NSFW Sex as a form of self harm?

[OOUUneverover]

I've come very close to downloading grindr or something similar for a while now. I have a very strong desire to feel some type of pain. I think I deserve it. I'm extremely ugly but I'm certain I could find some random old man somewhere who would be willing to fuck me.

I should clarify that I am gay but the idea of hookups grosses me out. I hate the concept of having sex with someone when I know nothing about their morals or how good or bad of a person they are. I guess my survival instincts kick in and make me afraid of getting an std or something. I'm also afraid that I would enjoy it, and I don't want to experience any enjoyment from it. I only want to hurt and nothing else.

 

[SHpr0]

I used Grindr to hookup with old men for self harm. that was about a year ago

 

[вечный сон]

I tried Sex to cope too. I'm Hetero and hooked up with some woman on dating sites which sometimes led to sex on the first or second date and i always felt nothing. Even worse i felt like a male whore after, like i was just being used. My body still wants to have Sex but i learned it's only worth it for me when i have a deep connection and chemistry first.

I can see how it can be a Form of self harm and maybe thats why i did that too. It definentöy fucks with you. I get why hookers have to use drugs to do that job