She was abusive, so why do I miss her?

[Water-Lily]

I've only been working for 3 days. I start again on Monday

At the end of yesterdays shift, I was reflecting on my mom during dismissal. Seeing parents come to pick up their children with smiles on their faces (specifically mothers) made me reflect on my own mom. Even though I can see how narcissistic and fake she was (how she'd treat me at home v how she'd treat me in public) I still remember smiling whenever she'd come to pick me up. Even when I didn't properly understand the impact of all the abuse at the time

I still, hoped she'd come to "pick me up" even though I wouldnt want anything to do with her anymore understandably. But I still miss her, even though she did some really bad things to me that I will never "get over". And it's because I miss her knowing the impact of all the abuse that has me feeling even more ashamed. Like, how dare I miss her when she's done so much bad?

 

[Pluto]

There's an easy explanation for this: attachment. It's certainly normal for us to get attached to parents as children, but certain parental behaviours can make the attachment more intense and more toxic.

There was an experiment done in the '50s by one A.E. Fischer. He had three groups of puppies. The first, he was consistently affectionate towards. The second, he ignored. The third, he was randomly affectionate or unaffectionate. It was found that bonding was strongest in the third group.

In the same way, people who are hard to get, give us mixed signals or intermittent rewards are the most addictive. It sounds like the sort of manipulative trick that narcissists would perform to control us, but it might also just be a result of them being the classic street angel, house devil.

 

[Water-Lily]

There's an easy explanation for this: attachment. It's certainly normal for us to get attached to parents as children, but certain parental behaviours can make the attachment more intense and more toxic.

There was an experiment done in the '50s by one A.E. Fischer. He had three groups of puppies. The first, he was consistently affectionate towards. The second, he ignored. The third, he was randomly affectionate or unaffectionate. It was found that bonding was strongest in the third group.

In the same way, people who are hard to get, give us mixed signals or intermittent rewards are the most addictive. It sounds like the sort of manipulative trick that narcissists would perform to control us, but it might also just be a result of them being the classic street angel, house devil.

This was a very engaging article. Described my mom to a tea

Everything was projection. Everything she said about me and my dad (and others) were all about projection of her own self hate

Makes me also reflect on this visual novel I've been playing. One of the main girls is asked "do you love your mother?". And she never knows how to feel. Some days her mother is kind to her. Others, she tells her she wished she wasn't born. You can tell she loves her mom, and maybe her mom cares to some degree but it isn't expressed in a healthy way clearly

Sometimes I wonder if my mom even had an ounce of love for me. I don't know. I don't know if the positive moments were genuine and if there was even love in there at all. I want to believe there was, but I don't know

 

[Spiritual survivor]

Look up trauma bonding and narcissism and there's video's explaining why it's hard to get over some people even if they abused u. Especially if u were intimate with them but can be your parent too. They are the first to traumatize u if they were abusive.

 

[Water-Lily]

Look up trauma bonding and narcissism and there's video's explaining why it's hard to get over some people even if they abused u. Especially if u were intimate with them but can be your parent too. They are the first to traumatize u if they were abusive.

I think it's harder because, well, it's my mom

Is what I'm feeling all or just trauma bond then? Can there never be move attatched to it?

Maybe it's because I'm still living at home I'm "trauma bonded" and haven't managed to go no contact with my family yet….

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I think it's harder because, well, it's my mom

Is what I'm feeling all or just trauma bond then? Can there never be move attatched to it?

How long ago has it been since she has been gone? Over time u will probably be able to get passed it.

 

[Water-Lily]

How long ago has it been since she has been gone? Over time u will probably be able to get passed it.

It's been 4 years. She died when I was just going to turn 21

 

[Spiritual survivor]

It's been 4 years. She died when I was just going to turn 21

I can recommend a YouTube channel I just discovered. It's called Narc Daily. Those should help u understand more what u are dealing with and how to move on. The guy's name is Andrew. He does a video each day and they are very therapeutic. U will learn a lot. Good luck