Semi-recovery?

[motel rooms]

This is me pleading insanity because I can't leave & I can't stay. There's nothing for me in the Recovery section, I don't believe in health/hope. I'm still a sarcastic, sex-obsessed, trauma-ridden bastard, I'm just with someone now. Buy my tell-all book, Trashy Trash Fucks Even Trashier Trash: The Love Story of the Century.

Tie yourself to me
No one else, no
You're not rid of me
Night and day I breathe
Hah hah ay hey
You're not rid of me

I beg you, my darling
Don't leave me, I'm hurting

I'll tie your legs
Keep you against my chest
Oh, you're not rid of me

I beg you, my darling
Don't leave me, I'm hurting

-- PJ Harvey

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I must be some special kind of retarded because I never get the poems/song lyrics you (or others) post.

 

[motel rooms]

I must be some special kind of retarded because I never get the poems/song lyrics you (or others) post.

There's nothing complicated about these lyrics, maybe your heart is just already too pure for filth

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

There's nothing complicated about these lyrics, maybe your heart is just already too pure for filth

Day 3 of nofap, my rectum-destroying friend.

 

[motel rooms]

Day 3 of nofap, my rectum-destroying friend.

Experienced gay rectums are indestructible. Are you looking forward to unpredictable nocturnal emissions?

 

[DocNo]

Experienced gay rectums are indestructible. Are you looking forward to unpredictable nocturnal emissions?

i guess this feeds his "being pegged" trauma even more ^^

 

[motel rooms]

i guess this fills his "being pegged" trauma even more ^^

We actually share that trauma/fear

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I'm not really a regular on this forum. I come here on a daily basis and just spout whatever's on my mind. I don'really communicate with anybody. I'm not engaged at all. That means, I'm not very familiar with the entierty of this forum. If you mentioned something simiral somewhere else, I apologize.

Here'a my take. You say you want to leave, but can't. You experienced something you called "real" and your would, in short, want it to work, on an ideal level. Beyond the trashy trash you claim to be, as I claim to be, although for other reasons, ideals always get the best of me. I don't think you can control hope on a conscious level. It's a biological imperative, mother of all ideals, or dreams, wants, needs. It's synonym with life force. That thing that existed before your traumas tear it down. It still exists. It's not something you can erase, or control. It manifests in your inner life every day. Dreams and ideals are just another layer of reality. They are as real as they come. But sometimes we test their veracity by the fact if they actually happened in "real" life. And based on that, we assign value. If it didn't happen, then its false and not right. That's totally worong approach.
If you want to leave and stay, than just stay. Opposites sometimes are not opposites at all.
It sounds like you hate your forum persona, but you still kind of like it. And why wouldn't you? You are charming, witty, kind and funny on a grand level. Everybody here really appreciates you.
I'd say - stop putting so much significancy on what your time on here represents. Don't make it the opposite of some ideal. Merge the two. Make them coexist. They're not in conflict. Not in your case, cause what you bring on here is an image of a pretty solid, authentic, smart, honest and down to earth guy. You are the best. And you are still you. Don't let the omininous gloom of what these site, allegedly, symbolizes make you divide yourself.
You are "real" and genuine even in here. I can vouch for that.

Sorry if I'm rambling... maybe I'm missing the point entirely.. harmless speculation.. just don't want you gone :)

Needless to say, I'll respect your every decision.
Wish you luck!

 

[Makko]

I must be some special kind of retarded because I never get the poems/song lyrics you (or others) post.

Even if we can sometimes understand the basic words they will never touch us emotionally because we don't understand the underlying life experiences.

 

[ven]

This is me pleading insanity because I can't leave & I can't stay. There's nothing for me in the Recovery section, I don't believe in health/hope. I'm still a sarcastic, sex-obsessed, trauma-ridden bastard, I'm just with someone now. Buy my tell-all book, Trashy Trash Fucks Even Trashier Trash: The Love Story of the Century.

 

[motel rooms]

Even if we can sometimes understand the basic words they will never touch us emotionally because we don't understand the underlying life experiences.

Are you saying that @GenesAndEnvironment doesn't understand what it's like to be obsessed?

 

[Makko]

Are you saying that @GenesAndEnvironment doesn't understand what it's like to be obsessed?

His obsessions are unfortunately not the poetic kind.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

His obsessions are unfortunately not the poetic kind.

Wtf, I just want a gf. I'm not a pervert. Day 4 of nofap, btw (point proven).

 

[Makko]

Wtf, I just want a gf. I'm not a pervert. Day 4 of nofap, btw (point proven).

You're deviant enough to not understand love songs which otherwise unite humans across even the tallest cultural barriers.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You're deviant enough to not understand love songs which otherwise unite humans across even the tallest cultural barriers.

BTFO'd again, I can't recover from this.

 

[motel rooms]

Wtf, I just want a gf. I'm not a pervert. Day 4 of nofap, btw (point proven).

Allow me to paraphrase something from the Bible: If you don't have any money, you have to become a pervert to be able to seduce someone worth seducing. Not even getting super ripped will help you if you don't find your inner perv

His obsessions are unfortunately not the poetic kind.

All obsessions are poetic. People who read the right kind of poetry know how dangerous it can still be

 

[Makko]

All obsessions are poetic. People who read the right kind of poetry know how dangerous it can still be

While this is true, people who obsess about anything or anyone that isn't also about people tend not to be good poets. Abstract obsessions are particularly hard to communicate.

 

[SleepDealer]

I can relate to having no interest in recovery but still being unable to leave, it's like CTB limbo.
For what it's worth, it's always nice to see you around. The dynamic between you, Makko, and Mr. Nofap over there never fails to be amusing.

 

[Celerity]

Do what feels right. Read what makes you feel heard. If that's not here, then it's just not.

I don't know how much you use Reddit, but there are some interesting posts and good people at r/CPTSD. There are a lot of crackpots too, but that's everywhere.

 

[motel rooms]

I'm not really a regular on this forum. I come here on a daily basis and just spout whatever's on my mind. I don'really communicate with anybody. I'm not engaged at all.

I feel like I know you. "And my heart is the same as it was: a sky and a desert."

I'd say - stop putting so much significancy on what your time on here represents.

Tbh, I'm worried that me writing about being with someone will be perceived as hurtful bragging.

 

[deflationary]

Tbh, I'm worried that me writing about being with someone will be perceived as hurtful bragging.

I think the vast majority of the forum is pretty firmly behind your back and rooting for you and happy for you, so by an utilitarian calculus you have a duty to keep bragging :)

 

[Celerity]

I feel like I know you. "And my heart is the same as it was: a sky and a desert."



Tbh, I'm worried that me writing about being with someone will be perceived as hurtful bragging.

Well, I'm forever alone and I'm happy for you. You're not bragging anyway. I wouldn't worry about anybody who sees it that way. They would prove by doing so that they aren't worth your time.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I feel like I know you. "And my heart is the same as it was: a sky and a desert."

Well, sometimes I have the feeling you know me too.

Tbh, I'm worried that me writing about being with someone will be perceived as hurtful bragging.

In a place where you're free to talk about death, talking about life should really be no biggie.
I get triggered when I see couples or families. But I won't resent them. I would trade places with them in an instant. I should applaude them. They are what I dreamt of being. Good for them.
Still, the sting is there.
But imo if we are so intent and persistent on giving life the middle finger, we should all have the balls and the decency to allow all life that's not ours (and that we dissed) to evolve indipendently.
It seems to me that someone who resents other peoples lives is someone who resents his own wish for death, at least in here.
Yes yes, we've probably all been there, but when you feel the sting of envy or jealousy, it's time to swallow that hard pill and stop being a hypocrite. Flip and let live.

 

[motel rooms]

I don't know how much you use Reddit, but there are some interesting posts and good people at r/CPTSD.

I can't consistently talk to anyone about my traumas. It's not just my childhood, there's other horrible shit too. The supposed cure is just so much worse than the disease, you know? Discussing my past in detail feels like willingly jumping into a snake pit. I've accepted that I'll never get rid of the flashbacks & nightmares. Somehow, I still have enough energy to function.

Things could have turned out much, much worse for me. A lot of sexually abused kids never stop reenacting their trauma; I could have ended up trapped in some sadist's basement. I also could have become a deranged predator myself. Instead, I'm just a sex addict who consensually dominates masculine guys his own size or bigger without inflicting any real pain on them, & who masturbates too much.

And now there's even him -
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-hope-this-is-a-goodbye.73128/page-2
(you probably haven't read this; don't worry, it isn't terribly depressing)