Venting Sense of obligation versus hope

[shoganai]

I was told recently that the reason I continue to live is because I have hope. The person went on to say that I don't necessarily have to do anything at all, I simply choose to. And they believe that this is because I have hope.

I disagree. I believe that I have an obligation to try things to treat my depression before I can truly call it quits. I don't want my suicide to be irrational, I don't want to have an attempt that is fueled by emotions such as anxiety or fear. This would not only be tragic, but I would also be more likely to pick a "weak" method such as medication overdose. If I was to attempt suicide right now, it likely wouldn't work and would be impulsive. However, after I try other things and have them fail to produce any sort of joy or pleasure, then I can give myself permission to ctb. I don't expect my actions to change anything at all - I have been depressed for over twelve years. Previous treatments and therapies haven't touched it. Why would anything else help? Yet, in the end, I want to be able to honestly tell myself I did a good job trying. I want to be able to show those in my life that I tried for the majority of my life to alleviate some of the depression and that it didn't work; this would hopefully abate some of the guilt.

I told the individual that I am open to trying a select few medications, or perhaps something like TMS. I really don't want to try these though. I'm tired of riding the medication carousel and being a guinea pig. I refuse to deal with the side effects, especially after the last few meds. TMS isn't realistic either, and it honestly seems to have a rather low success rate. It's not worth even trying.

This isn't hope that is keeping me going. I don't see myself getting better, I don't see a future at all for me. People in my life would say I can see myself in the future because I'm making goals and pursuing them, but I'm truly just stumbling through life. Things are happening to "work out". Reaching my goals brings no sense of joy or accomplishment. It's a horrible way to exist.

I've figured for years I would probably die by suicide, although it would be nice for something like an accident or illness to kill me before I cycle through the few remaining options.

I hope I didn't sound too negative or dramatic. This is the only place I can think to turn to. Anywhere else, I'm just a burden. I feel guilty for daring to post this, as if I don't deserve to be on here.

 

[MysticPerception]

You deserve to be here just as much as anyone else. You didn't come off as too negative or dramatic to me. I feel the same way personally. I've wanted to ctb for over 10 years and in the end nothing has helped me. I don't have hope, I just keep going because I haven't ctb yet. You've put in much more effort than me when it comes to pursuing a solution and trying to do something about it instead of just giving up. I'm just cruising through life with escapism while I suffer with the foregone conclusion of ending my own life. But you're actually pushing for something to change. Don't give up just yet, you've already come this far. Hope is overrated, live because you want to prove to everyone that you tried just like you said. If in the end all else fails, then I'll be the first to hand you the rope or the SN or whatever it is you want to go out with.

 

[shoganai]

Thank you for responding. I appreciate it.

But you're actually pushing for something to change. Don't give up just yet, you've already come this far. Hope is overrated, live because you want to prove to everyone that you tried just like you said.

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. Am I pushing for change? To me it just feels like a sense of duty. I really don't want to live lol. I do agree that hope is overrated.

 

[MysticPerception]

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. Am I pushing for change? To me it just feels like a sense of duty. I really don't want to live lol. I do agree that hope is overrated.

I think you're pushing for change rather you know it or not. Though there's nothing wrong with a sense of duty either. The fact of the matter is you're still going at it despite wanting to die. You're doing the right thing in my opinion.

 

[shoganai]

I think you're pushing for change rather you know it or not. Though there's nothing wrong with a sense of duty either. The fact of the matter is you're still going at it despite wanting to die. You're doing the right thing in my opinion.

Very good point. Thank you.