Venting self sabotaging

[Distorted]

i used to think that i was good at art and music. my grades were always great, too. at some point in middle school i became very depressed and stopped working on my skills aside from school. well, once i got into high school i even gave up on grades. now i am 20 and lacking in any sort of intelligence or drive. it sucks. i sit down, try to draw something, but the lines make no sense. i can't tell if the drawing is good, it becomes distorted in my mind. even my arms do not feel strong enough to hold a pencil. sometimes i play guitar, and i can tell i am making progress. but i do not feel satisfaction. it seems like everyone has a hobby or somewhat productive passion that they can retreat to, but i have no such thing. i had much greater goals for myself when i was younger, hoping to become a surgeon of some kind. how dumb of me. i stopped drawing, focused on school, and now i am a b student with no hobby. it makes me realize that i have never been able to dedicate myself at all. i can't dedicate myself to people either, as i do not love anyone. at this point, i go through each of my multiple coping mechanisms (eating, jacking off, self harm, playing video games for hours) until the day ends. i haven't made progress in years. i am painfully aware of this and wish it could change, but i also can't find any true reason to. i want to die, but i also want to appear to have everything together in the meantime. maybe there's an ounce of hope in me still, but i know it's futile. if i cannot stick to it and dedicate myself to it, did i ever really love it? i always break what is supposed to be precious to me. self sabotage is my only constant. i wish i could love my ideas, care enough about my possessions and body enough to not trash them. i remember once my dad got me some art supplies, but by now i have either broken or lost it all. i was always good at things without trying. now i am subpar. maybe my brain has deteriorated?

 

[MeltedJello]

It's comforting knowing that I'm not alone with this feeling. I'm 21, and I'm similar to you in a way, however, I've never had any goals at all my whole life. Never had a job, or went to school after high school. I do nothing in life, and I'm just a burden on my parents. I got no motivation & don't see any point in trying anymore too, so I'm stuck living this way until I ctb eventually. I also use the exact same coping mechanisms as well, so that's pretty cool I guess

I'm really sorry you have to experience this pain, and suffering. Not sure what else to say, but I do hope you come across better, and more peaceful days. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)

 

[seaweaves]

I'm some years down the line from there and I can say from experience that there's a lot of us out here with no hobbies or talents in our 20s, 30s, and on. But/and I also know that these things, passions and talents, can wax and wane with time. While I know it's rarely comforting, affirming that you're not alone in this. There's a lot more time later to return to these things again if we choose it. Wishing you kindness

 

[$nowLeopard]

It's a shitty feeling for sure.
But I find that if you are not a good artist by default and still are, then there's no use trying to improve, other then if you like trying to improve your skills.
I'd find something else you can express yourself and be good at.

 

[Distorted]

It's a shitty feeling for sure.
But I find that if you are not a good artist by default and still are, then there's no use trying to improve, other then if you like trying to improve your skills.
I'd find something else you can express yourself and be good at.

i did possess that talent, for sure. i was complimented on it all the time. but lately i cannot seem to enjoy it. my imagination was very vivid before now.

 

[FuneralCry]

There is nothing I really enjoy doing, it can be a depressing, empty existence. I am not good at doing anything either. I see no point to my life. Coping mechanisms can be a way to deal with the pain that this life gives us. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.