Set new date + method (more or less ranting/venting. sorry)

[Morgengrauen]

Dumping all my thoughts here because i really don't know where else to go with this.
Usually i'm pretty open about this with my friends but given that i'm currently in a mental hospital and one of them living basically down the road i really don't want to cause trouble by talking about this too much anywhere else out of fear everything will be in vain.

Like mentioned i have admitted myself to a psychward after two friends tried to talk me out of my plans to ctb in september and to at least try to get help one last time. So far it's been all pleasant, got a whole room by myself, the staff is really friendly, really relaxed vibes and basically unrestricted time to go out, the two doctors i've talked to are also surprisingly good and reacted very well when i was being fully honest with my reasons to be here (to try one last time before quitting).

Thing is: it's just too late. i'm at the end of all my strength to keep going and there's constantly things happening that make me wish i sticked to the original plan and i have high doubts that the care they can provide will be enough to really fix this complete lack of energy to keep going and not having any persective or hope for the future at all. Getting help with moving and job aplications, being put on new medication and doing group therapy will only do so much when we're all still stuck in a capitalist grinding mashine in which i, as someone with major psychological disabilities that already make basic existence difficult, have no option but to either work myself to burnout or go back to being a NEET loser slowly going insane being stuck at home and constant financial worries. The care i need unfortunately cannot exist in a system that deems people like me as inherently worthless for not providing labour to keep money flowing. And given the massive obsticles socially for my queer identity on top of mental issuess and the events that spiraled down since my coming out, it's better to hit the breaks and spare myself more pain and abuse from people i thought i could trust my life on. to know everything about me making me unloveable to people i needed the most love from and generally being seen as a complete freak and dissapointment - who doesn't rather want to stop existing? seriously. I've seen enough shit to know life, in this society as it currently is, is not worth suffering this much and i'd do myself a favour to spare more trauma and heartbreak if everyone seems to struggle to just show basic kindness and spare some respect.

I'm giving this all one month. Going to try and do the therapy and talking, maybe make some friends with other patiens. do all the things required to work towards recovery. But as long as no miracle happens i will end my life on november 1th.

This time my method won't be jumping, as i'd need to find new places again i could access and don't feel like taking the train for 5 hours to the original high buildings i've picked. And generally feel like i will not be able to overcome my si due to fear of height.

My dad tried to throw it away out of fear i might use it to ctb but i've managed to dig and find my bondage rope in the trash. 10 meters long and guaranteed to work for shibari full suspention so it should definetly hold me hanging myself with it. It's also oiled but needs a touch up so might lubricate it with soap beforehand to make sure the noose thightens quick and doesn't get stuck. This weekend i'm supposed to stay at the clinic and not sleep over at home/other places so i'd have enough time to make a larger hiking trip and try find a place to do full suspention hanging in the nearby forests. If i can't find a place to do so i will probably only do partial hanging or the night-night method in my room. althought i'd rather do it somewhere outside where i could call emergency hotlines in hopes the police or other profesionals finds me instead of somebody else like a nurse.

If i'll do partial hanging here then i will place the rope on my bed and try to hang up the shower curtain and/or towels in front of it to block out direct view and place a note in front of it stating i've committed suicide and to just call the police and emergency doctor to take care. the bed is one of those regular hospital beds you can pump up high and i've heard from multible people who passed away in clinics this way so i know it works. Just have to entirely rewrite my letters after i've thrown the last one away (partly because it's outdated and partly because i was scared my dad would find it while going throught my stuff when i was gone)

Obviously i can't just gift my friend all the stuff i wanted to give him prior because i know he will know what's going to happen and will allert the ward. so i will pack up my stuff and leaving one bag with a note on it saying so and the rest they should just throw away.

I'm feeling 100% sure about returning to the void to the point i wish i could do it earlier but now having enough time to carefully plan and analyse how the staff is and to pick the best time i can make sure it's certain death. Just need to be really carefull with how honest i'm going to be with everyone in my life from now on about anything. It will obviously not be a surprise to anyone. And actually i'm even scared if i try to act like i'm not suicidal or kind of give too much into the bliss of relieve knowing death awaits me acting too happy that at this point it would be even more suspicious.

either way, glück auf, just one more month to go before returning to dust like i should have years ago.

 

[SVEN]

I'm sorry you're in such a shit situation, I can only send you my best wishes and hope that all works well for you. At least you know you have SanSu to vent away on when the pressures build up.

 

[Morgengrauen]

I'm sorry you're in such a shit situation, I can only send you my best wishes and hope that all works well for you. At least you know you have SanSu to vent away on when the pressures build up.

thank you, and yeah ironically this place did so far a better job at keeping me from doing something impulsive. makes things less bitter and painful to know you're not alone in this and there still being places where you're not getting punished for talking about this toppic

 

[FuneralCry]

It's dreadful how people have to suffer so much in this existence, I understand why you'd feel so tired of it all. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[Morgengrauen]

Using this thread now to keep on adding new things instead of cluttering up others or constantly making new once

Just came back from a walk in the forest and found a neat spot. It's right between a road and a small path on a hill, accessible enough to easily go there and be found but hidden enough to not be seen immediately by by passers. will also carry this out at dusk so i will blend into the dark better. around 7pm. It's not high enough for a drop to break the neck unfortunately but with the hill going down it's easy to kick down whatever i will use to stand on and hang in the air with no way to chicken out last minute.

kind of tricky to get up on the branch but it's possible and when testing how strong it is by swinging around and joinking on it like a monkey it didn't move a millimeter. so safe to say it's strong enough to hold a person. and directly next to another tree so i don't have to get up there to tie the rope but just can wrap it around the branch couple times and secure it at the other tree.

There's a couple tree stumps laying around that would have been perfect to use to stand on but they're too heavy to carry/roll up the hill on the slippy leafs so i probably have to go buy a cheap step ladder or folding chair before. could even directly store it at the place since there are couple bushes i could hide it in until my bus goes.

Will also pair this with a double attempt and try to somehow cook a brew out of yew leafs with the hot water they put out here in the ward since my dad threw my prepared bottle away. Not sure how this will turn out. At least i found the bottle of Lorazepam. Have to see if this is all or if i can get my hands on some drugs or can hamster enough of my sedative meds to add to the mix.

If this fails then i'm going to the media and either claim to be immortal or the most stupidest man alive. If i don't end up a vegetable of course.

Just need to figure out how to send out my location after going through it since it's fucking germany and it will probably be easier to set up a fax mashine to send all data to the police 30 minutes after hopping on the bus then it is via email or other online means and i don't want to send it to people i know because i fear one of them will go out of his way to look for me. Last thing i want is him finding me first.

still going to look again in different areas when i have more time but for now having two options to carry out the plans is enough.

 

[Morgengrauen]

Been very busy today, had lots of stress and also typing on mobile so bare with me...

Had the time to quickly go to a pharmacy before they all closed. Tried to get Dimehydrinate but they didn't had it in stock there so will have to look somewhere else when i got time again. Since i'm planning to also OD on benzos and taxin (yew leafs) and have some alcohol before hanging taking some ibuprofen and antiemetics might be a good idea, especially since my stomach is so weak from years of bulimia. And because i know it will taste disgusting, last time i tried to attempt with yew leafs i projectile vomited it straight up again lol. Don't want to mess it up by throwing up and getting sick.

Also discovered there's a large hardware store close to the place and them selling cheap step ladders for just 20€. Will probably be very wonky but as long as it doesn't break i guess it's fine. Don't feel like going for something expensive anyway since it serves only one purpose anyway and the easier to kick down the better.

Will look at them if i have time to make sure it's high enough, might also look for an even sturdier rope but i'm kinda scared to buy a new one in person and like already mentioned the one i got should be enough. I'm only around 54kg anyway so if it can hold a much larger guy in shibari it should definetly withstand me twitching around while dangling.