Story Sharing and caring

[Sinkinshyp]

This post may make me an unpopular person, might help someone, I don't know just caring about you and sharing some. I'm on my first cup of coffee...
I stalked the forums before I joined. I found the recipe elsewhere and it pointed to here. After being able to relate on many levels with many of you I decided to join. I wish I had the intelligence many of you have, the postings are so well written and you express things so easily. I thought this was older folks due to how well written posts were. After joining and poking through more things I'm seeing the majority are under 30. It's put me in such a conflict. I have been ready to CTB for 3 yrs and I tried as a teenager. I'm a mom here because my son passed in a car accident next month 3 yrs ago. I just can't live without my sons. I can't begin to express the hell I live since he passed. Younger one will be 20 in a couple of months. In my devastating grief I pushed him away when he was 18 he ran to my ex in laws. I apologize I don't have the way to write that so many of you can so my intentions are right my wording may be wrong... if that makes sense

The decision to CTB is frowned upon by so many unless your lucky to live where it's more common like Switzerland. Unless someone has been to that point they just cannot understand how it feels. I think thats one reason people don't understand they have NEVER been so depressed. I tried to CTB as a teenager- later on that.. The death of a younger person regardless of how is a devastating occurrence for their families and friends. /waves I'm here because I told my son that morning have a good day buddy I love you- I love you to Ma and out he went to work. I never got to see my son again, he came home mailed in a brown box of ashes. One thing I can tell you in the last 3 years of daily begging pleading and hysterics- no you cannot come back from death. One last hug and I would change places with my son in a heartbeat. He had so much to offer this world and I've been reduced to living in my bedroom 24/7 wishing to go to him. As a mother I am reaching out sharing and caring... Not all but most parents love their children so much you would never understand- until you had children of your own. Even though you think they don't care they do. They just don't understand because they have never been to the point of wanting to CTB or experiencing the feelings you have. One thing about me yeah I spent my teen years in a state of chaos. If I had CTB back than when I tried a few times- I would have missed out on so much love and happiness. Things got way better so much better I never could have dreamed up a better life.

I was abused the first 16 1/2 ish years of my life. A punching bag for my father he died when I was 15. I was picked on in elementary school- back than bullying wasn't so popular. So I'm home my dad is throwing fists telling me how I was a worthless piece of shit to go to school and have all the kids tease me. I related to animals and on recess I would play with frogs, snakes, lizards worms whatever because at home my stuffed animals were my company, my way to let things out after I'd been wooped or told he fing hates me again. Kids are cruel point blank... because I didn't worry about things girls do it made me " corroded" they would all spread out against the hallways and pretend to spray some spray at me..to go home and hear screaming yelling insults and be beat or watch him beat my mother again... Now middle school I was friends with different crowds the burn outs, the nerds and everyone in between just not the preppies. About 6 months after my abusive father died I met a bf. He was more evil than my father I spent almost a yr and a half with him being his punching bag. When that relationship ended-really long story here- we had a daughter and I gave him custody in fear and because I was such a piece of garbage I didn't deserve her. Thats when I began to try to CTB. I took a bottle of vitamins at 12 thinking it would kill me and I would be away from the abuse at home and school. That doesnt count just the feelings were there... 16 1/2- just past 18 I was in and out of psych hospitals. I took a full bottle of codeine pills, cut my wrists a few times. I sport scars. I met " the one" a man in his 30's and tried to CTB when that relationship ended because I couldn't live without him... I've met 6 more " the ones" in my lifetime and that doesn't include the other relationships. So there is going to be another one- and maybe more ones for you. This last one wasn't the right one for you, I know you feel like they are. I thought he was to- but in my years here post teen years I can tell you there will be at least one or two more. Those deep relationships yes, those people stay in you heart but it doesn't always hurt. I rty to google "the one" from when I was a teenager he isn't on social media I assume hes gone. Just past 18 I went through cancer and 20 I had my son and life was great. Yes I had depression and anxiety all my life but it was manageable when my son was here.

Sorry such a LONG boring post but I want to share. Socially I have anxiety always have. Being a single mom I didn't just let anyone into our lives. I had 3 friends. 1 passed before my son and the 2 remaining don't know this destroyed me thats left after he passed so they aren't friends anymore. I guess if I were looking in from the outside I wouldn't want to be my friend either. I can relate to many of you and thats what brought me here... as someone who lived through my tries- yes things can get so much better than you ever dreamed of. I do not regret failing my CTB tries as a teenager. I am so happy I got to live for the 25 years my son was here. Having had that experience I wanted to share... there could be so much more than you imagined waiting for you if you stick around. I do support your choices regardless of what they are. I just joined and Sagajin I'm sure found his peace. It hit me hard- I thought wow I wish it was me than I thought such a talented young man there surely must have been something good in his future and I thought about his mom getting that officers visit. I respect your choices regardless but I wont post on CTBing posts. Will I whisper to you I wish you found peace yeah.. but before you do CTB make sure you have exhausted everything... not all meds or therapists are the right ones. I went through so many therapists as a teenager and meds- some got me high one hit like I drank a 12 pack. This is the one decision you cannot change once its done. love to all of you from someone whose been there, who is ready to CTB and as a mom....
one thing someone once told me and it makes sense- about a car race track. When you are in the drivers seat you can't see the accident coming but you can in the bleechers... so I guess that means maybe reach out and see what others see- advice or how they relate with things you've been through. I guess someone else might have a suggestion to change or help things before the accident happens.

 

[DyingAlf]

I'm seeing the majority are under 30.

I feel like I have to question this statement because in my experience it seems that the majority don't mention their age at all. Could it be that maybe the younger members are the ones that are more likely to share their age?

I stalked the forums before I joined.

After being able to relate on many levels with many of you I decided to join.

Me too.
——————————

I'm sorry you've experienced so much pain & heartbreak.

I can relate to some of your experiences but I'm not a parent (I'm thankful for that) & I do regret that I didn't ctb in my teens.
I'm not judging you for not regretting your failure, just wanted to remind you that everyone is different & it is everybody's own choice about whether or not they ctb & at what age they do so.

edit: corrected a typo that completely changed the meaning of something I said.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I feel like I have to question this statement because in my experience it seems that the majority don't mention their age at all. Could it be that maybe the younger members are the ones that are more likely to share their age?



Me too.
——————————

I'm sorry you've experienced so much pain & heartbreak.

I can relate to some of your experiences but I'm not a parent (I'm thankful for that) & I do regret that I didn't ctb in my teens.
I'm not judging you for regretting your failure, just wanted to remind you that everyone is different & it is everybody's own choice about whether or not they ctb & at what age they do so.

thank you. I dont regret failing- Im glad I did. I'm so sorry that you feel so much pain. In the partners thread there are ages listed. I read the survey and it seems 50% are under 30. I do agree it's each persons choice what they do and when. I respect each person for their choices. As a mom and having been through things... I wanted to share. I would be happy if I helped 1 person before I CTB

 

[DyingAlf]

thank you. I dont regret failing- Im glad I did. I'm so sorry that you feel so much pain. In the partners thread there are ages listed. I read the survey and it seems 50% are under 30. I do agree it's each persons choice what they do and when. I respect each person for their choices. As a mom and having been through things... I wanted to share. I would be happy if I helped 1 person before I CTB

Sorry that was a typo, I know you don't regret failing, I'll go back & edit that soon.

I still don't agree with your theory about ages, (not trying to be argumentative or nasty or anything, just seeing a lot of possible holes in the theory that you stated).
There is some (a lot?) of us who have never visited the partners thread, for various reasons, and of the people who do visit the partners thread there will be some (many?) that will not have answered that particular poll for various reasons.
It is possible (but obviously I don't know this for sure) that younger people are more likely to visit the partners thread; it's also possible (again we can not know for sure) that younger people are more likely to state their age in a poll.
For just one example: I am over 30, I will not state my age any further than that because it is an identifying feature, I would therefore not answer that particular poll but I also didn't see that poll because I'm not interested in finding a partner or opening myself up to the potentially dangerous situations that could put me in. I'll ctb quietly & alone (much the same as I mostly do as I exist in life.)

Also, before you said that the "majority" are under 30 & now you are saying that the poll showed 50% to be under 30. 50% is not a majority.

It is nice that you want to help others & I can understand that because of your personal experience but this is a pro-choice website & it's a very fine line between wanting to help & being judgmental/prolife (& ageist.)

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Don't worry about your post being boring because it's not. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of those horrible things that have caused you to want to CTB now. It's a sad thing that people who are full of life and happiness lose their lives so easily and suddenly, while people like me who don't want to be here feel trapped until they can find a way to CTB successfully. I honestly wish I could take your son's place so you didn't have to think about such things because that would be a win win for the three of us. But life doesn't work like that, so hug emojis are the best I can do.

but before you do CTB make sure you have exhausted everything... not all meds or therapists are the right ones.

But I will say that you are right about this. Turns out Mary Jane is a great therapist and prescribes the best meds I've ever used (if you know what I mean). Only when I've exhausted all the green will I truly be finished.

 

[Drowning fish]

I'm sorry for all your pain and everything you went through <3 like I told you in another post you made me reconsider CTB for the love of my mum.
I can tell you it's not easy to CTB in Switzerland. You have to be ready to wait for months and hundreds of paper signings. My uncle wanted to use Exit as he was terminally ill but the process was too long and he was too weak to go through them. Also they only allow people close to death. They probably would never allow someone severely depressed and you'd have to go through all your family knowing you're going to CTB.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Sorry that was a typo, I know you don't regret failing, I'll go back & edit that soon.

I still don't agree with your theory about ages, (not trying to be argumentative or nasty or anything, just seeing a lot of possible holes in the theory that you stated).
There is some (a lot?) of us who have never visited the partners thread, for various reasons, and of the people who do visit the partners thread there will be some (many?) that will not have answered that particular poll for various reasons.
It is possible (but obviously I don't know this for sure) that younger people are more likely to visit the partners thread; it's also possible (again we can not know for sure) that younger people are more likely to state their age in a poll.
For just one example: I am over 30, I will not state my age any further than that because it is an identifying feature, I would therefore not answer that particular poll but I also didn't see that poll because I'm not interested in finding a partner or opening myself up to the potentially dangerous situations that could put me in. I'll ctb quietly & alone (much the same as I mostly do as I exist in life.)

Also, before you said that the "majority" are under 30 & now you are saying that the poll showed 50% to be under 30. 50% is not a majority.

as per this thread hope I post it correctly- and I'm allowed to post it. This is the survey- 61.6% are under 30. You could be correct as in those younger may be more likely to respond. Given it was an open? survey and not identifying I would assume a lot would answer the survey. I wish I could participate in it. I'm honest and give me age as there are a gazillion 48 yr old moms out there. Maybe I'm to .. ? easy to share myself? Than there is the partners thread- I read through some of it not much- but what I did read most are under 30. So combining the partners thread and the survey - so many young under 30.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/survey-results-july-2020.44753/

Don't worry about your post being boring because it's not. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of those horrible things that have caused you to want to CTB now. It's a sad thing that people who are full of life and happiness lose their lives so easily and suddenly, while people like me who don't want to be here feel trapped until they can find a way to CTB successfully. I honestly wish I could take your son's place so you didn't have to think about such things because that would be a win win for the three of us. But life doesn't work like that, so hug emojis are the best I can do.



But I will say that you are right about this. Turns out Mary Jane is a great therapist and prescribes the best meds I've ever used (if you know what I mean). Only when I've exhausted all the green will I truly be finished.

I don't know how to do emojis but hugs and <3 to you hun. I wish I could take everyones pain with me and they could have happiness. My brother uses MJ and swears by it. A teenage friend lost her child and suggested I do it- that it's what has gotten her through. I did try it after my son died 3 or 4x with my ex sis in law. I get random pee tested at pain doc. At 48 I would be so embarrassed if I got doc dropped due to it. My brother gets some strong medical MJ of different flavors. Maybe I'll ask him to try some after I see doc tomorrow. I guess it can't hurt.... I'm glad it helps you some.

 

[XYZ]

I read your post and heard your pain. May you find peace!

 

[DyingAlf]

as per this thread hope I post it correctly- and I'm allowed to post it. This is the survey- 61.6% are under 30. You could be correct as in those younger may be more likely to respond. Given it was an open? survey and not identifying I would assume a lot would answer the survey. I wish I could participate in it. I'm honest and give me age as there are a gazillion 48 yr old moms out there. Maybe I'm to .. ? easy to share myself? Than there is the partners thread- I read through some of it not much- but what I did read most are under 30. So combining the partners thread and the survey - so many young under 30.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/survey-results-july-2020.44753/

Oh that changes my stance!
Yes that's the survey which I imagine a whole lot more of us would be willing to answer especially since I think the answers remain anonymous. So yes 61.6% does make it a majority under 30.
You have proved me wrong about that & I apologise for doubting you.
(I stand by my comments about the partners thread & polls though).

edit: Obviously it's your choice what you share on here but you have been very open & honest about your story & your age & things. If someone who knows you happens to be looking at this site (they don't even have to be a member) they could recognise your story then at some point if you write a goodbye post or something they could use screenshots as proof to intervene & get you hospitalised.
Not judging - just checking that you're aware that this is possible.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Child abuse at home and bullying at school? That's makes for an atrocious combination. I am very sorry you had to endure all of that, truly. It makes for a very sad story.

I wish that I could /hug your post most than once

 

[Cherrypea]

Thank you for sharing your story, I know you want to be with your son soon.
I often read comments or threads from young people about what their parents have done and sometimes relate to the parents as I have a 19 year old myself. I want to say, look your parents love you, they are wrapped up in anxiety and fear over how low you are and they don't know how to help, they probably have their own issues (I mean look at me!) and are doing what they think best. But I don't, it wouldn't be appreciated. Obviously I know if you have been abused by your parents that's a different story.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Don't worry about your post being boring because it's not. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of those horrible things that have caused you to want to CTB now. It's a sad thing that people who are full of life and happiness lose their lives so easily and suddenly, while people like me who don't want to be here feel trapped until they can find a way to CTB successfully. I honestly wish I could take your son's place so you didn't have to think about such things because that would be a win win for the three of us. But life doesn't work like that, so hug emojis are the best I can do.



But I will say that you are right about this. Turns out Mary Jane is a great therapist and prescribes the best meds I've ever used (if you know what I mean). Only when I've exhausted all the green will I truly be finished.

I don't know how to do emojis but hugs and <3 to you hun. I wish I could take everyones pain with me and they could have happiness. My brother uses MJ and swears by it. A teenage friend lost her child and suggested I do it- that it's what has gotten her through. I did try it after my son died 3 or 4x with my ex sis in law. I get random pee tested at pain doc. At 48 I would be so embarrassed if I got doc dropped due to it. My brother gets some strong medical MJ of different flavors. Maybe I'll ask him to try some after I see doc tomorrow. I guess it can't hurt.... I'm glad it helps you some.

I'm sorry for all your pain and everything you went through <3 like I told you in another post you made me reconsider CTB for the love of my mum.
I can tell you it's not easy to CTB in Switzerland. You have to be ready to wait for months and hundreds of paper signings. My uncle wanted to use Exit as he was terminally ill but the process was too long and he was too weak to go through them. Also they only allow people close to death. They probably would never allow someone severely depressed and you'd have to go through all your family knowing you're going to CTB.

<3 to you. I'm glad you have reconsidered. I don't know your situation and I hope while you are reconsidering something changes and you find happiness and happiness is with you for your entire life. As long or short as it may be. Thank you for explaining that process. As long as I am here if you need a friend, an ear - advice from someone whose been through things and has seen light happiness and total devastation I am here for anyone and everyone... I so wish I could HUG you all and take your pain and sadness into my body, take it with me when I go and you can find love and happiness...

Child abuse at home and bullying at school? That's makes for an atrocious combination. I am very sorry you had to endure all of that, truly. It makes for a very sad story.

I wish that I could /hug your post most than once

yeah I did NOT have a good start in life- I was born into hell.. but I've made it 48 years almost 49. If my son was still here I would be living and happy, so proud and honored to have such an amazing man call me mom vs existing in my bedroom. Many hugs to you hun..

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Sinkinshyp, you are not the first mother who's been on the forum since I've been here who lost a child and as a result was considering and planning suicide.

Since their minds were set and they were inconsolable, I honored their choice and simply cared about their pain and wished them the best possible outcome.

In your case, you seem to have found a way to enjoy life prior to the loss of your son, in spite of great challenges which you overcame, and want to help others before you potentially suicide should they be younger and not able to see that life may get better and be worthwhile.

Because of that, I'm offering you something that I think could assist you in reframing and getting through your pain, and therefore finding satisfaction and value again in living. It's a letter of consolation from the Stoic philospher Seneca to a woman named Marcia (did you see the embedded link?) wose young adult son died. It is a very long letter. In it, Seneca tells her how much he admires, respects, and cares for her, and that he is making a concerted attack, not on her, but on her seemingly inconsolable grief which has gone on for quite some time. It seems like there is not a single angle he misses. Some of those angles put my hackles up. Sometimes I feel he is too harsh. Sometimes I think he would have done well to stop much eariler in the letter. But from what I understand, the letter is written in a format that was very popular at the time, including leaving no angle unmissed. I find the first parts of the letter to be very persuasive, rational and, for Seneca, compassionate and affectionate.

I have read that oftentimes, people who are older have learned to manage life better, are more grounded and mature, have wisdom, and are more accepting, patient and resilient because they have been through the absolute worst. They know that grief, trauma and major disruptions happen in life, and that recovering from them take a long approach, and can also burnish a person rather than destroy them. They are capable of riding out the storms with equanimity and are less deeply and painfully impacted by them. I myself am 49 and have found this to be true. I have more wisdom, compassion, tolerance and resilience than ever before in my life. I have suffered greatly, and I have done concerted work over decades to heal from childhood abuse. I have sought answers in many places and some gave great help, some very little, and a couple did more harm than good. I am proud of the person I at last became. I am imperfect, yet I am also more accepting of that now than I ever was when I was younger, and I have learned to love myself not just in spite of but sometimes for it. My imperfections often reveal my strengths and the things I like and admire about myself, and shine a light on what is in my best interest to improve, as well as what serves me more than I realized. I've learned that suffering and challenges are what reveal wisdom, abilities, and strength.

You may wonder, then, why would I want to suicide? I don't talk here about the reasons because I don't want input about them. I don't want to defend, explain, and argue. I know the reasons, I know they are beyond my control, they are overwhelming, and it is a rational response to exit from the party of life. I've already attempted multiple times with peaceful methods and they did not end in death. SN will not be peaceful for me, and I cannot access N, otherwise I would already be gone, so I am still working through how best to proceed. Things are barely bearable, otherwise I would go through the limited but challenging suffering of SN (I have breathing difficulties, and when I accidentally got a little in my system during blood testing, I experienced a taste of them; I am triggered by suffocation). I am also very isolated, not by choice but necessity. I am an extrovert, so the forum fills a need for me, and while I am alive, I do my best to continue to grow and heal, to have a positive impact on others, and to learn and improve from the fights and struggles that naturally occur wherever humans are together. This is exactly how I've been irl for a decade, only now even more concertedly so as I don't have anything else extraneous to focus on. The best thing I've gotten from all of these years of healing is acceptance of others and getting free of enmeshment and codepency; I cannot fix them nor control them, and I did not cause their problems. I can perhaps influence them with compassion, rationality or wisdom, but I accept them as autonomous and that they will do as they will whether I want them to or not, and only assertively seek to stop them when they are having a direct harmful impact on me. If they refuse to stop or are incapable, and if I have the capability to do so in the situation, I sever contact with them, retaining my wish for their well-being and equanimity, and my compassion for them, and I move on. Brené Brown says the most compassionate people are the most boundaried, and I find this to be absoultely true, because it's possible to maintain compassion for them when there is some kind of a buffer or distance, when their stuff is not coming inside nor being physically imposed such as hitting, or being in the same place with them and not being able to leave.

I sincerely wish for your well-being and equanimity. Please let me know if there are any other resources I can help you with, or look at the threads I've posted. I'm sorry for your suffering and for your loss. I wish you the best regardless of whatever decision you make. I appreciate and respect that you want to have a positive impact on others and help them; my intentions are the same, and I hope you receive as much benefit from others as you seek to give.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

@Sinkinshyp, you are not the first mother who's been on the forum since I've been here who lost a child and as a result was considering and planning suicide.

Since their minds were set and they were inconsolable, I honored their choice and simply cared about their pain and wished them the best possible outcome.

In your case, you seem to have found a way to enjoy life prior to the loss of your son, in spite of great challenges which you overcame, and want to help others before you potentially suicide should they be younger and not able to see that life may get better and be worthwhile.

Because of that, I'm offering you something that I think could assist you in reframing and getting through your pain, and therefore finding satisfaction and value again in living. It's a letter of consolation from the Stoic philospher Seneca to a woman named Marcia (did you see the embedded link?) wose young adult son died. It is a very long letter. In it, Seneca tells her how much he admires, respects, and cares for her, and that he is making a concerted attack, not on her, but on her seemingly inconsolable grief which has gone on for quite some time. It seems like there is not a single angle he misses. Some of those angles put my hackles up. Sometimes I feel he is too harsh. Sometimes I think he would have done well to stop much eariler in the letter. But from what I understand, the letter is written in a format that was very popular at the time, including leaving no angle unmissed. I find the first parts of the letter to be very persuasive, rational and, for Seneca, compassionate and affectionate.

I have read that oftentimes, people who are older have learned to manage life better, are more grounded and mature, have wisdom, and are more accepting, patient and resilient because they have been through the absolute worst. They know that grief, trauma and major disruptions happen in life, and that recovering from them take a long approach, and can also burnish a person rather than destroy them. They are capable of riding out the storms with equanimity and are less deeply and painfully impacted by them. I myself am 49 and have found this to be true. I have more wisdom, compassion, tolerance and resilience than ever before in my life. I have suffered greatly, and I have done concerted work over decades to heal from childhood abuse. I have sought answers in many places and some gave great help, some very little, and a couple did more harm than good. I am proud of the person I at last became. I am imperfect, yet I am also more accepting of that now than I ever was when I was younger, and I have learned to love myself not just in spite of but sometimes for it. My imperfections often reveal my strengths and the things I like and admire about myself, and shine a light on what is in my best interest to improve, as well as what serves me more than I realized. I've learned that suffering and challenges are what reveal wisdom, abilities, and strength.

You may wonder, then, why would I want to suicide? I don't talk here about the reasons because I don't want input about them. I don't want to defend, explain, and argue. I know the reasons, I know they are beyond my control, they are overwhelming, and it is a rational response to exit from the party of life. I've already attempted multiple times with peaceful methods and they did not end in death. SN will not be peaceful for me, and I cannot access N, otherwise I would already be gone, so I am still working through how best to proceed. Things are barely bearable, otherwise I would go through the limited but challenging suffering of SN (I have breathing difficulties, and when I accidentally got a little in my system during blood testing, I experienced a taste of them; I am triggered by suffocation). I am also very isolated, not by choice but necessity. I am an extrovert, so the forum fills a need for me, and while I am alive, I do my best to continue to grow and heal, to have a positive impact on others, and to learn and improve from the fights and struggles that naturally occur wherever humans are together. This is exactly how I've been irl for a decade, only now even more concertedly so as I don't have anything else extraneous to focus on. The best thing I've gotten from all of these years of healing is acceptance of others and getting free of enmeshment and codepency; I cannot fix them nor control them, and I did not cause their problems. I can perhaps influence them with compassion, rationality or wisdom, but I accept them as autonomous and that they will do as they will whether I want them to or not, and only assertively seek to stop them when they are having a direct harmful impact on me. If they refuse to stop or are incapable, and if I have the capability to do so in the situation, I sever contact with them, retaining my wish for their well-being and equanimity, and my compassion for them, and I move on. Brené Brown says the most compassionate people are the most boundaried, and I find this to be absoultely true, because it's possible to maintain compassion for them when there is some kind of a buffer or distance, when their stuff is not coming inside nor being physically imposed such as hitting, or being in the same place with them and not being able to leave.

I sincerely wish for your well-being and equanimity. Please let me know if there are any other resources I can help you with, or look at the threads I've posted. I'm sorry for your suffering and for your loss. I wish you the best regardless of whatever decision you make. I appreciate and respect that you want to have a positive impact on others and help them; my intentions are the same, and I hope you receive as much benefit from others as you seek to give.

Wow! thank you so very much for the link to the letter for Marcia and your very well detailed well written reply. I've bookmarked the letter to Marcia and will read it-over and over. There are many angels like you mentioned. I guess depending on the moment which one I will relate to. I also think there are things in there for me to learn. So many things to reply to and ask about.

Did the other moms CTB? or did they try to continue on this existence? I know they all did not choose the same, just maybe a majority response. I will look at your postings and see if I can also find the other moms.

Is SN worse if you have breathing issues? I have advanced for age emphysema. I had full respiratory failure from cold germs in 2013. I woke up from life support to my son standing on my left side holding my hand. He was 21 than. As next of kin doctors put him in quite a position. They said I will never breathe on my own again. That they were giving him 10 days to decide- they wanted to put a trach in because " lungs are so damaged she will never be able to breathe without a ventilator" or shut off life support. If in 10 days he could not decide they were shutting life support off due to the extent of damage in my lungs. I do not use oxygen and not attached to a ventilator. I woke up- the medical induced come they tried to bring me out of it and I guess I wasn't responding. I am breathing on my own. He was 25 when he passed and stayed at home to be there for me due to my health. I mention this for a couple of reasons. Is SN going to be more likely to cause me to suffocate than go peacefully? This from the letter to Marcia "Though a youth whose height, beauty, and vigour of body destined him for the army, yet he refused to serve, that he might not be separated from you" is very fitting. J & I had a very good relationship. We were VERY close. He was a mommas boy but I was all he had and his lil brother. He said to me, Ma I have a full time job. How do I explain I am 23,24,25 etc he was about 23 I think and I live with my mother? I'm trying to meet a girl and they think I am not responsible because I still live at home. I said, tell them you are here because I have health issues. Any woman worth having should understand that. How a man treats his mother is a good clue how he will treat her. He was an amazing son, man, friend person. His club held a candle light ceremony for him the night after he went. I was told there were over 200 people there. I was there but highly medicated so I can't try to guess show many. So many told me what a loss to this world, how he was a true definition of a friend and a humble honorable person that they can only aspire to be like him. In the letter to Marcia "The brighter a fire glows, the sooner it goes out:" That was my son. I have said it many times here- I am very honored and blessed he called me mom. I'm so proud of the man he became. Like you- I was proud of the person I became, the mom I was and how I was able to function, get through everything thrown at me- because I was all my son had. He was my glue and motivation to improve things.

I'm so sorry for whatever you are going through. I'm sorry for your childhood abuse and whats happened to you. I hope whatever you choose brings you peace and happiness. " I am an extrovert, so the forum fills a need for me, and while I am alive, I do my best to continue to grow and heal, to have a positive impact on others, and to learn and improve from the fights and struggles that naturally occur wherever humans are together." I am awkward. Due to my abuse I am shy, polite, caring. I have anxieties- social for one. I see those of us who have been abused and suffered due to others seem to have more compassion towards others. I've taken in 3 homeless people to help them. I think every friend and family member has moved into my home at least once if not more. When my son was alive I was the stable strong one who had my stuff together. I try to help when and where I can. Thats caused me to be easily used in the past. Like you I am isolated my mom, bro, sis in law and 3 nephews live with me. I stay in my bedroom 24/7. My 2 friends abandoned me due to how broken I am. I just cannot function without my sons. I hope over the next month I am here I can be some assistance to someone. I know I'm sharing a boat load of personal experiences here. Between my isolation and need for someone to talk to and wanting to help others I post it.


My brother just brought me in my mail a few minutes ago. My SN is here. Looking at it holding it- I'm feeling relief, excited and hope I can delay until next month the day my son left.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm glad you appreciated the letter I shared. Maybe it will give some insight as well into your friends pulling back? I'm not at all making excuses for them, I just recognize in humans that when they can't effect a change for the better, they often let go rather than riding it out. It also depends on the culture. Some cultures are more accepting of others and their struggles, while some like Americans tend to be so individualistic and unaccepting that they aren't very supportive in the long-term. Brits seem to me to be more accepting of their friends's and family members' personal shit, but don't seem to know how to manage someone who's getting deep into personal stuff and not displaying a stiff upper lip.

I am completely isolated. There is no one in my home or life. For me, that would be easier than the type of isolation you're experiencing when people are in the same home. That's got to be so hard.

As a far as helping others, yes, I've been there for many people throughout my life and been really good support. I was always the friend people wanted when their shit went to shit. But I also had a tendency toward codependence, getting enmeshed, and wanting things to be better for them and getting totally wrapped up in it, sometimes taking on the stress of their situations for them, while they kept on doing self-destructive things. Over the past decade, I've stopped being that way. I learned a lot about boundaries and practice them. If someone doesn't want to or can't change, or if I'm doing too much for them and they're not doing enough and absolutely should be, then I practice acceptance of how they are and where they are, and work on maintaining my own yard rather than trying to fix theirs. I was quite a fixer. I've become very pro-choice -- people will do what they choose, whether I like it or not. If I can't influence them, and if I can't handle what they choose for themselves, then I have to take care of myself and pull back, and it's healthier for both of us than my being non-accepting yet still engaging. But I have no problem investing the time and effort for a friend who needs support, even long-term support, as long as they want to recover from whatever it is and actually make use of and appreciate my help, not just shit it out with no evidence of appreciation and even coming back for more. I've been the friend on the couch, too, and I always showed my appreciation, and made a point to not take advantage of their willingness to help. I made sure to not treat them like a doormat.

Did the other moms CTB? or did they try to continue on this existence? I know they all did not choose the same, just maybe a majority response. I will look at your postings and see if I can also find the other moms.

I don't remember any of their user names or if they completed. Maybe other members who remember them will see this thread and comment. I can't even remember how many there were, it may have been only one. There have been so many members over the past nine months I've been here, none of these in particular stood out enough in other ways for me to remember them specifically, but I generally recall certain subjects such as this. It may have been that I stopped early on reading their threads because I felt empathetic pain for what they were going through but could make no impact in a way that would help them either in recovering, mourning, or dying, and there were others here who could.

Is SN worse if you have breathing issues? I have advanced for age emphysema.

Is SN going to be more likely to cause me to suffocate than go peacefully?

SN leads to methemoglobenemia and hypoxia, which is a starvation of oxygen in the blood. Breathing issues can occur, such as deep breathing, faster breathing, wheezing or tight chest. I discovered it would affect me when I did the blood test for purity on my SN. I couldn't bleed enough to get drops of blood, so I put a tiny amount of SN directly on the wound on my arm where I had pin-pricked a cherry angioma. 5-10 minutes later, I felt warmth go up into my arm and down into my chest. My heart rate went up, and I started having chest tightness like asthma, so I quickly drank a lot of water to flush the SN from my system, and I almost immediately felt relief. I'm pretty sure I have longhaul COVID, I got sick in January and my heart and lungs have never fully recovered. Right now SN is my main option, so I'm trying to figure out how to lose consciousness before it kicks in. I have some chloroform and am going to test it, but I'm concerned because chloroform can damage the lungs, and mine are already damaged.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm glad you appreciated the letter I shared. Maybe it will give some insight as well into your friends pulling back? I'm not at all making excuses for them, I just recognize in humans that when they can't effect a change for the better, they often let go rather than riding it out. It also depends on the culture. Some cultures are more accepting of others and their struggles, while some like Americans tend to be so individualistic and unaccepting that they aren't very supportive in the long-term. Brits seem to me to be more accepting of their friends's and family members' personal shit, but don't seem to know how to manage someone who's getting deep into personal stuff and not displaying a stiff upper lip.

I am completely isolated. There is no one in my home or life. For me, that would be easier than the type of isolation you're experiencing when people are in the same home. That's got to be so hard.

As a far as helping others, yes, I've been there for many people throughout my life and been really good support. I was always the friend people wanted when their shit went to shit. But I also had a tendency toward codependence, getting enmeshed, and wanting things to be better for them and getting totally wrapped up in it, sometimes taking on the stress of their situations for them, while they kept on doing self-destructive things. Over the past decade, I've stopped being that way. I learned a lot about boundaries and practice them. If someone doesn't want to or can't change, or if I'm doing too much for them and they're not doing enough and absolutely should be, then I practice acceptance of how they are and where they are, and work on maintaining my own yard rather than trying to fix theirs. I was quite a fixer. I've become very pro-choice -- people will do what they choose, whether I like it or not. If I can't influence them, and if I can't handle what they choose for themselves, then I have to take care of myself and pull back, and it's healthier for both of us than my being non-accepting yet still engaging. But I have no problem investing the time and effort for a friend who needs support, even long-term support, as long as they want to recover from whatever it is and actually make use of and appreciate my help, not just shit it out with no evidence of appreciation and even coming back for more. I've been the friend on the couch, too, and I always showed my appreciation, and made a point to not take advantage of their willingness to help. I made sure to not treat them like a doormat.



I don't remember any of their user names or if they completed. Maybe other members who remember them will see this thread and comment. I can't even remember how many there were, it may have been only one. There have been so many members over the past nine months I've been here, none of these in particular stood out enough in other ways for me to remember them specifically, but I generally recall certain subjects such as this. It may have been that I stopped early on reading their threads because I felt empathetic pain for what they were going through but could make no impact in a way that would help them either in recovering, mourning, or dying, and there were others here who could.




SN leads to methemoglobenemia and hypoxia, which is a starvation of oxygen in the blood. Breathing issues can occur, such as deep breathing, faster breathing, wheezing or tight chest. I discovered it would affect me when I did the blood test for purity on my SN. I couldn't bleed enough to get drops of blood, so I put a tiny amount of SN directly on the wound on my arm where I had pin-pricked a cherry angioma. 5-10 minutes later, I felt warmth go up into my arm and down into my chest. My heart rate went up, and I started having chest tightness like asthma, so I quickly drank a lot of water to flush the SN from my system, and I almost immediately felt relief. I'm pretty sure I have longhaul COVID, I got sick in January and my heart and lungs have never fully recovered. Right now SN is my main option, so I'm trying to figure out how to lose consciousness before it kicks in. I have some chloroform and am going to test it, but I'm concerned because chloroform can damage the lungs, and mine are already damaged.

I was going to pm im you whatever it's called here vs replying to this thread- but you don't allow pm im's. My ex sis in law- was 1 friend. She moved in with me that monday because she was evicted my son had his car accident 4 days later on friday. Yeah, I said I took everyone in I'm not kidding. I took her, her bf, my 2 nieces and nephew and their 3 dogs. She was there to an extent only because she lived with me. She was there 2 months I gave her money to get a place. My other supposed best friend just called to say she was sorry. She had also moved into my home 3x in the past. Everyone was so used to me being the strong one when I broke I don't think they knew how or what to do so they just put distance. She only called me when she saw on facebook J died never after that to offer any form of support. She didn't come for his life ceremony even though she can go 5 hours away for her bf's band gigs. I only live 1 hour south of her. She never tried to visit me. I did call her once in a hysterical state and expressed my desire to CTB to go to my son. Yet if her bf kicked her out I would get that call umm can I come stay with you blah blah blah...

I like you have been there for so many. I try to help and eventually learn I can't help someone who wont help themselves. I've never had an issue finding a bf - but I find the wrong ones. I tolerate so much than yes, I pull completely away and your on your own buddy. By choice except about 8ish months I've spent the last 10 yrs single. I met a guy in march and my son passed in october we split up in dec. We do talk he needs me to keep a vehicle in my name for him since he has dui's.

I'm sorry you may have long haul covid or lasting damages from it. Under other circumstances and places I would say I hope you get better, but we know why we are here and I will say I hope the outcome is what brings you peace. Maybe I'll give my SN a small test in the way you did before my date just to get a clue what I can expect. I have a boat load of meds-I'm sure I've got enough to do it peacefully. I'm just not sure which would be the best combination to be successful. My bro is a recovering addict. I have a cabinet in my room of all my meds. He has made a comment to the extent of I'm a recovering addict and what you have in there is beyond an excessive amount of meds. I can't remember his exact wording. He told me Oxy wont work that you'll get sick and potentially end up causing brain damage. I guess he has taken huge amounts and it just doesn't end it all. Not that he tried to CTB his addiction led him through a path of over use, and he wasn't advising me how to CTB I just said I was going to. He gave me reasons why Oxy wont work and I'd end up in a way that I don't want to be in. I may have to put more thought into this. I had respiratory failure as mentioned. I do not want to experience that again.

So far I've found 2 other mothers. I'm going to keep searching for others.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I was going to pm im you whatever it's called here vs replying to this thread- but you don't allow pm im's. My ex sis in law- was 1 friend. She moved in with me that monday because she was evicted my son had his car accident 4 days later on friday. Yeah, I said I took everyone in I'm not kidding. I took her, her bf, my 2 nieces and nephew and their 3 dogs. She was there to an extent only because she lived with me. She was there 2 months I gave her money to get a place. My other supposed best friend just called to say she was sorry. She had also moved into my home 3x in the past. Everyone was so used to me being the strong one when I broke I don't think they knew how or what to do so they just put distance. She only called me when she saw on facebook J died never after that to offer any form of support. She didn't come for his life ceremony even though she can go 5 hours away for her bf's band gigs. I only live 1 hour south of her. She never tried to visit me. I did call her once in a hysterical state and expressed my desire to CTB to go to my son. Yet if her bf kicked her out I would get that call umm can I come stay with you blah blah blah...

I like you have been there for so many. I try to help and eventually learn I can't help someone who wont help themselves. I've never had an issue finding a bf - but I find the wrong ones. I tolerate so much than yes, I pull completely away and your on your own buddy. By choice except about 8ish months I've spent the last 10 yrs single. I met a guy in march and my son passed in october we split up in dec. We do talk he needs me to keep a vehicle in my name for him since he has dui's.

I'm sorry you may have long haul covid or lasting damages from it. Under other circumstances and places I would say I hope you get better, but we know why we are here and I will say I hope the outcome is what brings you peace. Maybe I'll give my SN a small test in the way you did before my date just to get a clue what I can expect. I have a boat load of meds-I'm sure I've got enough to do it peacefully. I'm just not sure which would be the best combination to be successful. My bro is a recovering addict. I have a cabinet in my room of all my meds. He has made a comment to the extent of I'm a recovering addict and what you have in there is beyond an excessive amount of meds. I can't remember his exact wording. He told me Oxy wont work that you'll get sick and potentially end up causing brain damage. I guess he has taken huge amounts and it just doesn't end it all. Not that he tried to CTB his addiction led him through a path of over use, and he wasn't advising me how to CTB I just said I was going to. He gave me reasons why Oxy wont work and I'd end up in a way that I don't want to be in. I may have to put more thought into this. I had respiratory failure as mentioned. I do not want to experience that again.

So far I've found 2 other mothers. I'm going to keep searching for others.

First, my heartfelt condolences for your tragic loss! I can feel the full extent of your pain.

I signed up for the forum today. After ten months of near daily lurking, because there were a handful of threads the past couple days that finally brought me down for the rafters, including yours. I too am middle aged, but a "hand full" *wink* of years older than you and GPE. I too share many of your wise concerns with respect to the quanty of some other less seasoned individuals on the board - heartbreaking. And, I seem to recall @fightingsioux disclosing that he and @Stan shared similar issues between each other with respect to so many relatively young people on this board. As an aside, I seem to recall @fightingsioux disclosed that his age was 72 years old, and I think @Stan stated he was 52 years old. From their respective hystorical post histories each had wisdom that only is acquired through time and real life experiences, IMO.

Unbeknownst to GPE, she has educated me on many topics over the past eight months. At the risk of a slight boundry violation, I will suggest that you familiarize yourself with the post history of @toomuchgrief. I could tell you her entire story. However, if I'm catching on fast enough from GPE, this would be my straying ouside of my yard and into someone's else yard. If I were to do this, GPE might chase with a stick to get out of her yard and back into my own yard, if I'm fully grasping how this concept works.

I can tell you @toomuchgrief and @GoodPersonEffed are some of specific posters for whom I actively watch to see what each has to say. I haven't seen @toomuchgrief for a while and I would have expected to have seen her within the past several weeks based on my perceived frequency of her posting history.

I have yet to learn how to do so, but I know GPE knows how to search under "the last seen" feature. I'm still stumbling around myself now that I can see this site in its entirety, and I'm still learning. I perceive that GPE knows this site as well as anyone, and I believe she knows how to explain how you can search @toomuchgrief 's post history so you can read and learn the tragic similarities between both your stories. Perhaps, this might be somewhat cathartic for you? And, GPE, if THIS is a boundry violation please forgive me (I'm new here) and don't go "ape shit" *wink*, and if this last paragraph is a MAJOR boundry violation, please forgive me, and may God have mercy on my soul for the wrath I'm about to receive. Amen.

Take care.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

First, my heartfelt condolences for your tragic loss! I can feel the full extent of your pain.

I signed up for the forum today. After ten months of near daily lurking, because there were a handful of threads the past couple days that finally brought me down for the rafters, including yours. I too am middle aged, but a "hand full" *wink* of years older than you and GPE. I too share many of your wise concerns with respect to the quanty of some other less seasoned individuals on the board - heartbreaking. And, I seem to recall @fightingsioux disclosing that he and @Stan shared similar issues between each other with respect to so many relatively young people on this board. As an aside, I seem to recall @fightingsioux disclosed that his age was 72 years old, and I think @Stan stated he was 52 years old. From their respective hystorical post histories each had wisdom that only is acquired through time and real life experiences, IMO.

Unbeknownst to GPE, she has educated me on many topics over the past eight months. At the risk of a slight boundry violation, I will suggest that you familiarize yourself with the post history of @toomuchgrief. I could tell you her entire story. However, if I'm catching on fast enough from GPE, this would be my straying ouside of my yard and into someone's else yard. If I were to do this, GPE might chase with a stick to get out of her yard and back into my own yard, if I'm fully grasping how this concept works.

I can tell you @toomuchgrief and @GoodPersonEffed are some of specific posters for whom I actively watch to see what each has to say. I haven't seen @toomuchgrief for a while and I would have expected to have seen her within the past several weeks based on my perceived frequency of her posting history.

I have yet to learn how to do so, but I know GPE knows how to search under "the last seen" feature. I'm still stumbling around myself now that I can see this site in its entirety, and I'm still learning. I perceive that GPE knows this site as well as anyone, and I believe she knows how to explain how you can search @toomuchgrief 's post history so you can read and learn the tragic similarities between both your stories. Perhaps, this might be somewhat cathartic for you? And, GPE, if THIS is a boundry violation please forgive me (I'm new here) and don't go "ape shit" *wink*, and if this last paragraph is a MAJOR boundry violation, please forgive me, and may God have mercy on my soul for the wrath I'm about to receive. Amen.

Take care.

Thank you. I have found toomuchgriefs postings. Since GPE posted I'm not the first mom here I began looking for others. I think her last postings were June 11 ironically thats my sons birthday. I'm glad after 10 months of lurking I was at least a part to bring you out of lurking and joining this wonderful forum. So many people who are kind and compassionate here. It feels like a true community. I do enjoy reading GPE's posts. I keep reading the letter to Maria. I an not as intelligent as some here and I think if I read it more and more I seem to pick up on different points/views/feelings each time.

"each had wisdom that only is acquired through time and real life experiences" thats one reason I try to be so open and honest about my life. I really hope I can give someone a reason to say hmm I'm 21, 22, 23 there might be something really good waiting for me if I can get through this. Ultimately people make their decision. All I can do is wish them peace and happiness whatever route they choose- hanging on for another yr or two or ctbing now. It's comforting to know there are others in my age bracket. I hope your path whatever it may be will bring you peace and happiness...

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Thank you. I have found toomuchgriefs postings. Since GPE posted I'm not the first mom here I began looking for others. I think her last postings were June 11 ironically thats my sons birthday. I'm glad after 10 months of lurking I was at least a part to bring you out of lurking and joining this wonderful forum. So many people who are kind and compassionate here. It feels like a true community. I do enjoy reading GPE's posts. I keep reading the letter to Maria. I an not as intelligent as some here and I think if I read it more and more I seem to pick up on different points/views/feelings each time.

"each had wisdom that only is acquired through time and real life experiences" thats one reason I try to be so open and honest about my life. I really hope I can give someone a reason to say hmm I'm 21, 22, 23 there might be something really good waiting for me if I can get through this. Ultimately people make their decision. All I can do is wish them peace and happiness whatever route they choose- hanging on for another yr or two or ctbing now. It's comforting to know there are others in my age bracket. I hope your path whatever it may be will bring you peace and happiness...

That is awesome that Maria's letter is impacting you! I'm trying to figure out how I might potentially add value for you. Unfortunately, I only read about American football, US politics and suicide. Doubt you want to read any of that stuff.

Here is all I could think to potentially offer, my mom was a little older than you when she CTBed. She was 56. My sister and I were older than your younger son is now. She was 33.and I was 31, at the time. If my sister's and my respective response to this could add value for you, I would happy to open up. If you would rather not hear, I completely understand and it makes.no difference to me either way, so.no pressure from me.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

That is awesome that Maria's letter is impacting you! I'm trying to figure out how I might potentially add value for you. Unfortunately, I only read about American football, US politics and suicide. Doubt you want to read any of that stuff.

Here is all I could think to potentially offer, my mom was a little older than you when she CTBed. She was 56. My sister and I were older than your younger son is now. She was 33.and I was 31, at the time. If my sister's and my respective response to this could add value for you, I would happy to open up. If you would rather not hear, I completely understand and it makes.no difference to me either way, so.no pressure from me.

I'm sure the impact was devastating. At my age and all I have been through- I value and appreciate all input. I'll repeat again what I've posted for others- someone once told me something about car races. I may not have the exact phrasing correct but I remember the jist of it. When you are in the driver seat you may not see the accident coming but the people in the bleachers can. I share very openly here about my experiences to help others. Therefor I must be open to others inputs to my posts. My son is very closed. He wont even talk to my ex in laws about anything. Its part of his intelligence, introvert, stubbornness, and independence. Due to how his personality is he ran from my grief and refused to talk about it with me when he was home. I think he chooses to keep me very distanced. I don't blame him. I snapped when J died. He had to watch me in daily non stop hysterics. I want my son, I want to go to my son, I can't live without my son.. one thing I always said I can't live through the death of my children. I died my body just didn't go to.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Sinkinshyp, I wonder if your son's reasons are those you believe they are, simply because you can't know unless he tells you. It must be so frustrating and painful that he refuses to communicate. I'm assuming that if he did, there might be a chance that you would go on living if reconciliation were possible. Of course he's not responsible for whether you choose to live or suicide, but I wonder how he would feel if he knew that he could make a difference in your choice.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I can't imagine losing a child; I never had kids.

My best friend growing up lost his older brother, in a car crash while we were all in high school. The brother was driving and a drunk driver crashed into his car and he got killed. Naturally, the drunk driver was fine. The mom in particular never recovered. Tragic.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

@Sinkinshyp, I wonder if you're son's reasons are those you believe they are, simply because you can't know unless he tells you. It must be so frustrating and painful that he refuses to communicate. I'm assuming that if he did, there might be a chance that you would go on living if reconciliation were possible. Of course he's not responsible for whether you choose to live or suicide, but I wonder how he would feel if he knew that he could make a difference in your choice.

my mom and brother apparently facebooked him a month ago. Telling I really need him and a phone call would do me so much good. He choose not to call. I facebooked him all the important things he should know. He did call and said I don't that house I'm waiting to inherit grammas house. He was always stubborn and very independent, always about following rules. He will call when he wants something though. At this point I have lost everything that meant anything to me- both of my boys. If I had a chance to show him I LOVE him and try to reconcile yes it would make a difference. When I had the respiratory in 2013 my ex in laws came to my apartment, emptied out his bedroom and took him. He was 12 than. I woke up from life support to be told my son was gone. I made the doctors release much earlier than they wanted because I had to go home and get my son back. My ex told me- under no uncertain terms is grandmother to get D. Draw paperwork up and if it happens again I want my son. My ex in not on talking terms with his family. All these years I heard from them you need to take care of your lungs you need to live long enough to get D to 18. They claimed they loved me and were always calling me. He hit 18 and every time he talked to them he would get angry at me. They played their cards- pretending to care about me until my son hit 18 when his father couldn't stop it. He moved in with them 3 months after he hit 18. I mailed them a stack of psychological paperwork how teens delay grief for their parents. How divorces happen when a child dies. How a family MUST work together to be able to try to heal. I dont know if they read it or threw it out...

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I'm sure the impact was devastating. At my age and all I have been through- I value and appreciate all input. I'll repeat again what I've posted for others- someone once told me something about car races. I may not have the exact phralsing correct but I remember the jist of it. When you are in the driver seat you may not see the accident coming but the people in the bleachers can. I share very openly here about my experiences to help others. Therefor I must be open to others inputs to my posts. My son is very closed. He wont even talk to my ex in laws about anything. Its part of his intelligence, introvert, stubbornness, and independence. Due to how his personality is he ran from my grief and refused to talk about it with me when he was home. I think he chooses to keep me very distanced. I don't blame him. I snapped when J died. He had to watch me in daily non stop hysterics. I want my son, I want to go to my son, I can't live without my son.. one thing I always said I can't live through the death of my children. I died my body just didn't go to.

You have someone with an extremely high level of emotional intellegence giving you outstanding advice. Highly agree with what GPE is recommending!

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I can't imagine losing a child; I never had kids.

My best friend growing up lost his older brother, in a car crash while we were all in high school. The brother was driving and a drunk driver crashed into his car and he got killed. Naturally, the drunk driver was fine. The mom in particular never recovered. Tragic.

I tried bereaved parent groups in facebook. Reading posts here and there. From what moms say 20 years out that pain and yearning for their child is still there.Supposedly you learn to walk with the grief as part of you but for it keeps getting worse and worse

 

[Chupacabra 44]

@Sinkinshyp I am watching your thread closely. Unfortunately, my emotional IQ is low, so I can't offer much in these areas. I'll keep reading and if I see something where I might add value, I'll chime in.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've known of grandparents like that. How awful.

Did they try to "take ownership" of your other son, too?

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I've known of grandparents like that. How awful.

Did they try to "take ownership" of your other son, too?

nope because my older son had a different father.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

nope because my older son had a different father.

I thought you might say that. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I thought you might say that. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

thank you. They showed their true colors once he hi 18. I jusr can't believe I fell for the lies all those years. I let them get him 2 weeks in July 2 in Auguat chis christmas break. they used my kindsness as a weakness and used it for ammo to get him when J died.