Venting Shift in mood after ordering SN

[Sea Turtle]

So, I ordered SN a couple days ago, but it was from a source YMA I got from another user here a while ago… and I think it is legitimate as they have communicated with me after I have paid, and said user had previously purchased from them. I won't know for sure until it's shipped (I asked for delayed delivery as I have a tight window of when I can receive it), but I have a good feeling about it all, generally at least.

I don't really know how I've been feeling since then, I honestly feel like a huge melting pot of every emotion in the book. I remember reading that people feel that sense of relief having gotten it, but that's just one of the far too many things I feel now. I feel like I'm ready to go, counting down the days, but I can't handle this concoction of numb, hurt, sad, angry, anxious, paranoid for this long … I hate not having anyone who understands. I hate not being able to just talk about this like normal human beings with others. I hate how people feel the need to play white knight hero if they knew. I wish people understood. I just feel so lost and I really need people who understand right now… sorry for the rant. I love you all and wish you all the best. Hopefully I'll sort all this out by next month … but for now, I just really hope I get it. I need to have that comfort and have my life truly in my control… I wish people understood. I can't talk about this anywhere else …

 

[OldDrummer]

Same here. Within days, my void-like depression lifted, leaving me with just (just!) physical and financial issues.

Wouldn't be my ideal way of cbt'ing, however.

 

[Chiisai]

So, I ordered SN a couple days ago, but it was from a source YMA I got from another user here a while ago… and I think it is legitimate as they have communicated with me after I have paid, and said user had previously purchased from them. I won't know for sure until it's shipped (I asked for delayed delivery as I have a tight window of when I can receive it), but I have a good feeling about it all, generally at least.

I don't really know how I've been feeling since then, I honestly feel like a huge melting pot of every emotion in the book. I remember reading that people feel that sense of relief having gotten it, but that's just one of the far too many things I feel now. I feel like I'm ready to go, counting down the days, but I can't handle this concoction of numb, hurt, sad, angry, anxious, paranoid for this long … I hate not having anyone who understands. I hate not being able to just talk about this like normal human beings with others. I hate how people feel the need to play white knight hero if they knew. I wish people understood. I just feel so lost and I really need people who understand right now… sorry for the rant. I love you all and wish you all the best. Hopefully I'll sort all this out by next month … but for now, I just really hope I get it. I need to have that comfort and have my life truly in my control… I wish people understood. I can't talk about this anywhere else …

I feel you. After knowing and having my way out, I felt relieved too. It felt like I finally got control of my life back. I wish you the best in whatever path you take.

 

[Sea Turtle]

Thank you guys. It helps immensely just to be heard and know that I'm not alone in this. It's funny how it simultaneously gives great relief, but really doesn't take away wanting to CTB either. I guess we'll see how I feel once I actually have my hands on it. I wish you both the absolute best as well

 

[FuneralCry]

I do wish we lived in a world where suicide is not so stigmatised and our right to die is respected and people could talk openly about ctb. I'm sorry for all the pain that has brought you to this point. I wish you the best in whatever happens.