Story Selfish Mothers

[PlasticFace]

Giving birth to a child in this cruel world is already selfish enough. It's even worse when you don't show them "motherly love".

My mom is in the end stage of heart disease. I've been worrying over what to do and how I'm meant to feel, knowing that she's going to die this year. I started feeling bad for her, but I know this is karma. I don't feel bad for her anymore, and I don't feel guilty. I'm not ashamed of it either. I won't attend her funeral; I know she wouldn't show up to mine. She couldn't even sober up enough to get me out of the hospital.

The first memory I have of my mom sums up our entire relationship. I was sick and upset, screaming and crying to her for help. She was arguing with my dad and ignoring me pulling at the bottom of her shirt. She kept pushing my head away and tried to walk around me so that she could get in my dad's face, as always. She got fed up with my "incessant whining", pushed my head into the kitchen cabinet, grabbed the steak knife in the sink, and threatened my dad with it.

After all of their fights, my dad would drive off to who-knows-where and my mom would come into my room and cry to me about how sorry she was and how she needed to leave my dad. I've always had to be a parent to my own mother. The only time my parents weren't fighting was when they were passed out from the amount of drugs they were taking. I remember my mom teaching me how to find her vein so she could ask me to shoot her up when she was too dizzy to hold the needle. I remember eating cereal with burnt spoons and having to go to elementary school smelling like ammonia and dirty clothes. I remember not having food at home and being picked on for eating school-provided meals.

When the neighborhood cop molested me, my mom didn't ask what was wrong until it had been two days and I still couldn't walk right. After only a few weeks, she started to tease me about it too. Asking if I had a boyfriend and threatening to call the police on me all the time. She would call me a pansy and get mad when I got upset over her teasing, saying she was "just joking".

When she caught me cutting, she got furious and grabbed my bleeding wrists, dragged me into the bathroom, and made me run my wrists under hot water. Anytime she saw my cuts after that, she would slap them and scoff at me. I cut too deep one time and when it wouldn't stop bleeding, I tried to superglue it closed. I was more scared of her finding out than me dying from it.

When I shot myself, she was passed out on the couch. She ran in and screamed at me to get up, pulling at my arms. I vaguely remember her standing over me and trying to scoop me up into her arms. When I woke up in the hospital, she wasn't there. She didn't show up all day, even though she knew I had woken up. The nurse told me that my mom said she "wasn't ready to face me yet". She only showed up when she had to drive me home so I could pack clothes to take to the ward. She has never talked to me about that day since. Anytime I tried to bring it up, she starts sobbing and holding on to me, screaming about how sorry she is.

When I got my first prosthetic, she wouldn't talk to me if I wasn't wearing it. She wouldn't even look at me. She acted like it was torture to see me like that as if I wasn't the one living with it. She told me I wasn't allowed to take it off unless I was showering, changing, or eating, which I had to do alone. She always made me feel like a monster and made me comfort her. She would lay her head on my lap and say that she was sorry for being scared of me. Sorry for not being able to love me.

When I moved out, she would show up, unannounced, and bitch at me from my own front porch. She liked to call and ask if I wanted to go out, knowing I'm agoraphobic, just so she could call me lazy and a vegetable for staying in. I blocked her number for a while but then she just started to show up at my house again. She would bang on the door, scaring the shit out of me, and then laugh, saying "Just making sure you didn't try to blow your head off again." She said that line a few times before I pushed her off my front steps and she made a scene, acting as if I had just tried to kill her.

When my best friend overdosed, my mom acted like I had no reason to be upset. She said, "That's what happens to low-lives who grew up dysfunctional." I will never forget those words because they are so hypocritical and cruel. She would joke about her being next and mock me when I yelled at her to stop. She wouldn't let me go to his memorial and I'll always wonder if his family thinks I just didn't want to come.

When my mom called me to tell me she was sick in the hospital, I was scared that my mom was going to die. Now, I know she's going to die and I'm not scared or worried about anything. She was going to die someday and I'm just glad karma finally caught up with her and all of the fucked up shit she's put my family through. How dare you bring a person into this world, promising to take care of them and love them, just to act like you didn't ask for this. I am counting down the days for my biggest stressor to be gone from this world.

 

[SamTam33]

OP, I think about you everyday. That doesn't help anything. But just know that I do.

I get drunk and scream at the walls. I curse out my dad. I fill out job applications. I daydream about winning the lottery. And I think about you.

I don't know how long either of us have left on this earth. But I will never forget your story for as long as I live. I promise.

 

[PlasticFace]

OP, I think about you everyday. That doesn't help anything. But just know that I do.

I get drunk and scream at the walls. I curse out my dad. I fill out job applications. I daydream about winning the lottery. And I think about you.

I don't know how long either of us have left on this earth. But I will never forget your story for as long as I live. I promise.

Thank you. It really is nice to know that someone takes the time to think of me, knowing the shit I've been through. Means more to me than you'll ever know.

 

[wr3ck3d]

I remember my mom leaving us when I was 4 and I remember how my dad didn't really do anything to raise me except for drowning in his work. Do I hate them? I don't really know. Over the years I came to realize why they did what they did, and while it doesn't help me in any way now, I know that more than being a parent they were a human, with their own view of the world and their own way to deal with it.

I don't think your mother hates you. I think the fact that she came to you with her problems shows that she trusted you more than any other person. Yet the lack of communication between you two seems to result in a hostile relationship. She comes to you with every problem even after you move out, but you don't say any of your problems to her. You don't say what happened with the cop immediately leading to her making a bad joke, and later you cut your arms and shot yourself and she is shocked. At one front she is fighting with your father while at the other she sees you hurting yourself and the only way she found out to deal with things are drugs and her head on your laps crying to you.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty of how you feel towards her, I feel like a lifetime with her would describe her better than I ever could. But I think that is worth considering that despite she messed up as a mother, maybe she tried in her own way.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I just don't have the words for this. It sounded like a living hell. I'm SO sorry for you. It's hard not to feel anger and disgust at your Mum. I'm sure she was struggling but I find it REALLY hard to think kindly about people like that. I'm so sorry for all you went through.

I remember my mom leaving us when I was 4 and I remember how my dad didn't really do anything to raise me except for drowning in his work. Do I hate them? I don't really know. Over the years I came to realize why they did what they did, and while it doesn't help me in any way now, I know that more than being a parent they were a human, with their own view of the world and their own way to deal with it.

I don't think your mother hates you. I think the fact that she came to you with her problems shows that she trusted you more than any other person. Yet the lack of communication between you two seems to result in a hostile relationship. She comes to you with every problem even after you move out, but you don't say any of your problems to her. You don't say what happened with the cop immediately leading to her making a bad joke, and later you cut your arms and shot yourself and she is shocked. At one front she is fighting with your father while at the other she sees you hurting yourself and the only way she found out to deal with things are drugs and her head on your laps crying to you.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty of how you feel towards her, I feel like a lifetime with her would describe her better than I ever could. But I think that is worth considering that despite she messed up as a mother, maybe she tried in her own way.

I'm so sorry for your situation. That didn't sound easy either. Obviously- I don't know your full story but from what you have said- it sounds like abandonment and neglect certainly- which is awful of course. Still- the OP's story is full of abandonment, neglect AND abuse- physical and psychological. I'm not so sure that level of abuse is so easy to forgive.

You have a lot more patience for the OP's Mum than I have. Sorry- I expect she did have her own struggles but at the end of the day- she was the adult and the OP was only a child.

I think it's utterly disgusting that she mocked the child for having been molested- doesn't matter WHEN the OP told her- THAT WAS HER CHILD! She goes around to the OP's house to offload her problems but is STILL mocking the OP for their own troubles- agoraphobia, self harm and a suicide attempt- that were in a very big part CAUSED by her! Why SHOULD anyone put up with that in their life?

She smacked the child's head into the sink and got their help in shooting up- I don't see how ANYONE could justify that. It makes perfect sense to me why the child wouldn't feel safe opening up to her in future. I think the OP has been incredibly forgiving and patient to keep in any kind of contact till this point.

Yes- it probably wasn't the mother's 'fault'. She clearly had her own severe problems. Why should it be up to the child to cope with all that though? I suppose I can see how it could help for the OP to move on from this- to understand that their Mum was clearly a deeply troubled person- that maybe she would have been a better parent without those problems. Still- wouldn't you agree that she was a toxic influence? I don't think you can in any way blame the OP for trying to protect themselves from that.

Sorry to come across as agressive. I didn't suffer anything near as bad as this but I do believe I grew up with a Narcissistic step sibling. A mutual friend once suggested something along the lines that we ought to make more effort to get along for the sake of our parents. Honestly- it made my blood boil. If you are the person who has been landed in a situation where you are the target and all you're trying to do is survive the situation. Then- other people say you ought to be making more effort- it's infuriating!

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so incredibly horrific what you have been through, it's disgusting how people are forced into this world so unfairly just to be treat so badly, it's true that humans are responsible for so much of the suffering that unfortunately exists here in this world.

 

[TapeMachine]

Your mom sounds just like mine. Fuck, I'm so sorry you have had to live with that, sincerely.

My mom's reaction when she noticed the gashes on my forearms from a ctb attempt (that ended up having to be aborted) the night before: she started screaming, calling me a "stupid bitch" and other comforting names, ripping the covers off of me and the bed, telling me, "get the fuck out of my house! You can go live on the streets!"

Pretty awful stuff.

I'm really so sorry that we both had awful moms. Seems like neither of them should have ever reproduced. :(

 

[AerialBoundaries]

Aww. I'm very sorry.

My wee ma is a great mum. I love her so much.

 

[LittleJem]

No need to go to her funeral 100 %. I won't be going to my mother's funeral either.

I don't have words for your mother other than how she behaved is horrifying and the opposite of what you deserved from a mother who is supposed to love and care for you. No excuses for what she did and how she both failed to protect you and mocked you.

 

[VioletNight]

You deserved so much better than that. I'm so sorry about everything you've been through.
I hope you have better days ahead, especially with her being out of your life for good.

 

[PlasticFace]

I remember my mom leaving us when I was 4 and I remember how my dad didn't really do anything to raise me except for drowning in his work. Do I hate them? I don't really know. Over the years I came to realize why they did what they did, and while it doesn't help me in any way now, I know that more than being a parent they were a human, with their own view of the world and their own way to deal with it.

I don't think your mother hates you. I think the fact that she came to you with her problems shows that she trusted you more than any other person. Yet the lack of communication between you two seems to result in a hostile relationship. She comes to you with every problem even after you move out, but you don't say any of your problems to her. You don't say what happened with the cop immediately leading to her making a bad joke, and later you cut your arms and shot yourself and she is shocked. At one front she is fighting with your father while at the other she sees you hurting yourself and the only way she found out to deal with things are drugs and her head on your laps crying to you.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty of how you feel towards her, I feel like a lifetime with her would describe her better than I ever could. But I think that is worth considering that despite she messed up as a mother, maybe she tried in her own way.

I'm glad you were able to understand why your parents did that. Unfortunately, we don't all have that luxury. Just to clear things up, her idea of coming to me with her problems, was her trying to manipulate me into not being scared of her anymore. I do believe that she trusted me more than anyone else, but that's only because I was all she had. She clung to me like a life source when she was meant to be MY life source. Not sure if you understand the dread that comes with being a parent to your own parent, but it is miserable. She invades my privacy and my wishes when she shows up at my house. I've asked her way too many times to not come over, especially unannounced and she can't even listen to that. I am NOT entitled to let my mom in my private space when I've been forced to live in her hell house my entire childhood. It's even more embarrassing when I have friends over and they have to witness me and my mom argue. Why would I trust my mom with any of my problems? She has not once, cared to help me. I was terrified of my mom and I was EIGHT YEARS OLD when I was molested. I had no idea what that even was so of course I wouldn't tell my mom about it. She knows that she hurts me. She is entitled and acts like the world only moves for her like she can do no wrong. She was more scared of how people would look at her, being my mom, when I self-mutilated and shot myself. The only time I can remember feeling her hold me is when she was grabbing at my head to stop the bleeding, and holding my eye socket to keep the bones in place. Not once, has she rocked me to sleep, read me a story, sang me a lullaby, made me breakfast in bed, or medicate me when I'm sick. But guess what, I have done ALL of those things for her. She would watch me seize on the floor, and laugh. Said I looked stupid thrashing around like that. Mocked my tremors when she knew it was a huge insecurity for me. My mom is a monster and deserves to rot in her hospital bed for the last months of her life. I will never forgive her for the things she's done. Ever. I did not post the original stories for people to try and explain to me why my mom did what she did. There is no explanation for it except for her being sick. Even if she is sick in the head, that doesn't make anything she did okay. She had opportunities to change our lives and she didn't. She instead decided to take from others and ruin not only her own life but also her only son's life. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness or my pity and I don't think she will ever be seeing me again. I am living my life, and I no longer have to live for her.

 

[wr3ck3d]

I'm sorry for you and perhaps my intentions were not very clear. I didn't want you to change your opinion of her. But I hope that all this hate stays behind once she passes away. You deserve a life without her both physically and mentally.