Shame feels impossible to defeat

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I have my reasons for not wanting to kill myself, none of them have anything to do with my own happiness or desire for the future, but they're still very important to me, so I'm making something of an effort to try to live.

But the shame is just horrific. Has anyone ever beaten this? Truly? I despise myself for reasons that to me seem completely valid. My memories are dominated by guilt and regret. No one truly knows me cause if they did they'd hate me too. How is a person supposed to live with absolutely no pride in who they are?

Is this even winnable? Or am I gonna feel this way for the rest of my life?

 

[Celerity]

How old is the self-hatred? Have you carried this since you were a child?

 

[Kamaainakupua]

A recovery partner explained it to me like this: we feel guilty when we do something bad, but we feel shame when we think we ARE something bad. The path out is going to depend on the path in... as @Celerity pointed out, you have to find the root of the shame to start changing your perception.
I wish you luck, because my answer, for me, is still "I need more time"

(edit more: But you are in the right place to find answers. Many of us can help you since we have a wide variety of causes of shame here)
~higs~

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

How old is the self-hatred? Have you carried this since you were a child?

My memory honestly isn't the greatest anymore but I've been depressed since the early part of my teenage years, and then a few years after that "I'm sad" turned into "I'm the problem."

I've honestly thought about it myself a lot and I just can't find any source for the shame or self hatred other than my own choices. I've been told before that people can repress memories or whatever, but I genuinely have a very supportive family and I'm genuinely a very privileged person. To me it really feels like the shame and self hatred came from just living my life and not really liking my own choices.

But idk. Maybe there are more environmental factors at play than I can see.

A recovery partner explained it to me like this: we feel guilty when we do something bad, but we feel shame when we think we ARE something bad. The path out is going to depend on the path in... as @Celerity pointed out, you have to find the root of the shame to start changing your perception.
I wish you luck, because my answer, for me, is still "I need more time"

(edit more: But you are in the right place to find answers. Many of us can help you since we have a wide variety of causes of shame here)
~higs~

Yeah I've heard that quote before about the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is about choices but shame is about identity. I think my problem is I've felt guilty for so long, and I feel like I haven't changed or grown much, so it's become a part of my identity. It's like, how often can one person make the same mistake before they are that mistake?

I know that's not productive though. I need a growth mindset if I'm ever gonna move past this. It's just to me my shame is as real as the blue sky, if I ever forget it exists, all I need to do is look up. So it's very hard to shake. Thank you for your response though.

 

[Celerity]

My memory honestly isn't the greatest anymore but I've been depressed since the early part of my teenage years, and then a few years after that "I'm sad" turned into "I'm the problem."

I've honestly thought about it myself a lot and I just can't find any source for the shame or self hatred other than my own choices. I've been told before that people can repress memories or whatever, but I genuinely have a very supportive family and I'm genuinely a very privileged person. To me it really feels like the shame and self hatred came from just living my life and not really liking my own choices.

But idk. Maybe there are more environmental factors at play than I can see.

Yeah I've heard that quote before about the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is about choices but shame is about identity. I think my problem is I've felt guilty for so long, and I feel like I haven't changed or grown much, so it's become a part of my identity. It's like, how often can one person make the same mistake before they are that mistake?

I know that's not productive though. I need a growth mindset if I'm ever gonna move past this. It's just to me my shame is as real as the blue sky, if I ever forget it exists, all I need to do is look up. So it's very hard to shake. Thank you for your response though.

Did you hurt other people? What do you believe deserves death?