Sensitive question to bisexual/gay people...

[Circles]

So I'm bi and I've recently tried to go on some dating sites and a hookup app and tried my luck with men again but I've noticed a trend where sometimes when messaging I'd admit to them that I'm still in the closet and they'll stop talking to me. And my question is why? And while I can understand why they don't want to waste their time with someone like me. I just don't get why they think everyone can come out to their families. Not everyone has a good family that accepts them and even the people who have families who are homophobic and unaccepting and don't give a shit about what their family thinks of them probably are able to be independent and live by themselves which I'm not able to cause I'm disabled. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm assuming this is the case for everyone.

And what I don't get is that I thought this would be understandable by the lgbqt community of all cause I thought a lot of people are still in the closet. Coming out just seems impossible for me because mainly my mom is who I'm worried about more cause she's religious and has said countless times how sick gays let alone bisexuals are and such. So I don't know what the fuck to do. I know it's unattainable or unrealistic but I just wish I could find someone who could understand that I can't come out. But now this makes me more alone and I feel trapped. This is one of my reasons why I want to die anyway not like it matters if I die but I naively still wish to try if only someone could accept this situation I'm in. I mean am I wasting my time if I don't face up and come out then? I'm probably wasting my time posting this and I'm sorry if this bothers anybody.

 

[trianglesplayhouse]

Some people just like PDA, and want to be public about the relationship. If it is a hookup app though that doesn't seem like it would be an issue, so that's kinda weird. Dating apps I can see why.

Online dating is shit most of the time and not a good place to meet people outside of hookups. It's extremely superficial and fast paced. You'd probably have more luck finding a decent relationship on a discord server.

 

[Idontrecognizemyself]

want to be public about the relationship

I think you hit the nail on the head here.
I think "in the closet" is an exceptionally nuanced phrase. I myself am an agender bisexual, who is out and active within the community.that being said, I am also cis-passing in a straight-passing relationship and not out to my family. I probably never will be. Our moms could be best friends, haha.
When you are meeting people online, "in the closet" can mean a lot of things, including but not limited to:
-this is my first queer relationship (I'm inexperienced
-i will not post about us online/ engage in PDA
-you will not ever be able to meet my family, or (if you live with your parents) you will not be able to ever come to my house
.... You get the idea.
Any number of those implications could be a turn off for someone, regardless of if it's actually true or not of your actual situation. In terms of actual advice, I would be really specific in these conversations about what being "in the closet" means in terms of hooking up with/ dating you. For me and my partner(s), it means going on fun dates, having long term serious relationships, coming over (I live alone), with the knowledge that there will never be a "meet the family" moment, you have to block my family on social media before you post anything of us together, and we will not get to have a big wedding. Just some examples! I have found people to be very accepting as long as you explain the situation and what you're looking for exactly.

 

[Circles]

I just spent the past two hours reflecting on this and realized it's really is hopeless for me. Every time every single fucking time I think about putting myself out there to try whether with women or men I end up back to square one to being a hopeless loser who nobody wants date. It's like the only relationship I truly I have is with suicide, atleast suicide never leaves me. I've been focusing on finding someone again to fill the void of loneliness when I should be busy planning on killing myself. Fuck.

 

[Zzzzz]

I just spent the past two hours reflecting on this and realized it's really is hopeless for me. Every time every single fucking time I think about putting myself out there to try whether with women or men I end up back to square one to being a hopeless loser who nobody wants date. It's like the only relationship I truly I have is with suicide, atleast suicide never leaves me. I've been focusing on finding someone again to fill the void of loneliness when I should be busy planning on killing myself. Fuck.

You said men tend to lose interest when they learn you are in the closet. No luck with women either? That is very difficult with the family situation. :(

 

[TriggerHappy]

So I'm bi and I've recently tried to go on some dating sites and a hookup app and tried my luck with men again but I've noticed a trend where sometimes when messaging I'd admit to them that I'm still in the closet and they'll stop talking to me. And my question is why? And while I can understand why they don't want to waste their time with someone like me. I just don't get why they think everyone can come out to their families. Not everyone has a good family that accepts them and even the people who have families who are homophobic and unaccepting and don't give a shit about what their family thinks of them probably are able to be independent and live by themselves which I'm not able to cause I'm disabled. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm assuming this is the case for everyone.

And what I don't get is that I thought this would be understandable by the lgbqt community of all cause I thought a lot of people are still in the closet. Coming out just seems impossible for me because mainly my mom is who I'm worried about more cause she's religious and has said countless times how sick gays let alone bisexuals are and such. So I don't know what the fuck to do. I know it's unattainable or unrealistic but I just wish I could find someone who could understand that I can't come out. But now this makes me more alone and I feel trapped. This is one of my reasons why I want to die anyway not like it matters if I die but I naively still wish to try if only someone could accept this situation I'm in. I mean am I wasting my time if I don't face up and come out then? I'm probably wasting my time posting this and I'm sorry if this bothers anybody.

Not an easy one, this... I really feel for you.
Firstly, the fact that u label yrself as bisexual will often turn gay n proud boys off :: it's like u wanna experiment, but inevitably you will 'conform' to a hetero-scum existence. Gay men don't get or appreciate bisexual men :: I have friends that are, I was :: I'd never get involved with bisexual men myself anymore, their indecisiveness is truly hurting. Not great if I hav insecurities or low self esteem! Bisexual guys often have a rough time. As an openly gay guy I had a few girlfriends (they knew.. ballet world is very open) when I was young & experimenting (& I fell madly in love with the girls, it wasn't exploitative..) but my sexual disclosure & treatment by others was judging & hurtful to them; & I got ostracized by gay guys I knew.
As for being in the closet :: so what?! I grew up in a world filled with open homophobia, queerbashing etc. So bieng secretive was survival. Then things changed...
Don't take it so personally, but know & accept the limitations this brings... public affection is not ok, the rush of being dangerously affectionate in public can bring hurt & frustration if its not reciprocal from your partner. I've never been in the closet, but I'm in the world of sport. Got caught in the school showers with the swimming captain (had love letters from him, everything) I got my national colours stripped and was expelled, cos I was out and (obviously the trouble causer) Andrew was so messed up, I took the blame. Ran into him on the dancefloor at pride many years later. Was sadly emotional.
I've dated guys in the closet, and its difficult. There's always something in the way, something impeding the honesty or love and affection.
I've had a few relationships with closeted guys::
Dated a Hindu /Muslim guy //professional rugby player //preachers son // famous musician (the most difficult) /
(In pretty much all of them we had incredible connection, communication, sex and affection) know I'm quite independant & not possessive. If I was, it'd be chaos... but I felt like I was a secret, something maybe shameful, my self esteem was a mess, I started to feel cheap when I used to meet them in secret, and leave before dawn. Paranoia in public. Being ignored by him when I ran into him with his family at an event, was a mindfuck to say the least... like i didn't exist, no matter how much Yasfir argued his feelings 2 the contrary. It was difficult 4both of us. It wasn't going anywhere, nowhere i wanted love to go. Maybe its about acceptance, self and others. Things beyond our control or ability to affect.
I've also dated married men. I'm not proud, in fact it was incredibly immensely destructive for me. Anyone having an affair knows the destruction that brings.. waiting for moments to be together, the fact they're not really 'yours', the loneliness of unexpected rejection if things don't work, is sad.
I've sold my body. Thats another conversation, tho...
If you choose to stay in the closet, so be it. But know its not easy. You will be judged by those that are out, that fought for recognition & acceptance. You are kinda rejecting a lifestyle choice, not popular! Find someone equally willing to be incognito (understand why.) and talk it out. Know where you stand, emotionally. Pray you be secure and independant, or you're self-esteem-fucked.
May you find love, however it takes form. Its worthwhile, as are you.
XM //Trigger



Kashka from Baghdad
lives in sin they say,
With another man,
But no-one knows who.
Old friends never call there,
Some wonder if life's inside at all,
If there's life inside at all.
But we know the lady who rents the room,
She catches them calling a la lune.
Chorus At night they're seen,
Laughing, loving,
They know the way
To be happy.
They never go for walks,
Maybe it's because the moon's not bright enough,
There's light in love you see.
I watch their shadows,
Tall and slim in the window opposite,
I long to be with them.
Cause when all the alley-cats come out,
You can hear music from Kashka's house.

 

[Circles]

Not an easy one, this... I really feel for you.
Firstly, the fact that u label yrself as bisexual will often turn gay n proud boys off :: it's like u wanna experiment, but inevitably you will 'conform' to a hetero-scum existence. Gay men don't get or appreciate bisexual men :: I have friends that are, I was :: I'd never get involved with bisexual men myself anymore, their indecisiveness is truly hurting. Not great if I hav insecurities or low self esteem! Bisexual guys often have a rough time. As an openly gay guy I had a few girlfriends (they knew.. ballet world is very open) when I was young & experimenting (& I fell madly in love with the girls, it wasn't exploitative..) but my sexual disclosure & treatment by others was judging & hurtful to them; & I got ostracized by gay guys I knew.
As for being in the closet :: so what?! I grew up in a world filled with open homophobia, queerbashing etc. So bieng secretive was survival. Then things changed...
Don't take it so personally, but know & accept the limitations this brings... public affection is not ok, the rush of being dangerously affectionate in public can bring hurt & frustration if its not reciprocal from your partner. I've never been in the closet, but I'm in the world of sport. Got caught in the school showers with the swimming captain (had love letters from him, everything) I got my national colours stripped and was expelled, cos I was out and (obviously the trouble causer) Andrew was so messed up, I took the blame. Ran into him on the dancefloor at pride many years later. Was sadly emotional.
I've dated guys in the closet, and its difficult. There's always something in the way, something impeding the honesty or love and affection.
I've had a few relationships with closeted guys::
Dated a Hindu /Muslim guy //professional rugby player //preachers son // famous musician (the most difficult) /
(In pretty much all of them we had incredible connection, communication, sex and affection) know I'm quite independant & not possessive. If I was, it'd be chaos... but I felt like I was a secret, something maybe shameful, my self esteem was a mess, I started to feel cheap when I used to meet them in secret, and leave before dawn. Paranoia in public. Being ignored by him when I ran into him with his family at an event, was a mindfuck to say the least... like i didn't exist, no matter how much Yasfir argued his feelings 2 the contrary. It was difficult 4both of us. It wasn't going anywhere, nowhere i wanted love to go. Maybe its about acceptance, self and others. Things beyond our control or ability to affect.
I've also dated married men. I'm not proud, in fact it was incredibly immensely destructive for me. Anyone having an affair knows the destruction that brings.. waiting for moments to be together, the fact they're not really 'yours', the loneliness of unexpected rejection if things don't work, is sad.
I've sold my body. Thats another conversation, tho...
If you choose to stay in the closet, so be it. But know its not easy. You will be judged by those that are out, that fought for recognition & acceptance. You are kinda rejecting a lifestyle choice, not popular! Find someone equally willing to be incognito (understand why.) and talk it out. Know where you stand, emotionally. Pray you be secure and independant, or you're self-esteem-fucked.
May you find love, however it takes form. Its worthwhile, as are you.
XM //Trigger



Kashka from Baghdad
lives in sin they say,
With another man,
But no-one knows who.
Old friends never call there,
Some wonder if life's inside at all,
If there's life inside at all.
But we know the lady who rents the room,
She catches them calling a la lune.
Chorus At night they're seen,
Laughing, loving,
They know the way
To be happy.
They never go for walks,
Maybe it's because the moon's not bright enough,
There's light in love you see.
I watch their shadows,
Tall and slim in the window opposite,
I long to be with them.
Cause when all the alley-cats come out,
You can hear music from Kashka's house.

I don't even know how to reply to most of this no offense. I wasn't even going to say anything and just wanted this thread to die off and forget I even asked. All I know is that it's hopeless for me I'm never going to come out because I've never been around anyone I trusted enough to admit this to them. I hate how the lgbqt community thinks coming out is something everyone can do. Especially nowadays just because we live in a progressive society in western countries doesn't mean people aren't still homophobic as fuck. Maybe some people just don't care what others think well good for you but I do and I literally have no one in my life as is and if I told my small homophobic family whom I live with btw that I'm bi and I want to be with men they won't talk to me or worse. Maybe I'm making excuses but goddamn this is NOT easy. This is part of the reason why I want to die and might as well face the fact that I'm going to be alone in this matter no matter what because deep down as much as I don't want to admit it I'm scared. I'm willing to face death first before I admit anything about this.

 

[blueclover_.]

I don't even know how to reply to most of this no offense. I wasn't even going to say anything and just wanted this thread to die off and forget I even asked. All I know is that it's hopeless for me I'm never going to come out because I've never been around anyone I trusted enough to admit this to them. I hate how the lgbqt community thinks coming out is something everyone can do. Especially nowadays just because we live in a progressive society in western countries doesn't mean people aren't still homophobic as fuck. Maybe some people just don't care what others think well good for you but I do and I literally have no one in my life as is and if I told my small homophobic family whom I live with btw that I'm bi and I want to be with men they won't talk to me or worse. Maybe I'm making excuses but goddamn this is NOT easy. This is part of the reason why I want to die and might as well face the fact that I'm going to be alone in this matter no matter what because deep down as much as I don't want to admit it I'm scared. I'm willing to face death first before I admit anything about this.

You don't have to come out. I'm bi too and i choose to stay in the closet for safety reasons :) I think you got to realize that your value doesn't depend on whether you can get a partner or not. Maybe I'm just a borderline narcissist but i love myself enough that i don't really care if i end up alone forever as long as i get to do things that are way more meaningful to me.

 

[AppleTreeDog]

The lgbt community can be so biphobic. If you're bi and date someone of the same sex, then you're either "a straight who's experimenting" and therefore a liability, or you need to openly declare and define yourself as gay. If you're bi and date someone of the opposite sex, then how dare you infiltrate queer spaces with your heteronormative relationship. Ugh.

I'm bi and have experienced all this firsthand. It's gross. I empathize with you.

 

[callme]

The lgbt community can be so biphobic. If you're bi and date someone of the same sex, then you're either "a straight who's experimenting" and therefore a liability, or you need to openly declare and define yourself as gay. If you're bi and date someone of the opposite sex, then how dare you infiltrate queer spaces with your heteronormative relationship. Ugh.

I'm bi and have experienced all this firsthand. It's gross. I empathize with you.

I probably sound like an automatically translated chinese manual, but there surely is a divide. Bi women look and usually are by their views, different from lesbians. The LGBT adherence is there with lesbians, strong feminism and WGTOW as self-determined. It look atleast by mainstream views bi people are typically more accepting. I wonder if it has something to do with a possibility of their own biological children unlike homos?

Apparently, homosexuality is going full-LGBT with those people, like Cuba wasn't real socialism to communists. No true scotsman so to say. And what's wrong with being straight "who's experimenting", even when it benefits their appearance as now more acceptable by society? This calls for toxic homosexualinity.

 

[AppleTreeDog]

I probably sound like an automatically translated chinese manual, but there surely is a divide. Bi women look and usually are by their views, different from lesbians. The LGBT adherence is there with lesbians, strong feminism and WGTOW as self-determined. It look atleast by mainstream views bi people are typically more accepting. I wonder if it has something to do with a possibility of their own biological children unlike homos?

Apparently, homosexuality is going full-LGBT with those people, like Cuba wasn't real socialism to communists. No true scotsman so to say. And what's wrong with being straight "who's experimenting", even when it benefits their appearance as now more acceptable by society? This calls for toxic homosexualinity.

Bi women are often accepted by "mainstream" views because they are sexualized by a lot of straight men. However in the lesbian community bi women are often viewed with suspicion or caution when being considered for a relationship — as though they are most likely deluded and will eventually run back to dating men, or are just pretending to be bi to look sexy and adventurous to straight men. And it definitely seems like it's mostly lesbians who get pissed off when bi women who are currently dating men try to participate in queer events or whatever.

I don't think there's anything wrong at all with experimenting. But this is how bi people get either erased or demonized from what I've seen and experienced.

 

[...]

On another note about bisexuality. On Tinder you can really see the difference between Men and Women.

I change my settings from Women to Everyone and the rate of likes shoots up at a much much faster rate.

 

[blueclover_.]

And they all ask for nudes. Women want real interest, we are not men's sex toys. I am disgusted by most straight men even though i'm bi. They are nice to women only for sex, that is and should be embarassing.

On another note about bisexuality. On Tinder you can really see the difference between Men and Women.

I change my settings from Women to Everyone and the rate of likes shoots up at a much much faster rate.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Online dating is a war on humanity's psyche. Days will prove that

 

[cambrai33]

I hate labels and the need for people to put you in the right shaped boxes so it's convenient for them to process things

You are you, complex and unique but most definitely an individual. I get why people need to feel an identity or identify with a group of others but it's not for me.

That all said I absolutely don't dismiss how difficult it clearly is for you right now

 

[callme]

Online dating is a war on humanity's psyche. Days will prove that

Based and warpilled.

 

[TriggerHappy]

After trudging aimlessly thru this thread, it sucks n saddens me true love (after all, is that not what we're all after? To have sum1 mean everything to us, and we everything to them...) seems so so fkg elusive. Dont believe everything you see on tic-toc! Ugh.
at the end of the day, @Circles Just be kind and loving to yourself. Only you can do that. And you're beautiful and worthwhile, even tho u struggle. That happiness is elusive, transitioning and unfullfilling. Never read your self worth in someone else's eyes, you are deceiving yourself. The rest of the world is a.ways happier than you feel you are inside. NA taught me that. Please don't judge yourself /situation... its temporary.
I'd rather have my mothers conditional love than the affirmation of a fuck-buddy.
Sex for me was always sn emotionless transaction because of my abuse as a kid. In relationships I surrender my very being /self worth to be loved..& get beaten broken by the men i fall for (copy of alcoholic hot/cold dad). Some of us come with parents / faith that conflicts with love /lust. I know gay priests whos devotion has made them asexual, they don't act on it. I'm amazed at their faith, I really envy respect that. Relationships are not what define you or make you whole. Don't be fooled. I choose freedom/ independence over possessiveness and abuse. My story, my attractions...
Yes, you will get ghosted cos you're in the closet. So fucking what? Someone / more than one will be ok with that - just be available and don't deny the opportunity. I Have an incredible, always-ghosted sttod-up supersexy creative clever awesome best friend who comes from a super religious family, has 2 sons, (divorcee) and wants a secret female lover. She's a trustfundbaby, ex model and is too hard* to take. She's single and lonely today. It happens.
*Ha! ha! We almost had a drunkem e/mdma/coke moment but ended up giggling till I had to go pee. It was taking me too long to get her òut of the corset i bought her! Moment over. Not all fucked up experiences are bad. Its how you process them. Failure isn't a realistic option, get over your.self.recrimination, yeah.

We make it so hard 4 ourselves :: when u look again your old bitter n twisted n alone. Get the fuuuuck over yourselves. Learn from grandpa....

On another note about bisexuality. On Tinder you can really see the difference between Men and Women.

I change my settings from Women to Everyone and the rate of likes shoots up at a much much faster rate.

I love this, wierd how much money I'd make if I opened my skintrade....
Maybe Men will always be the hunter's...I think that's what intimidates heteros about dykes... some of the really masculine girls are strong & directional & hard to take (i personally love it, masculine women that don't want to be men, tho thats ok too.. have them as mates too :: even dated trans one who i loved in school as a girl.. it hurt, s/he still resented me and knew exactly what buttons to push. Ouch).
BUT PLEASE :: if you are of the bisexual persuasion (& all power to you!) please be aware that you confuckulate our (str8s & queers alike; i'm sure) radar :: be OBVIOUS when u want sumthing to happen, cos we're too scared to ask /insult you. That brave choice will require brave behaviour /communication if its to succeed. You don't come with a trapping /field guide so please let whomever you know, that you dig them...
Half, no 80% my teenage regrets are with boys that I wanted / felt for and only way after the fact finding out it was reciprocal. And to find out down the line they kinda dug my scene... was a major dissapointment. Illustration in point :: I had a hippie boy crash on my couch for six months who then waaaay after the fact (and his marriage and first child), we remain fast friends to this day..he told me he was so so so into me (in front of his wife, super awkward but I respect his honesty). Maybe it set him free, but it left me feeling wierdly empty and needing to get high. Sumthin i know all too well... hes started to kinda come onto me when i run into him at gym, fkg ugly awkward. I suspect / respect our friendship (does he?!) so I guess it's on that maybe-in-the-next-life options worksheet...?!
Fuck, where's my gun....

 

[dss262]

So I'm bi and I've recently tried to go on some dating sites and a hookup app and tried my luck with men again but I've noticed a trend where sometimes when messaging I'd admit to them that I'm still in the closet and they'll stop talking to me. And my question is why? And while I can understand why they don't want to waste their time with someone like me. I just don't get why they think everyone can come out to their families. Not everyone has a good family that accepts them and even the people who have families who are homophobic and unaccepting and don't give a shit about what their family thinks of them probably are able to be independent and live by themselves which I'm not able to cause I'm disabled. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm assuming this is the case for everyone.

And what I don't get is that I thought this would be understandable by the lgbqt community of all cause I thought a lot of people are still in the closet. Coming out just seems impossible for me because mainly my mom is who I'm worried about more cause she's religious and has said countless times how sick gays let alone bisexuals are and such. So I don't know what the fuck to do. I know it's unattainable or unrealistic but I just wish I could find someone who could understand that I can't come out. But now this makes me more alone and I feel trapped. This is one of my reasons why I want to die anyway not like it matters if I die but I naively still wish to try if only someone could accept this situation I'm in. I mean am I wasting my time if I don't face up and come out then? I'm probably wasting my time posting this and I'm sorry if this bothers anybody.

I am am bi too (female). I've tried over the years to be okay with it and date women. Either I'm not into the ones that are interested or their not interested. Meeting guys is a lot easier. If I got serious with a female though I'd have no problem being open about it. Love is hard to come by and where I live people are quite accepting.