't need and that I'd end up dropping off at park benches/libraries/under random desks/ giving away to homeless people. I was so close to getting caught so many times.

Getting caught. Honestly, I wonder HOW on earth I managed to get away with all of that and when I think back it is absolutely crazy and baffling when i think back how collected and calculating I must have been, how I to managed avoiding people from loss prevention and security guard while I'm usually the most unobservant and slowest person ever, how I'd do it with at a lighting speed whilst have reflexes of a dead horse . Point being, I have no idea how on earth I managed to pull off that crazy shit and it makes me shudder now
Being white probably helped but whatever

I remember Just the thought of ever getting caught used to make me shake in fear and not sleep at night s, I used to shiver and ruminate on in and not sleep for nights.
The shame, the guilt I used to feel, and still feel is something I can only describe as the most intense thing I've ever ever felt, the sensation of burden that heavy that pulls one downwards and crushes you with such an immense and unbearable weight. It's huge, larger than life and anything you can think of.

Ever since early childhood, I think I have been obsessed with guilt and shame. Like feeling my own existence was a mistake, a cross I had to bear until I die, feeling that I mustn't do anything or I'll be judged by some higher entity or those who have more power I do (luckily I was never religious) , feeling I take up too much space while I was never even remotely big, feeling like I mustn't be too loud when people regularly had to lean in in order to hear what I was saying...No matter what.

The reason I stopped, is, well, I just woke up one morning and there was nothing left other than this huge pile of guilt. I couldn't look up, I couldn't talk, I couldn't eat and it was probably the first time I felt this strong, ACHING to die and wipe my own existence of this planet. It was as if i reached a limit on how much I can degrade myself

It was in a way, like leading a double life, on one side, there was the blank, pure white, boring 'me', an empty page, known by nobody, that would do nothing, and on other side, the filthy, repulsive person, a fucking kleptomaniac who would commit irrational crimes, it was a horrible thing to do.

What I feared the most is most likely existence of someone who'd get to know both of them and see how truly despicable,dysfunctional and deranged I am. I regret it, if there's anything that I want to erase about myself, it'd be this. It's been over six years since I hadn't done it, and I still feel terrible about it. I've never...told this to anyone. I have been journaling for years and I could never bear to write those things, not because I was afraid someone would read it, but because whenever I meant to, I'd end up paralyzed, unable to keep on thinking, unable to move as if was being crushed by a huge rock. Because i wanted to die. I would have rather died that write it down or telling it someone, even telling it to myself, in my own thoughts, felt impossible. I want to die.

And t, think, after all this, the other day I thought to myself about doing it again because "My life is a black hole, a bottomless pit of emptiness and I want to feel something and it's all pointless anyways" - even though that's not true, . what one feels at a moment feels like absolute truth, because, well, that is nature of emotion. But I won't do it. Because I'm know I couldn't bear it. Because holding myself back is probably the only thing I've learned to be truly good at.


I really hate myself . I want to die. I deserve to die already. Rant over. I apologize to anyone who read this nonsensical mesh, I took too many sleeping pills again english is not my first language and all's kinda hazy now, I wish you a good day and all


tl; dr: I used to shoplift when I was in high school, never spoke to a soul about it and years later I feel unceasing guilt and remorse

 

[Angi]

From the outside, your confession does not sound so bad to me. Sure, you must not steal, but ultimately, you probably have not hurt anyone. That does not make it any easier for you, I would guess... Could it be the compulsion that came with it that makes it so particularily painful to you? Anyways, I would like to send you a hug, and say that I think it is ok you got away with it.

That said, many of the things you said resonated with me, so much I am still shaking:

The shame, the guilt I used to feel, and still feel is something I can only describe as the most intense thing I've ever ever felt, the sensation of burden that heavy that pulls one downwards and crushes you with such an immense and unbearable weight. It's huge, larger than life and anything you can think of.

Ever since early childhood, I think I have been obsessed with guilt and shame. Like feeling my own existence was a mistake, a cross I had to bear until I die, feeling that I mustn't do anything or I'll be judged by some higher entity or those who have more power I do (luckily I was never religious) , feeling I take up too much space while I was never even remotely big, feeling like I mustn't be too loud when people regularly had to lean in in order to hear what I was saying...No matter what.


What I feared the most is most likely existence of someone who'd get to know both of them and see how truly despicable,dysfunctional and deranged I am.

"My life is a black hole, a bottomless pit of emptiness and I want to feel something and it's all pointless anyways" - even though that's not true, . what one feels at a moment feels like absolute truth, because, well, that is nature of emotion.


I really hate myself . I want to die. I deserve to die already.

Yes. All of this. I wish I knew why. Can someone please figure out how to fix this?

 

[Pluto]

I had a brief stint stealing things at that same age. I don't feel good about it, but the flip side is that I've ended up noted as one of the most honest people. It would be better if we learned through the mentoring of proper role models rather than through trial and error like that, but what to do?

Regarding the crushing guilt, I get this too. It relates to childhood abuse. It is a reflection of how we were treated in childhood, and the way our brains internalise guilt and toxic shame in response to being treated like our feelings don't matter.

I will add one thing: I have a friend with similar guilt issues and one thing we both have in common is being extremely dedicated at work. I presume this is because we are always overcompensating for feelings of inferiority, unworthiness or imposter syndrome. So at least it carries a hidden superpower. Beyond that, I don't know of any cure through my experience, so it is a matter of managing the situation.

 

[JinZhin]

Yes. All of this. I wish I knew why. Can someone please figure out how to fix this?

I'm sorry you've experienced this too. It's just plain terrible. I don't know if there is any solution.

I can only share my experience or what I think the reason is(?):
I feel like it has to do with me perceiving very early in life (talking like 3 or 4 years old) that I was 'almost' unwanted beastard child, result of an affair that would never work as a longer relationship let alone marriage (yet my parents married out obligation and split up quickly after) and it's like I "took it wayyy too personally" as I feel 90% of my mental problems stem from knowing (again, I was not abused nor told anything like that, just picked up on it) for a fact and overthinking that I was simply 'an accident'

Knowing all that rationally did nothing except...Just, well knowing it.

 

[LastFlowers]

From the outside, your confession does not sound so bad to me.

Yea, I am pretty sure most people have shoplifted a thing or two in their lives, especially when young, and usually for no valid reason besides "why not", I've done the same (with various justifications) but only a handful of times and for such stupid little things, not worth the risk (they take shoplifting very seriously these days, some people will act as if you raped or murdered someone..and you will end up all over the internet if someone takes out their phone to videotape you).
Theft (especially excluding priceless personal items of an individual or stealing from a small business) is really not that bad AT ALL to me, I've had so many people tell me they've shoplifted, it's just like "oh yea of course you have lol, who cares".
I'm sorry OP is struggling with guilt but I find it to be rather unfounded, which probably just makes it all the more burdensome (I deal with a similar phenomenon but not regarding shoplifting).

(To OP) I could never get away with it tens or hundreds of times though, Jesus.
Idk how you managed that one, white or not.
People follow me around in stores these days even when I'm long past the point of stealing anything, but that is probably because of the way I look, I don't act suspicious at all, yet they are always targeting me (not every time, but too often to be a coincidence).
I stopped dead as I stood in front of the shelves one time and just turned to stare the employee down (who was following me), she was not a very good actor..trying to move things aimlessly along the shelving and looking down at her phone with a blank stare.
Another couple of times I would walk around the whole store-in mindless circles- to see what lengths they would go to in spying on me lol, fucking assholes.

I really hope you can manage to release this undeserved guilt OP, you haven't even done it in years and if someone were to really think that much less of you for shoplifting as a teenager, then they probably aren't the type of person you want to be around anyhow.
Those who understand what truly despicable acts are, also understand that not all crimes are equal and/or indicative of someone being "bad" or untrustworthy.
The fact that you feel so intensely awful about doing this is evidence to me that you are not a terrible person and should cut yourself a break if possible.
People have done far worse and do not shed a single tear or sweat droplet over it, that's half the reason some of us are here, I can't think of many common scenarios where your own crime-as described-would bring about another person's demise to the point that someone such as yourself should want to kill themselves (or die) over it.
I don't mean to discount your own feelings on the matter, but I think you can rest assured that the amount of self-flagellation that is being had is out of balance with the actions that led to it.

 

[Angi]

Regarding the crushing guilt, I get this too. It relates to childhood abuse. It is a reflection of how we were treated in childhood, and the way our brains internalise guilt and toxic shame in response to being treated like our feelings don't matter.

Fucked up by childhood abuse. Of course. I tend to forget I might be a functioning human being if brought up by such.
I meant to "like" your comment, because it is helpful, but I cannot, I hate its content too much. Good thing we have the "informative" button, which bypasses the issue.

Nice to think of dedication as my superpower. Yes, indeed, I used to be very dedicated at everything I touched, and usually successful, right until ptsd showed up in my life and ate me. I wish I could manage myself back there... Any experience?

JinZhin, you sound like you are blaming yourself for taking "being an unwanted child" too personally. I am sure letting a child feel it was unwanted counts as abuse. I cannot think of a way to convey this message that would not shake a child. Serveral of the people closest to me were "accidents", but it makes a substantial difference if they were welcomed as a blessing or resented for making life more difficult. One lets you grow up with the love a child deserves, the other does not.

 

[JinZhin]

(To OP) I could never get away with it tens or hundreds of times though, Jesus.

I...don't know myself. It's CRAZY to me because irl I'm clumsy and trip over my own feet and I just don't f***g know it was like being possessed by something or chasing the adrenaline high
I'm your 'average thin white female in plain AF clothes' and not the first person to be suspected. But I've had instances of guards following me and managed to get out of it, have no idea how the hell

People follow me around in stores these days even when I'm long past the point of stealing anything, but that is probably because of the way I look, I don't act suspicious at all, yet they are always targeting me (not every time, but too often to be a coincidence).

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, it's stupid, and it must be painful to always be doubted for something so arbitrary and our stories only go to show that you can't and shouldn't judge a book by its cover but people will always do it :/

I want to thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you're experiencing issues with guilt, as I've said, it truly is terrible and I'm completely at loss at what can be done about it.

I still don't feel like my guilt is undeserved- I did things I'm not proud of and I have to live with that.

Nice to think of dedication as my superpower. Yes, indeed, I used to be very dedicated at everything I touched, and usually successful, right until ptsd showed up in my life and ate me. I wish I could manage myself back there... Any experience?

I was full on overachiever at everything until uni, learning bunch of languages, juggling jobs with school and all, now I'm barely scraping by and it will take me 2 years to finish 1 year's worth of university credits. I may even ctb as I don't want to deal with more failure. I'm not sure if this is relatable, but I'm truly sorry you're going through it. It's very, very painful not being able to achieve what you used to.

Serveral of the people closest to me were "accidents", but it makes a substantial difference if they were welcomed as a blessing or resented for making life more difficult. One lets you grow up with the love a child deserves, the other does not.

I am going to sound nitpicky, but growing up, I got told I was welcomed and wanted and loved and some people in my family really gave their all and I believe they did truly love me, but quickly I realized not all things that people say can be trusted just like that.

I whitnessed women in my family being abused and beaten, the ugly arguments, people saying things thinking that I wouldn't understand or notice- it was just too great amount of dissonance to deal with,
I concluded I must be lied to as nothing was making sense to me anymore, so I just shut off completely and gave in to despair ~_~

 

[LADY007]

I have a terrible thing to confess. Or at least I feel like it is terrible. I at least I used to feel it was terrible.
a quick disclaimer: If I see someone shoplifting food/medicine, I didn't see anyone shoplifting and you should too. That type of thing has nothing to do with this story.

When I was 14-15, for a period of couple of months , I used to shoplift things I never needed.

Never being truly dirt poor to the point of being starving and homeless or in need of massive amount of cash, so there was no actual need to resort to that.

I also had no history of ever doing anything 'bad', risky or exciting or acting out in general. Up until then (now that I think about it after, as well) I never drank, smoked, did drugs, went to parties/clubs, hanged out with suspicious people, had a boyfriend, got into trouble with the law or just...well just nothing. I was a bookworm, nerd, very polite, soft-spoken and had straight A's
I wondered 'Why?'. I still ask myself 'Why?'. Is there even a reason?

Nevertheless, I did it tens, likely even hundreds of times, stealing stuff I didn't need and that I'd end up dropping off at park benches/libraries/under random desks/ giving away to homeless people. I was so close to getting caught so many times.

Getting caught. Honestly, I wonder HOW on earth I managed to get away with all of that and when I think back it is absolutely crazy and baffling when i think back how collected and calculating I must have been, how I to managed avoiding people from loss prevention and security guard while I'm usually the most unobservant and slowest person ever, how I'd do it with at a lighting speed whilst have reflexes of a dead horse . Point being, I have no idea how on earth I managed to pull off that crazy shit and it makes me shudder now
Being white probably helped but whatever

I remember Just the thought of ever getting caught used to make me shake in fear and not sleep at night s, I used to shiver and ruminate on in and not sleep for nights.
The shame, the guilt I used to feel, and still feel is something I can only describe as the most intense thing I've ever ever felt, the sensation of burden that heavy that pulls one downwards and crushes you with such an immense and unbearable weight. It's huge, larger than life and anything you can think of.

Ever since early childhood, I think I have been obsessed with guilt and shame. Like feeling my own existence was a mistake, a cross I had to bear until I die, feeling that I mustn't do anything or I'll be judged by some higher entity or those who have more power I do (luckily I was never religious) , feeling I take up too much space while I was never even remotely big, feeling like I mustn't be too loud when people regularly had to lean in in order to hear what I was saying...No matter what.

The reason I stopped, is, well, I just woke up one morning and there was nothing left other than this huge pile of guilt. I couldn't look up, I couldn't talk, I couldn't eat and it was probably the first time I felt this strong, ACHING to die and wipe my own existence of this planet. It was as if i reached a limit on how much I can degrade myself

It was in a way, like leading a double life, on one side, there was the blank, pure white, boring 'me', an empty page, known by nobody, that would do nothing, and on other side, the filthy, repulsive person, a fucking kleptomaniac who would commit irrational crimes, it was a horrible thing to do.

What I feared the most is most likely existence of someone who'd get to know both of them and see how truly despicable,dysfunctional and deranged I am. I regret it, if there's anything that I want to erase about myself, it'd be this. It's been over six years since I hadn't done it, and I still feel terrible about it. I've never...told this to anyone. I have been journaling for years and I could never bear to write those things, not because I was afraid someone would read it, but because whenever I meant to, I'd end up paralyzed, unable to keep on thinking, unable to move as if was being crushed by a huge rock. Because i wanted to die. I would have rather died that write it down or telling it someone, even telling it to myself, in my own thoughts, felt impossible. I want to die.

And t, think, after all this, the other day I thought to myself about doing it again because "My life is a black hole, a bottomless pit of emptiness and I want to feel something and it's all pointless anyways" - even though that's not true, . what one feels at a moment feels like absolute truth, because, well, that is nature of emotion. But I won't do it. Because I'm know I couldn't bear it. Because holding myself back is probably the only thing I've learned to be truly good at.


I really hate myself . I want to die. I deserve to die already. Rant over. I apologize to anyone who read this nonsensical mesh, I took too many sleeping pills again english is not my first language and all's kinda hazy now, I wish you a good day and all


tl; dr: I used to shoplift when I was in high school, never spoke to a soul about it and years later I feel unceasing guilt and remorse

Please stop punishing yourself !! You are part of a very large club. There are millions of people who were dared by friends as l was to steal something and not get caught. We had very little money when I was a pre-teen and I remember stealing a couple white blouses. OK.. It was wrong but you are reacting like we killed people. Don't apologize for ranting because something very unfair is making you feel too terrible about it. You are very worthy of forgiving yourself. It sounds to me like stealing was a way of trying to ELIMINATE this EMPTY FEELING AND TO "FEEL SOMETHING". That emptiness can feel very strong and very painful. I know because I have had it myself and have been desperate to get rid of it. You need not fear being judged as "horrible" because there are loads of people who read what you did and calmly said to themselves "yup.. I did that too". Hope this helps!!

 

[LastFlowers]

I also had no history of ever doing anything 'bad', risky or exciting or acting out in general. Up until then (now that I think about it after, as well) I never drank, smoked, did drugs, went to parties/clubs, hanged out with suspicious people, had a boyfriend, got into trouble with the law or just...well just nothing. I was a bookworm, nerd, very polite, soft-spoken and had straight A's
I wondered 'Why?'. I still ask myself 'Why?'. Is there even a reason?

Just wanted to add that this paragraph could very easily describe me (at the time) as well...Not to make light of the situation but I guess shoplifting is for everybody! lol

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, it's stupid, and it must be painful to always be doubted for something so arbitrary and our stories only go to show that you can't and shouldn't judge a book by its cover but people will always do it :/

I want to thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you're experiencing issues with guilt, as I've said, it truly is terrible and I'm completely at loss at what can be done about it.

I still don't feel like my guilt is undeserved- I did things I'm not proud of and I have to live with that.

Thank you for your own kind words as well.

If you've been feeling this way for so long then I'm sure it will take more than a few of us here to convince you it's undeserved, but even if it is against your own values, you make the choice every day to abstain from doing it again, and you have not been easy on yourself about it, surely that is all punishment enough and you have learned from the mistakes you are not proud of, most people can't even manage to do that.

 

[Pluto]

Nice to think of dedication as my superpower. Yes, indeed, I used to be very dedicated at everything I touched, and usually successful, right until ptsd showed up in my life and ate me. I wish I could manage myself back there... Any experience?

Sorry to hear you have been going through this. I know how frustrating it can be trying to battle these demons endlessly. When I speak of the mind of the child internalising shame and self-blame in response to neglect, this is something that happens by itself and in the aftermath, it is a matter of managing the situation.

As far as my experience goes, the most potent DIY strategy to my knowledge involves detaching from the conditioned mind and being a witness to it. A young woman made a clever comic that summarises this process. (link) If this resonates with you, the full Eckhart Tolle audiobook which it is derived from can be found here. It is not a book with much intellectual content, as its purpose is to put the listener into a higher state of consciousness. As such, I have read/listened to it many dozens of times over the the past couple of decades.

Aside from that, I'm always here for you if you want to vent or have any questions. Helping others is the only thing that makes my own life worthwhile.

 

[JinZhin]

Please stop punishing yourself !! You are part of a very large club. There are millions of people who were dared by friends as l was to steal something and not get caught. We had very little money when I was a pre-teen and I remember stealing a couple white blouses. OK.. It was wrong but you are reacting like we killed people.

I don't really judge people who shoplift/ed, almost at all. I do judge myself because that's what I feel. It may be irrational but it do be like that. I also never had friends who'd dare me to do it and it was way more than 'couple of times'...

Don't apologize for ranting because something very unfair is making you feel too terrible about it. You are very worthy of forgiving yourself. It sounds to me like stealing was a way of trying to ELIMINATE this EMPTY FEELING AND TO "FEEL SOMETHING". That emptiness can feel very strong and very painful. I know because I have had it myself and have been desperate to get rid of it. You need not fear being judged as "horrible" because there are loads of people who read what you did and calmly said to themselves "yup.. I did that too". Hope this helps!!

Thank you fo being so kind. I couldn't cope with many things in my life back then and that was probably part of the reason why. I remember one of my college professors in psych course ranting how common petty thefts are among young teens.

 

[JinZhin]

I remembered that I had posted this thread, and one important(?) thing I should have shared is this masterpiece I accidentally found on youtube, as I was looking through stuff about kleptomania and compulsive behaviour, guess I wasn't sure if that was a 'thing' or I was just weird, but here it is!