Today was a tough day. This will be a long thread. Lil Peep raps in Life is beautiful about a funeral experience and his is pretty similar to mine. I think funerals can be quite gut-wrenching. Sometimes even having to laugh during a funeral is normal because it is so stressful and a mix of emotions. All the memories, the force not to laugh under no circumstances. I think during the first funeral I experienced I had to suppress a laugh. I think this is way more widespread than many think. It can lead to a paradoxical reaction in your mind. It can be very burdensome and lead to chaos in your brain. I only remember two funerals.
The first was when I was very young. Someone in my family died and I barely knew the person. It was strange.
But the second (and last one) I attended was horrible. I have told this story before it is quite shocking. I had to think about it a lot today because I met my grandmother. She more or less blames me for the death of her husband. This happened some years ago. Went through an extreme severe depression with a lot of suicidality. Felt horrible. I more and more tried to come to terms with my past. My mom abused me as a child severely. Beat me everyday often without a reason. It was hell and was a huge factor why my life is ruined. So I criticized my mom regularly for the abuse. She reacted angry. I would be unthankful. It is true she does a lot for me but she fucking abused me for more than a decade. It is obvious my brain is destroyed because of that. I live in hell. I had a behavioral therapy to that time. My psychologist told me I should allow myself to let out the emotions when I feel them. Also in arguments with my family ( a week prior to the event). Moreover to that time I had a doublebind with a borderline girl. It is intricate it is a long time since I read literature about it. To sum it up it is often a very unhealthy relation with sometimes extreme intense emotions.
Okay this was the introduction now to the incident. So this girl told me she does not want to have contact with me anymore. It is quite common double binds end this way. It invoked extreme pain inside myself. I already had arguments with my mom to that time quite frequently. I almost collapsed when this girl stopped the contact. I cried very loudly. Snapped at my mom. Nothing really bad. Only kind of unfriendly. We had issues to that time. Then out of nowhere she told me she throws me out and she is serious about that. Because I criticized her for abusing me. I don't know the exact details but she must have planned that with my grandmother. Soon my grandmother joined the argument on the side of my mom. I would be so unthankful and now I shall live with my dad. It led to a very intense argument. I have felt horrible to that time I think this is quite clear. I had severe psychosomatic pain and major depression since almost 1 year. It was a nightmarish existence. The worst time in my life. so far. So we had this very loud argument and it got very heated. My grandfather who had already symptoms of dementia heared the loud noises and wanted to know what is happening. Personally I had a very good relationship with my grandfather. So many people in my family were so toxic, thye lie to you and gossip if you are not around but he was different. At least when he was older. In the argument he wanted to defend me. Though he did not even know my right name anymore. So I make it short.
He got a stroke when listening to the argument and died soon afterwards. I know it is a sick story. My life is extremely sick that something like that has to happen. On top on all the rest of this extreme bullshit that happened.
I think you won't be surprised that they blamed me for his death. My mom told me something like you know he wanted to live and now he is dead. She wanted to give me a guilty conscience. But my grandmother blamed me for even a way longer time. Probably till this day. The whole incident was very burdensome for me. I am shaking when I am tipping this text. It triggered a new manic epsiode. Though I did not know it. I was not aware I became manic and just thought fuck I am feeling great again. In the end this mania resulted in my second major depression when I was close to suicide. It was just so such a weird experience. Such a shocking thing happened but I felt great afterwards (due to the mania) It was very confusing for me.
I know this was a long preface. But you can imagine the funeral was nightmarish. Everyone blamed me for that. Just because I wanted an apology for all the abuse that I went through. Never got one. However nowadays I don't care anymore. So many blamed me. They were very judgemental. I hate most of my family. They are so dishonest and toxic. When I was alone (noone in my family knows this) I went to grave of my grandfather and cried and begged him for an apology.
So why is this currently on my mind. To be honest it is quite burdensome to think about all of that. I recently met my grandmother. And in the first months or years) she despised me. I think she never blamed herself for it. Never seriously thought about the fact that it was very immoral to throw me out for just stating the facts. Some years afterwars she did not personally despised me anymore but blamed my illness. I never liked her much. I think she is pretty dishonest and she never helped me when I was abused. Always looked away. Like all the other people of my family. I think when we met recently she still blamed me. I think she wants that I visit the grave of my grandfather more often. Or that I meet her more often where she lives. Though I really hate this area. I experienced nightmarish abuse in this area. I am reminded of it when I am there. My sister calls it home sweet home. And I call it the shithole where all the nightmarish and horrible abuse happened. My grandmother once had the idea I could live in her apartment instead of my grandfather and she considered it somwwhat of a reparation. Never considered that option.
Now to the my emotional pain concerning this incident. I think I cope with it by suppressing the memories. Sometimes I have nightmares of it. But when I meet my grandmother it is burdensome because I am reminded of all these emotions. When she blames me I get a guilty conscience. How I survived it? And still live despite it? I think I try to be rational. And I hope I can get some emotional support of you. Maybe writing about it is also kind of therapeutical and cleaning.
Facts that comfort me: My granddad probably had dementia and this is a quite hellish illness. I would not have wanted to live with that. Moreover my therapist encourage me to let out my emotions during arguments. Just a week before that happened.
On an ethical standpoint I think I had the right to be angry about the abuse. And they were the evil ones because they wanted to throw me out for just stating the facts. Was this karma? I strongly doubt it. Karma does not exist. It was rather extremely unlucky for all of us. Life can be so unfair.
How I cope with it? Probably suppressing it and reminding myself that no matter how much these people blame I am from a moral view not the evil one. Moreover I think I am not longterm trauamatized because I am already a mental wreck. A new traumata had to surpass the current ones. Now when I am a adult new things cannot traumatize me that easily. All this haunts me in my nightmares nevertheless. However I avoid deep connections to elderly people since because my sub-consciouss is anxious I could kill them.
I am scared about new funerals. When I will see my family again. Most of them blame me. I think some even had schadenfreude. I had the closest and best connection to my grandfather of them. Tbh the rest of my family mostly consistse of assholes. I never want to meet these people again. But in the future I will meet them agiain at another funeral. However I could imagine the next funeral might be mine. I already wrote a note I only want my closest family and closest friends there. I doubt they will follow the instructions. They can gossip about me. I will be dead I don't care. But I don't want that my heartbroken friends will have to listen to their bullshit. I could imagine some pretented this was karma. Damn I hate the idea of karma.
Sorry for this length. I am thankful for this forum expressing my struggle and suicidality it helps to cope with my nightmarish existence. Hugs.
The first was when I was very young. Someone in my family died and I barely knew the person. It was strange.
But the second (and last one) I attended was horrible. I have told this story before it is quite shocking. I had to think about it a lot today because I met my grandmother. She more or less blames me for the death of her husband. This happened some years ago. Went through an extreme severe depression with a lot of suicidality. Felt horrible. I more and more tried to come to terms with my past. My mom abused me as a child severely. Beat me everyday often without a reason. It was hell and was a huge factor why my life is ruined. So I criticized my mom regularly for the abuse. She reacted angry. I would be unthankful. It is true she does a lot for me but she fucking abused me for more than a decade. It is obvious my brain is destroyed because of that. I live in hell. I had a behavioral therapy to that time. My psychologist told me I should allow myself to let out the emotions when I feel them. Also in arguments with my family ( a week prior to the event). Moreover to that time I had a doublebind with a borderline girl. It is intricate it is a long time since I read literature about it. To sum it up it is often a very unhealthy relation with sometimes extreme intense emotions.
Okay this was the introduction now to the incident. So this girl told me she does not want to have contact with me anymore. It is quite common double binds end this way. It invoked extreme pain inside myself. I already had arguments with my mom to that time quite frequently. I almost collapsed when this girl stopped the contact. I cried very loudly. Snapped at my mom. Nothing really bad. Only kind of unfriendly. We had issues to that time. Then out of nowhere she told me she throws me out and she is serious about that. Because I criticized her for abusing me. I don't know the exact details but she must have planned that with my grandmother. Soon my grandmother joined the argument on the side of my mom. I would be so unthankful and now I shall live with my dad. It led to a very intense argument. I have felt horrible to that time I think this is quite clear. I had severe psychosomatic pain and major depression since almost 1 year. It was a nightmarish existence. The worst time in my life. so far. So we had this very loud argument and it got very heated. My grandfather who had already symptoms of dementia heared the loud noises and wanted to know what is happening. Personally I had a very good relationship with my grandfather. So many people in my family were so toxic, thye lie to you and gossip if you are not around but he was different. At least when he was older. In the argument he wanted to defend me. Though he did not even know my right name anymore. So I make it short.
He got a stroke when listening to the argument and died soon afterwards. I know it is a sick story. My life is extremely sick that something like that has to happen. On top on all the rest of this extreme bullshit that happened.
I think you won't be surprised that they blamed me for his death. My mom told me something like you know he wanted to live and now he is dead. She wanted to give me a guilty conscience. But my grandmother blamed me for even a way longer time. Probably till this day. The whole incident was very burdensome for me. I am shaking when I am tipping this text. It triggered a new manic epsiode. Though I did not know it. I was not aware I became manic and just thought fuck I am feeling great again. In the end this mania resulted in my second major depression when I was close to suicide. It was just so such a weird experience. Such a shocking thing happened but I felt great afterwards (due to the mania) It was very confusing for me.
I know this was a long preface. But you can imagine the funeral was nightmarish. Everyone blamed me for that. Just because I wanted an apology for all the abuse that I went through. Never got one. However nowadays I don't care anymore. So many blamed me. They were very judgemental. I hate most of my family. They are so dishonest and toxic. When I was alone (noone in my family knows this) I went to grave of my grandfather and cried and begged him for an apology.
So why is this currently on my mind. To be honest it is quite burdensome to think about all of that. I recently met my grandmother. And in the first months or years) she despised me. I think she never blamed herself for it. Never seriously thought about the fact that it was very immoral to throw me out for just stating the facts. Some years afterwars she did not personally despised me anymore but blamed my illness. I never liked her much. I think she is pretty dishonest and she never helped me when I was abused. Always looked away. Like all the other people of my family. I think when we met recently she still blamed me. I think she wants that I visit the grave of my grandfather more often. Or that I meet her more often where she lives. Though I really hate this area. I experienced nightmarish abuse in this area. I am reminded of it when I am there. My sister calls it home sweet home. And I call it the shithole where all the nightmarish and horrible abuse happened. My grandmother once had the idea I could live in her apartment instead of my grandfather and she considered it somwwhat of a reparation. Never considered that option.
Now to the my emotional pain concerning this incident. I think I cope with it by suppressing the memories. Sometimes I have nightmares of it. But when I meet my grandmother it is burdensome because I am reminded of all these emotions. When she blames me I get a guilty conscience. How I survived it? And still live despite it? I think I try to be rational. And I hope I can get some emotional support of you. Maybe writing about it is also kind of therapeutical and cleaning.
Facts that comfort me: My granddad probably had dementia and this is a quite hellish illness. I would not have wanted to live with that. Moreover my therapist encourage me to let out my emotions during arguments. Just a week before that happened.
On an ethical standpoint I think I had the right to be angry about the abuse. And they were the evil ones because they wanted to throw me out for just stating the facts. Was this karma? I strongly doubt it. Karma does not exist. It was rather extremely unlucky for all of us. Life can be so unfair.
How I cope with it? Probably suppressing it and reminding myself that no matter how much these people blame I am from a moral view not the evil one. Moreover I think I am not longterm trauamatized because I am already a mental wreck. A new traumata had to surpass the current ones. Now when I am a adult new things cannot traumatize me that easily. All this haunts me in my nightmares nevertheless. However I avoid deep connections to elderly people since because my sub-consciouss is anxious I could kill them.
I am scared about new funerals. When I will see my family again. Most of them blame me. I think some even had schadenfreude. I had the closest and best connection to my grandfather of them. Tbh the rest of my family mostly consistse of assholes. I never want to meet these people again. But in the future I will meet them agiain at another funeral. However I could imagine the next funeral might be mine. I already wrote a note I only want my closest family and closest friends there. I doubt they will follow the instructions. They can gossip about me. I will be dead I don't care. But I don't want that my heartbroken friends will have to listen to their bullshit. I could imagine some pretented this was karma. Damn I hate the idea of karma.
Sorry for this length. I am thankful for this forum expressing my struggle and suicidality it helps to cope with my nightmarish existence. Hugs.
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