Venting she came back

[SectOfValtiel]

well
maybe thats not the best way to say it, but
after years and years of no contact, she messaged me
the girl i loved and lost messaged me
and she was hopeful... she was nice... turns out we have the same diagnosis and it sounds like shes been having some success in learning about and controlling it
turns out she doesnt hate me, hasnt forgotten about me entirely
dont know why but, she doesnt
and it really, really, really makes me happy to hear from her again
enough so even my therapist made a comment my tone of voice made it sound like i was doing better, just like when i first met her... but idk if he connected the dots on why there tbh
like shit maybe he should have been more concerned?

im not sure how i should feel
fuck me i missed her, being able to talk to her again is something i never ever expected
we said we forgave eachother, cause especially with this diagnosis we can both look back and know we didnt mean it- we both did such awful things to eachother
i got to apologize again like i always wanted
but ive been watching what i say because
im still extremely in love with her haha its an overpowering feeling fr
constantly deleting shit ive started to type or taking hours to respond because i dont want to say the wrong thing
i dont want to accidentally say 'i love you' again even though same as always everything inside me is screaming it

ive spent so many of these past years working towards getting over her
it never worked, not even a bit, but one thing i did get over is thinking we'd ever be together again
its not happening no matter how much i want it to
theres so many reasons it cant
i have no reason to think she still loves me, either... its a wonder why she even messaged me again
we forgive eachother maybe but i sure dont forgive myself lmao
*she* may be getting better but ive barely even started trying to be, she has all this hope that both of us will make it but i think that hope is wasted on me
and i dont want to let myself hurt her again, i dont even want the chance to disappoint her but i know i will
i said before that if something like this happened id probably ignore her for her own sake but
god i missed her too much, i should have known i wouldnt have the strength for that

idk what to do, what to feel
i think just talking to her is going to end up ruining her life just like before
right now it feels so much like it did when we first met- talking about all these things weve been through and being supportive towards one another
shes exactly the person i fell in love with right now, the person i convinced myself didnt ever really exist, but here she is again
it makes me want to cry so badly
im so happy but im so scared to fuck things up *even if* things never can go back to how they were
idk what she intends here, but... if she wants a friend in me i know full well i cant do that
if its just a conversation, idk, i hope she blocks me before things go bad
im glad things are civil now but idk how long that will last, maybe im just pessimistic
it took me years to realize her leaving was the best decision she could have made
ive even tried to tell her a few times that its not a good idea to be talking to me right now, but she just seems to move right past that
like she has all this hope i can be a good person or get better or whatever
and to be fair, yeah, a lot of what i feel about myself is the BPD talking, but still
i dont want to hurt her
im so scared that somehow ill manage to again
couldnt keep any of my promises back then, why would things change now?



theres... also the possibility shes on this website, i never found out if she was or not, and shes smart
she'd know it was me the second she started reading this haha its why ive been reluctant to vent even though i know i want to
dont really know what to say if she is
just
im being genuine, there are much better people than me out there, so
whatever capacity im in your life- whether its just a conversation, whether its as friends or whether its as something more again down the road
i hope you take what i say seriously because its the truth
please just dont give me a chance to hurt you again

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I wish, more than anything, that I could say similar words to this. I would give every worldly possession to have one chance to make things right.

Please, please understand how lucky you are right now. And please just do one thing.
Be calm. Think this through. Do not let your emotions overwhelm you if at all possible.

Enjoy the conversation for what it is. If a chance develops to take things further, be calm, be thoughtful, be realistic.

I would give anything for a second chance. You might have one here. Step up to it. Be the best you can be.

I genuinely, wholeheartedly, even through the jealousy, wish you the very best.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I wish, more than anything, that I could say similar words to this. I would give every worldly possession to have one chance to make things right.

Please, please understand how lucky you are right now. And please just do one thing.
Be calm. Think this through. Do not let your emotions overwhelm you if at all possible.

Enjoy the conversation for what it is. If a chance develops to take things further, be calm, be thoughtful, be realistic.

I would give anything for a second chance. You might have one here. Step up to it. Be the best you can be.

I genuinely, wholeheartedly, even through the jealousy, wish you the very best.

trust me when i say i know what you mean, i was in that position just last week after all
would have given anything for this chance and now that its here... i know fully well how lucky i am, youre right
and i hope you get that chance one day too

yeah
im trying my best, its just that my best has let me and many others down in the past, her included
but calm isnt even my default mood... im thinking about it *too* much... all i can do is be realistic
all i can do is keep doing my best and hope its enough this time

thank you, genuinely that means a lot

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

trust me when i say i know what you mean, i was in that position just last week after all
would have given anything for this chance and now that its here... i know fully well how lucky i am, youre right
and i hope you get that chance one day too

yeah
im trying my best, its just that my best has let me and many others down in the past, her included
but calm isnt even my default mood... im thinking about it *too* much... all i can do is be realistic
all i can do is keep doing my best and hope its enough this time

thank you, genuinely that means a lot

I fear I will never get my chance. I wasn't able to be calm when I needed to be. My emotions got the better of me, and I made bad decisions. I would give anything to be able to go back and slap myself, and just be patient.

Believe in yourself. You can do this. You know you have flaws, but you want to be better. So do the best you can to be better.

I believe in you. And I'm rooting for you. One step at a time. Slowly, thoughtfully, carefully. You can do it!