Self sabotaging and social anxiety

[Journeytoletgo]

Did anyone else do this with actual good people you could have build relations with to become more sociable?

 

[Live Free or Die]

With everyone at some point or another. I struggle with being nice to anyone in real life. I don't think I'm mean, but I've been told it enough that it is probably true. I consider myself indifferent and care little about the being or actions of others anymore. I'm universally disliked at work except by my closest coworkers who know who I really am. I was born with the soul of a grumpy old man. Along with being raised in a volatile home and never feeling safe unless I'm alone and secure by myself... I just have trouble understanding, relating to, sympathing with, communicating with and doing anything normal with another person. As soon as I feel disrespected by someone my attitude towards them changes and I'll never like or be nice to them again. Since people make mistakes this has caused me to lose some people that were good people and probably would have been good to me if I had been able to overlook little things.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'm always in the process of self sabotaging, whether it's towards my physical/mental health, studies (used to), or work (current). Social anxiety combined with depression has caused me to lose some people I know would have been good for me, one for sure more recently. I had a friend who treated me like a functioning human being even when my mental state spiraled out of control and I continued to get worse and worse. I got so paranoid that she'd get tired and hate me that I got very bad anxiety just thinking of talking to her and it became next to impossible to write after some point. Yet she was always understanding. I didn't deserve her and she deserved better. She had her own depression and eventually I knew I was going to succeed in offing myself, even if not immediately, and also knew my mental state was never going to get better enough that I could be a good influence on her. I was at the point where my mental state would only make her worse for being around me. So I left. She was like what my ideal friendship would have been in high school. We could talk about anything and get sidetracked for hours. I just couldn't continue to do it and subject her to me. It wasn't worth ruining someone for a small bit of happiness on my part, and the anxiety was very bad. Not that it isn't now but I'm honestly somewhat relieved she doesn't have to deal with me. Aside from that there were others as well that I'm sure would have been good influences, they were certainly good people. But why build a relationship with them? I've never planned to live a long time, I don't even have plans to make it through this year, I hope not to make it through this month. And I can no longer offer them anything but negativity. For the two~ friends of mine who remain (against better judgement I reached back out to one), I'm just giving them warnings at this point and hoping when I succeed it doesn't mess up their mental states too much. I've already been enough of a bad influence, at least after I die I'll end that.
Is it funny I still think of the first friend I mention quite often? When I was the awful person who left. I told her so many times that I was just an awful person and she shouldn't keep me around. Now she's got the evidence backing it.

@Journeytoletgo what have been your experiences with these?

 

[Nolan96]

I "pressure-test" more than I sabotage.
I don't think it's motivated by a desire to make things worse for me or ruin the connection.
I think it's just meant to make sure someone can handle me early on before I get attached.
And it's never mean-spirited or frantic or anything. Moreso just being an open book about what a complicated mess I can be.
Still, it does have the effect of sometimes making people uncomfortable and ending connections that might have worked out if I'd been more slow and cautious.