Deardaddy
Student
- May 20, 2019
- 172
I am not good in writing so I make it really brief.
I got news of my dear mum's stage 4 cancer during Oct 2019,0% survival rate and 1-3 years to live. Suffered depression , before was already one. Took Xanax , valium to make myself better.
During Jan I tripped , on those meds or depression Idk . I forgot totally who I was , I could only remember I died and did something like hacking the death code. I was in a state of madness, my friend told me I was mad behaving like a 5yr old.
I cried when my father wanted to take me to eat. Regards to the death code , I told by a light figure ,In my state I have to enter the door to the other world ,however I cannot do it and kind of betray myself I'm not dead. All this experiences are very strong , very clear, I even have memories of me being close to Jesus.
Jesus was someone very close to me yet held highly . Sometimes I became an eagle. All this are all hillucinations. After so when I came to my senses , I wasnt in my 100% clear state. I goggled lucid dreaming because the experiences are too real to me .
However what make me wanted to ctb is because I cried to my mum often like a child and asked her for forgiveness for ctb before her (still v strong memories). I remember doing this really often. My friends say it was becasue of excessive benzos valium . But I think that's only part of it depression comes w it. serotonin levels was at 5% no kidding , all day. No even a min or so my ctb desires are lessen .
Coming forward aug . My mum's had a few pain attacks, I am living as a actor everyday. I wanted to quit my job but I can't let them sniff anything out of me. I plan to ctb after or immediately once my mums gone . I can't do it while she's suffering and me adding to her grief. I had to lied and acted as if nothing happen . But under everyone's nose im gearing into my ctb mode.
Light or day is hell . Because only night when my eyes are closed I find real peace. Morning is hell ,depression the moment my eyes open . perhaps why some of you are feeling suicidal at some point in life ,but something's the feelings gone, becasue your serotonin level are low when u are feeling suicidal. I think we should have a thread on serotonin . Its a chemical that makes us happy when high and low when suicidal.
If at those tripped or madness I wanted to ctb . I wanted to say , sorry mum for being selfish once in my life, no words to describe .
Sry , u can skip the hullinations part . The leaving before my mum crying like a baby made my decision to ctb right after her death. I don't know if I can make it . There is no definite answers, she wants me to live happy and go holidays but no I'm inside dead as of now , I can't cope already . I'm not on any meds , ctb level are higher in the day and lower at night but never stops .
I got news of my dear mum's stage 4 cancer during Oct 2019,0% survival rate and 1-3 years to live. Suffered depression , before was already one. Took Xanax , valium to make myself better.
During Jan I tripped , on those meds or depression Idk . I forgot totally who I was , I could only remember I died and did something like hacking the death code. I was in a state of madness, my friend told me I was mad behaving like a 5yr old.
I cried when my father wanted to take me to eat. Regards to the death code , I told by a light figure ,In my state I have to enter the door to the other world ,however I cannot do it and kind of betray myself I'm not dead. All this experiences are very strong , very clear, I even have memories of me being close to Jesus.
Jesus was someone very close to me yet held highly . Sometimes I became an eagle. All this are all hillucinations. After so when I came to my senses , I wasnt in my 100% clear state. I goggled lucid dreaming because the experiences are too real to me .
However what make me wanted to ctb is because I cried to my mum often like a child and asked her for forgiveness for ctb before her (still v strong memories). I remember doing this really often. My friends say it was becasue of excessive benzos valium . But I think that's only part of it depression comes w it. serotonin levels was at 5% no kidding , all day. No even a min or so my ctb desires are lessen .
Coming forward aug . My mum's had a few pain attacks, I am living as a actor everyday. I wanted to quit my job but I can't let them sniff anything out of me. I plan to ctb after or immediately once my mums gone . I can't do it while she's suffering and me adding to her grief. I had to lied and acted as if nothing happen . But under everyone's nose im gearing into my ctb mode.
Light or day is hell . Because only night when my eyes are closed I find real peace. Morning is hell ,depression the moment my eyes open . perhaps why some of you are feeling suicidal at some point in life ,but something's the feelings gone, becasue your serotonin level are low when u are feeling suicidal. I think we should have a thread on serotonin . Its a chemical that makes us happy when high and low when suicidal.
If at those tripped or madness I wanted to ctb . I wanted to say , sorry mum for being selfish once in my life, no words to describe .
Sry , u can skip the hullinations part . The leaving before my mum crying like a baby made my decision to ctb right after her death. I don't know if I can make it . There is no definite answers, she wants me to live happy and go holidays but no I'm inside dead as of now , I can't cope already . I'm not on any meds , ctb level are higher in the day and lower at night but never stops .
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